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THE LOWDOWN

In this episode I talk about an experience with a book club book that really highlighted how different our perspectives on sex can be. I'm open about talking about sex—I even do pole dancing shows and am starting this podcast about becoming a sex coach. My coworkers have shared their sex lives with me, and I've done the same. Hearing their thoughts on the book was fascinating because it reminded me that everyone has a unique perspective. It's not about being right or wrong; it's just different experiences.

People often have preconceived notions about others' sex lives based on appearances or stereotypes. I frequently surprise people when I share my sexual preferences because I look innocent and sweet, but my interests can be quite unexpected. It's crucial to explore and enjoy sex on our own terms, without being swayed by others' judgments or expectations.

So, what does your sex life look like now? What's your ideal? Whether you're having sex or not, in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, using sex toys or not, it's all valid. The important thing is to communicate with your partner(s) and explore what feels right for you. Remember, as long as there's consent and no harm, the sky's the limit.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey there! Hope your day is off to a wonderful start. I am spending the day Organizing, cleaning my apartment, getting some laundry done yeah, organizing, doing all the fun adulting stuff. This past Friday, I went to a movie night with some co workers, which was pretty fun, a couple months ago, we decided to read the book titled The Idea of You.

It has been remade into a movie adaptation, and I will try not to give away any spoilers. But, basically it's about a 40 year old woman who dates a 20 year old man and they have a relationship. The movie stars Anne [00:01:00] Hathaway and Nicholas, oh, I don't know how to say his last name. It starts with a G.

He was in Purple Heart. Anyways, that's it. I loved the movie, I loved the book, but I found it very funny because I was texting my co workers and talking to them about a month and a half ago. They all read the book really fast, read it early on. I read it maybe like a week before the movie actually came out and they were all like, Oh my gosh, the sex scenes.

There's a lot of sex. It's great. I can't believe it. Like they were just all enamored by the sex scenes. And I started reading it and I was like okay. And I get about 150 pages in and I text my friend who's also my coworker. And I was like I'm [00:02:00] 150 pages in. Where's the good sex? And she was like if you're already that far in.

It's not gonna get any better, so just enjoy the love story. And I was like, okay. Noted. Not that the sex scenes were horrible, but I had just gotten done reading the, what trilogy, or what series is it called? It's the Twisted Love series, or Twisted series, by Anna Wong, I think is how you say her name.

And the sex scenes in that are way different than the sex scenes in The Idea of You. And so I'm like coming from that realm over to The Idea of You, and I was like, they were all raving about this. And Talking about how amazing they were and one of my co workers was even saying how it's up there with Fifty Shades of Grey and she's just like hot and bothered and I'm like, okay, where is this?

So it's a [00:03:00] very like Interesting dynamic to be in for me because one, it's not often that like,

I think for a lot of people it's very weird to talk about sex with their co workers, and my co workers are pretty open and chill. We actually didn't know this book contained a lot of sex before we went into reading it. It was just a spur of the moment. We were at lunch. One of the co workers mentioned that she was reading the book and then we like turned it into this book club thing because the movie's coming out and then it turned into let's all get together to watch the movie and now we're going to continue this with the next book into movie adaptation that we're doing is it ends with us and so it's like just a fun gathering for us women to hang out but it really opened my eyes to which I mean I've known but like It was just so eye opening to see that.

We're all on different paths and we all have different interests [00:04:00] and we all have different viewpoints when it comes to sex and my co workers have come to my pole dancing shows. My co workers have heard me talk about becoming a sex coach and starting this podcast and I'm very open about talking about sex.

It's just who I am and co workers have told me about their sex lives. That's. I'm just open when it comes to this realm. And so hearing their perspectives on this book really interested me because I clearly have a different perspective and that's fine. And it wasn't a bad perspective and it wasn't like telling them that they were wrong.

I was just Oh, cool. There's going to be a lot of sex in this book. And then it turned into

Yeah, there's a lot of sex, but it's not very descriptive versus the book that I had just read. And it was funny because one co worker was telling [00:05:00] someone else on the team that she was, like, on her airplane and she felt very oh my gosh, people around me can see what I'm reading, which I get the same way on an airplane or, if I'm at the gym reading the book or something. But I was like, oh gosh, if she's, at first I was like, okay, I'm glad I'm not alone and . Telling her about a series to read because I told her on her trip to read the Twisted series and then Because my other co worker was like read the idea of you.

Let's start this book club I felt a little less bad about being like read the Twisted series which is all about sex and then she was like getting like hot and bothered by the book, The Idea of You, and I'm like fuck, is she gonna be okay with the Twisted series? So it's just one of those things where it's like, everybody's at different levels.

