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THE LOWDOWN

In today's episode, we're diving into a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately: self-love and its connection to sex and relationships. We've all heard the mantra that we need to love ourselves fully before we can find love elsewhere. But is that really true?

I've been pondering this question, and here's what I've realized: self-love isn't a destination; it's a journey. We're constantly evolving, and our feelings toward ourselves fluctuate from day to day. It's like a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and sometimes, we're not going to feel like we're at the peak of self-love.

I cringe whenever I hear the notion that we have to be at 100% self-love to enter into a relationship or enjoy sex. Life doesn't work that way. We're human, and we're bound to have days where we doubt ourselves or feel less than perfect.

Take me, for example. Just last week, I made a mistake at work, and my inner critic went into overdrive. In that moment, I wasn't loving myself; I was berating myself for messing up. But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of being in a loving, fulfilling relationship.

Self-love isn't about always feeling amazing about yourself; it's about showing up for yourself, even on the days when you're not feeling your best. It's about acknowledging your worth, even when you're struggling. And guess what? It's okay to not be okay sometimes.

When it comes to sex, the same principles apply. You don't have to be at 100% to enjoy intimacy with your partner. Some days, you might not be feeling it, and that's okay. Your partner should respect your boundaries and meet you where you're at.

So, as you go about your day, remember this: you don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love and connection. Self-love is a journey, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. And if nobody has told you today, let me be the first: you are lovable, you are worthy, and you are enough.

Next week, we'll delve into the topic of sexual shame, but for now, I hope this episode has given you some food for thought. Remember, you don't have to be at 100% to live a fulfilling life. Just show up as you are, and the rest will fall into place. Take care, and until next time.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, today I was going to talk about shame when it comes to [00:01:00] sex and all the various surrounding sexual shame. As I was preparing for today's episode, this one thing kept coming up on repeat in my head, and that was self love. One of the biggest things I've been hearing a lot lately, probably for the past couple of years, is that in order to find a fulfilling relationship or a fulfilling partnership of any type of, you know, sorts, we first need to find self love.

And this can be in any form of self love. That could be love in our personalities. our bodies, our potentials as human beings. There's a whole lot of things that encompass self love and I feel like there's this false narrative going [00:02:00] around about how we have to love ourselves wholly and fully before we can or should enter into any type of relationship.

Every single time that I have seen a phrase That talks about, you're not going to find love. You're not going to find sexual satisfaction. You're not going to find a fill in the blank. Until you love yourself. I cringe. And the reason I cringe is because I personally believe that self love is not an end point.

It's not something that we can achieve. And what I mean by this is

We are human beings with brains that are self thinking. We are [00:03:00] constantly having conversations with ourselves in our head. We are constantly having external forces, external thoughts and words fill in our brains. As well as our internal voices. This constant rigmarole that happens inside of our brains is going to fuck with us.

It's, it's, it's like

we can't say to ourselves every single morning, Today I'm going to love myself wholly and fully. Because we don't know what's going to happen during the day. We might make a mistake. We might fumble the ball. And in those moments, we're not going to love ourselves. We're going to look at ourselves and be like, oh my gosh, why did you do that?

Why did you fuck that up? Why did you say that? Why did you make that choice? And yes, after the fact, we can [00:04:00] pause and say to ourselves, hey, you're human. It happened. We all make mistakes, but in the moment, we're More often than not, we're gonna beat ourselves up. Hell, I still beat myself up. You know, this past week, my boss was on vacation, and I was like, there's this big entry due, I'm going to put together the information, and I'm gonna send it off, even though I haven't had a conversation with her about it.

She knew that it needed to happen. I knew that it needed to happen, but because she was out, We didn't get to have a conversation and I sent it and she called me and she's like, Hey, I kind of wish you would have had a conversation with me beforehand. And of course, immediately I was like, Oh, I fucked up.

I'm an idiot. She thinks I'm the worst employee. Oh my gosh. Like my brain spiraled in that moment. I wasn't loving myself

moving forward. Doesn't [00:05:00] always mean that within five minutes or ten minutes, we can forgive ourselves and move on and go back to loving ourselves. There are days where I wake up and whether it's my hormones, whether it's all of these emotions happening, that I seriously feel disgusted with myself. And

I know that it's just my emotions and I know that it's just my brain creating a story in my head that's not true. But because I'm human, I have to have grace. And because I'm human, I have to tell myself, Hey, just because you don't love yourself fully today, just because there's a part of you that you think isn't worth loving, doesn't mean that other people see that.

I can't tell you how many times I have texted my partner and been like, do you love me? And he tells me yes all the time. And he'll check in with me and be like, do I act like I [00:06:00] don't love you? Did I say something that makes you feel like I don't love you? You know, I say to my friends sometimes, I know I'm the boring one because there's self conscious thoughts happening that are telling me that I'm not lovable.

And yeah, those are things that I have to work on. But I also have to recognize that that doesn't define my worth. My thoughts towards myself. Don't get too determined. What other people see in me. Now, is it important to have self love, to have some type of concept of your worth so that you don't put up with bullshit?

100%. But I can also tell you from experience that I have loved myself wholly and completely, been the most , confident woman in the room, and still put up with poor treatment for [00:07:00] men. And that poor treatment for men didn't come from me and a lack of self love. That just came from me not having boundaries.

Being a people pleaser, finding the first guy who was interested back in me, and being like, oh, he likes me. I, that must be it. That must be it. That must be the person that I'm supposed to be with. But all of those things don't mean that I had a lack of self love. Maybe self awareness, maybe boundaries, maybe self respect.

But I still loved myself, and I still do love myself, but having moments where

you're not fully and completely in love with yourself, having moments where maybe you do lack a little bit of boundaries, or You aren't fully capable of seeing your true worth and your true value doesn't [00:08:00] mean that you can't explore getting into a relationship. Because sometimes it takes being in that relationship or being in that partnership for you to form.

That love, or for you to form those types of boundaries, because you learn as you're in each relationship, you learn through your experiences, to determine what it is that you do love about yourself, to determine what it is that you aren't going to put up with, to determine the respect and the respect value of yourself.

So I think a lot about

how

our society, our generation, I'm a part of the millennial generation, puts this emphasis on

growth, healing, going to therapy.

And I agree with all of that. I've done a fair share of growing and healing [00:09:00] myself.

And there's this emphasis on you need to fix all your broken pieces before you can enter into

And I feel like that just creates a wall and an excuse. To prevent ourselves from being vulnerable.

Because I know I sure as hell am not going to show up perfect every single day. I know that I'm going to have days where I am sad. I'm going to have days where I'm angry. I'm going to have days where I am frustrated beyond belief. But I'm also going to have days where I'm joyful and excited and show up putting 120 percent into myself, into my partners, into my friends, into my family members.

All of that, the good, the bad, the in between gets to encompass

who we are and really how we love [00:10:00] ourselves.

Loving ourselves comes in many shapes and sizes. It's going to be small some days, it's going to be big other days. It's just like every other feeling and emotion and how you show up every single day. I have done a multitude of handful of exercises.

That help me love myself more. Do I do them every day? No. Does it sometimes not make that big of a difference? Yeah, but even though I might be lacking in self love sometimes, it doesn't mean I don't get to show up to life. It doesn't mean that I have to be 100 percent in love with myself in order for life to happen.

So that's why I cringe whenever I hear this concept of you can't do X, Y, and Z until you love yourself fully.

Because self love is another, like, discipline thing. [00:11:00] We have to show up for ourselves. We have to wake up every day and say, Hey, I love you. When we have our bad moments, when we make our mistakes, we have to show up for ourselves and say, Hey, I love you. You're worth it. And saying that isn't a heal all phrase.

It's going to take some time sometimes to work through the mending and the healing and the repairing that we need to do on our own hearts and on our own souls.