Everybody's at different experiences and desires and wants and needs. And even in reading The Idea of [00:06:00] You, it was interesting to see the main character, her name is Solan, It was interesting to see her perspective on her experience in dating a younger man and having sex with a younger man. And it just is one of those things where everyone is going to have an opinion.

Whether or not you ask for it, whether or not you share information with them, everyone's going to have an opinion. Everyone's going to have a thought on how your life looks or your sex life is. You might be walking down the street and somebody might think out like inside their head, Oh, that person probably doesn't get anything.

Or that person must be very vanilla. And you might be somebody who. has sex all the time, or isn't into [00:07:00] like vanilla sex. Maybe you like to explore other things. Maybe you go to sex parties or you go to dungeons or something. Whatever. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that

you live Enjoy, experience, explore. I guess I used e words there, so whatever e words would come to mind when it comes to your sex life. If you are a older woman dating a younger man, that's fine, obviously within reason. Everybody's gonna have an opinion. We see it in the media. We see it with older men dating younger women.

Brad Cooper, Leonardo DiCaprio. People give a lot of shit to older men sleeping with younger women. And they also give a lot of shit to older women sleeping with younger men. And that's not what this episode is about. But it's just one of [00:08:00] those things where it's like, Everybody's gonna have an opinion.

And you shouldn't be looking to other people outside of your sexual relationship for validation or consent or ideas of what is or isn't right for your sexual relationship. If you're somebody who wants to be celibate, then be celibate. Who cares what your friends think? Who cares what your family thinks?

It's very easy to give in to the societal pressure or this peer pressure and say, I need to be having sex three times a week. I need to be doing this with my partner in order to make him happy. I need to be Engaging in sex with my partner so that she knows that I love her, I need to be doing whatever so that they continue [00:09:00] to enjoy me, or have sex with me, or be in love with me, or I know that my partner loves this.

And so I want to make them happy, but I don't necessarily enjoy it.

And I think that's one of the biggest problems is that we're always looking externally for validation. We're always looking externally to be like, am I doing this right? Is the other person happy? Could I be doing better? Do they still want to be with me? Do they enjoy having sex with me? Do they like my body?

Do they, yeah. want to even try this with me? Do they even desire me anymore? There's a lot of unnecessary feedback continuously plays a loop in our head telling us what we are or aren't doing. As a human, as a person.

In the book, [00:10:00] Selene lets the outside world infiltrate into her relationship.

Haze, he's the male partner in the book, he grew up in a boy band and so he has learned to separate the external world from his internal world. And yeah, he's young, but he's learned to have that separation. Whereas Selene has not had that separation. She hasn't been immersed in this world. And so she hasn't learned to have the walls, the boundaries, the tough skin, She just knows that people are saying things and expecting things and judging things

and she lets it get to her.

Just like I walked in to reading this book after talking to my co workers hearing external feedback and verbatim and I was like, oh [00:11:00] This is going to be a great book in regards to sex, but it was more than that, but I had a little bit of disappointment because I listened to that external vocabulary, and I was like, oh, I have these expectations now,

and there's nothing wrong with that. It didn't ruin the book for me, but it was just one of those things where I was like, okay.

My expectations were ruined. And so as my coworker said, just enjoy the love story. And so I did. And then when we went into the movie obviously movies can't do as much as books. And so the movie is, I wouldn't say completely different, but they had to remake it and re adapt it in order to fit a different narrative that Prime was willing to do.

And so there are some differences. And I didn't leave feeling disappointed. I thought both the book and the movie were good. In fact, I liked [00:12:00] the ending of the movie better than the ending of the book. And that's okay. And I knew that it wasn't going to be a heavily sexual movie. And that's okay. Because Prime had to do what they had to do for their audience.

And the author had to do what they had to do for their audience. And I had to do what I had to do as myself, as the reader, and decide. what I took and enjoyed from the book.

And this is exactly what we have to do with our own sexual journeys. I remember being in high school and being in college and friends were having sex and they were meeting partners. enjoying each other's bodies. I'd be in my dorm room and I'd hear the neighbors having sex.

And people would make fun of me for still being a virgin. [00:13:00] But here I am at a Christian college, being told like sex is bad. And that's not why I was waiting. But it was just one of those things where it was I'm being told sex is bad by the university, by Christianity, that sex is a sin, that you shouldn't be doing it, all this kind of stuff.