And the reason this concept kept coming back to me as I was preparing for entering these conversations about sex is because at the end of the day, sex is not just our physical bodies. It's our emotional body. It's our mental body. It's our spiritual body. It's all of us, in all of our forms. And there are going to be days where you show up and you say, [00:12:00] Hey, I don't like my physical form right now.

But she's still worthy of being touched. He's still worthy of being pleasured. My physical form is still worthy. Or there might be days where you're just emotionally spent. You're exhausted. You've put up with so much. But you also know that you want to have that connection with your partner. Mm hmm.

And so you're able to say, you know what? Emotionally, I'm not going to be present. Can we just have a quickie?

Because not being 100 percent doesn't mean that you have to shut off that sexual part of you.

I'm not saying this to say that you can't say no to sex because 100 percent if you're not in the mood, if you're not feeling it, you're always welcome to say no. But, what I'm also saying is, your complete human [00:13:00] person doesn't have to be all in. Doesn't have to be 100%.

in order for you to show up and have sex. There are days and moments where my body just doesn't feel 100%. I hurt my back in 2021. And it's taken a few years to get my body to the point where having sex doesn't hurt,

but I still showed up and had sex. Did I love that aspect of me? No! I hated that my back hurt while I was having sex, or hurt after having sex. I hated that I couldn't be 100 percent physically to connect with my partner. But you know what? I still showed up. Because sex is important to me. That connection with my partner is important to me.

And that was my choice. But that didn't mean that I 100 percent loved myself. And in [00:14:00] order to be in that intimate relationship with my partner, I sure as hell did not have to 100 percent love myself because I was still able

to be

their 60%, 70%, sometimes 20%. You know, the other day my partner wanted to have sex and I had just had a shit ton of sushi and I was like, dude, you asked at the wrong time.

And he asked. And I said, okay, we can do it doggy style and fast because I have to leave in 30 minutes.

And right now he's very much into that face to face connection, which is great, but not when I have a belly full of sushi and I have to leave in 30 minutes. And so he was trying to have that face to face connection and I was starting to feel like I'm going to throw up because of all the weight on me.

And the movement from sex and I was like, dude, I really need [00:15:00] you to get off of me right now. Like, stay connected with me, but it can't be this intimate face to face connection. And he respected it. But again, it was that my body wasn't 100 percent ready for it. I loved our connection. It was great sex.

But my physical body wasn't 100 percent in that self love realm. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. And I want you to remember that. When it does come time to have sex, or have intimate bonds, or intimate connections, or any sort of relation with your partner, it doesn't have to be 100%. I think we've gotten into this cycle of, I have to show up 100 percent in order for this to be enjoyable, pleasurable, in order for whatever to percent in order for this to be enjoyable, pleasurable, in order for whatever to come to fruition. And the answer is, is we can't always be 100%. So, as you head into tomorrow, the [00:16:00] rest of today, the next week, the next year, whatever comes into your life over the future, foreseeable future, remember this one thing.

You do not have to be 100 percent in love with yourself. In order for good things to happen to you, in order for you to be in a relationship, in order for you to enjoy sex, in order for you to do or be or see or get or receive or give whatever you want to throw in there.

Self love is a moving target. It's gonna change from day to day.

It's gonna be easy in the morning, hard at night, or easy in the middle of the day, hard in the morning, gets a little bit easier as you go to bed, and then halfway through the night at 3 a. m. you wake up, and you remember something you did in middle school to Susie sitting in a [00:17:00] corner, and you hate yourself all over again.

That's life. That's love.

We feel those things towards people in our, in our lives. Friends, family, we love them one second, we hate them the next. But even in those moments of, you're annoying the crap out of me right now, I still love you. And it's okay. I'll get back to seeing you with rose colored glasses soon. But you showed me a side of you that, right now, is irritating the crap out of me.

And I need a moment. The same thing's gonna happen with yourself.

But the best thing to do is to show up each day and say, Hey, you're still worth it. Hey, you might not be feeling it, but I got you right now. Go ahead and, and take a little bit of a break. Because, This, this amazing human that you are standing right in front of me or whose body I am currently occupying, because these are our internal voices [00:18:00] talking to ourselves.

You are still a rock star. You are still somebody who gets to kick ass, but right now you're not feeling it. That's okay. I'm still here. I'm still riding with you.

So as you progress forward, As you prepare yourself for whatever it is that you have coming up. Just remember sometimes it's better to show up in your 50, 60, 70 percent than not show up at all. Because sometimes showing up in your 60 percent is going to get you to your 100 percent. And vice versa, some days you show up 100 percent and shit hits the fan and you're like, fuck.

And you go home at 60 percent.

And the same thing can be said about sex.

There are days

that I One thousand percent, I'm just so turned on and want to have sex all day long. And then there are days where I'm like, eh, and that doesn't mean [00:19:00] anything about my partner.

It's just where I'm at, but I still show up for myself because I know That having that connection, whether or not I'm having solo sex or sex with my partner, having that connection physically, emotionally, spiritually,

it does something inside of me and it brings me closer to myself and it brings me closer to my partner.

If I were to wait for every single day that I felt like I was a hundred percent, I'd have sex very far and few between. I don't need to be a hundred percent to have sex. There are days that I don't want to, but I know that by showing up in that physical form with my partner or for myself

often leads to a different and better outcome than me just resigning myself to saying, I don't love [00:20:00] myself right now. This isn't going to work. This isn't going to happen. And again, I'm not saying that you have to say yes, and you have to have sex. What I'm saying is don't require yourself to be a hundred percent.

Don't require yourself to fully and wholly love yourself

to show up for yourself. Because sometimes you're just going to be waiting and waiting and waiting Depending upon the season that you're in and sometimes that showing up can get you to that. Maybe your partner does something, kisses you, or touches you in a spot that you weren't a hundred percent liking.

Or they say something that your brain was telling you a false narrative about. And it shifts your perspective, and you go, Oh, if they can touch me there, or kiss me there, or if they can say that about me, then I can believe in myself too.

Don't believe the hype when people say you [00:21:00] have to love yourself wholly in order to do whatever. In order to find a relationship. in order to have sex, in order to have a meaningful connection with somebody, because it's bullshit, and it pisses me off so much. If I could just like Every single time that comes up, if I could just get paid a dollar and be a millionaire to call that person, like, take it down.

Because this is not true. This is not working. You're creating a false narrative. You're making it harder for people to show up. I really want to scream from the hills that self love is not a requirement in life. Does it help? Yeah. But again, it doesn't. It's a moving target. You're not gonna wake up 24 7, 365 days a year, and be like, Thank fucking God that I love myself, because without it, I wouldn't be able to accomplish this.

I wouldn't feel satisfaction in this. [00:22:00] I wouldn't have my partner. I wouldn't have the house that I live in, because self love gave me all that. No.

So love yourself, yes, but don't make it the requirement, don't make it the expectation to show up for your life, to show up for your sexual being.

Just show up. Be you. 60%, 70%, 100%, wherever you're at. Just show up.

And more often than not, that self love will come through. In that moment, in that experience, and even if it doesn't come through at 100%, it gets you one step closer.

You are lovable, you are worthy, and if anyone

feels like they aren't,

that's okay. But I'm going to tell you today that I love you,

and I hope that that's enough to get you through the rest of the day, to [00:23:00] get you through the rest of the week. And when you're ready to love yourself, great, hug yourself, make it a thing, celebrate it. But until then, I hope this helped you realize that you don't have to. Be a hundred percent in to be worthy.

Have a wonderful rest of your day. Have a wonderful rest of your week. We will get into talking about sexual shame next week.

I did feel like it was important to talk about this before we delve into any of the other topics around sex. Because our human bodies, our sexual bodies, aren't always going to feel a hundred percent.

Have a great rest of your week. And I will talk to you next week. Bye. [00:24:00]