But then I'm watching my peers run around having sex and making fun of me for not having sex. But then also they're feeling like shit because they are having sex and it's a sin. And There are so many different stories here and contradicting points here that I have no idea what to think. And so I just did me.

I didn't have sex right away, had my first boyfriend, didn't have sex with him, broke up, didn't date for a few years, and then I started dating a man, and it took a year into our Quote unquote relationship. I won't really call it a relationship. It was a situation [00:14:00] ship You know a year into our situation ship finally had sex with him but it was one of those things where it was like I didn't let the stories and the narratives and the Ideas and the opinions of all of the people that I interacted with

Tell me what my story should be tell me what I should and shouldn't enjoy

And I think there's a lot of things that, when people talk to me about sex and ask about the things that I enjoy they get a little bit shocked

because when people look at me, They don't expect it. People tell me all the time, I look like this little innocent woman who it's probably the nicest person on earth and wouldn't do anything, quote unquote, bad. Not that anything in sex is bad, but it's, they see me as innocent. And then when I tell them what I'm doing or what I enjoy, [00:15:00] they get like shell shocked.

Whoa, would not have expected that from you. And that's okay. Just like when I talk to other people, and I'm like, Oh, I would have expected you to do other things. Because we all have this idea in our head of what a person who does A, B, and C looks like. Whether or not that's from media, porn industry, Movies, TV shows, magazines, narratives we've been told from other people.

And it's oh I wouldn't have expected that from you, but cool. I'm glad you enjoy it. I'm glad you do what you do. I'm glad that's what you want your sex life to look like. And then there are people who are like, I want my sex life to look like this. But it doesn't and I don't know how to get there and I think that's probably one of the coolest places to be because You're [00:16:00] open and you're curious and you're like, how do I get there?

Can I get there? Do I actually want to do this? The other day I was talking to my partner and we were talking about threesomes and we were just sharing if we were to do a threesome, what would that look like? What is in our fantasies, in our heads? And I had this fantasy in my head and I'm like, this is what I'd want it to be.

And it would be different if it was an MMF versus a MFS, or FFM, whatever order you want to do it in, it doesn't matter. But I'm like, this is what my fantasy would be. But then also at the same time, I was like, just because that's what it would look like for me, Doesn't mean that I actually want to do it, because like sometimes you have this fantasy in your head Like that would be hot, but then you actually wouldn't do it.

I remember I told a friend one time [00:17:00] that I'm very into like centaurs or like creature sex in that way And she messaged me one day and was like, Oh, hey, I have a friend who'd be willing to act that out. And I was like, Oh, it's not that I want to act it out. It's just this thing that I like to have in my head.

And, read and imagine, but I wouldn't actually want to do it

and that's totally fine and totally cool, and then there's things that I'll bring up to my partner and I'll be like, hey, I want to try this or I like when this happens and He's yeah, I'm not cool with that. Doesn't sound like a turn on to me. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. That's your sexual journey.

I'm not gonna force you to do something you don't want to do, and that's totally okay because we are two different [00:18:00] humans who have two different experiences. But that doesn't mean that with those differing desires and fantasies and wants and needs that we can't connect and make sex work.

And I think that's the beautiful thing about being an individual when it comes to your sex life because you can do what you want to do. As long as you are not harming somebody else, do what you want to do. Remember consent and remember not to do any harm and remember your boundaries. And the sky's the limit, to be honest, have communication

and just interact with your partner or partners

to the extent that you're both comfortable.

Just because I like something doesn't mean that my friends have to like it. There are things that I do that my friends go, really, Jessica,

that's [00:19:00] gross. That's weird. And it's just like baby things that I'm like, that's not that big of a deal, the opposite reaction. I'm like, why don't you do it? It's so pleasurable. Like it's really enjoyable You should try it and they're like, nope, I'm good, and We might joke about oh, that's gross that you do that or oh, that's weird that you do that Or it's weird that you don't do that.

But also You It's their life, it's their journey, and it's my life and my journey, and I get to explore the way that I want to explore, and I get to enjoy sex the way that I want to enjoy sex, and same for them.

So I want to ask you, what does your sex life look like now? What does your sex life look like in an ideal world? Are you having sex? Are you not having sex? Are you in a polyamorous relationship, a monogamous relationship?

Are you in an open relationship?

Do you use sex toys or not use sex toys? Do you wear [00:20:00] lingerie or not? Lights on, lights off, on every single surface in the house or just in the bedroom. Does one person lead? Does one person follow? Do you switch?

What does it look like? And is there anything that you'd love to explore? I know that my partner wants to explore certain things, and while I'm not necessarily opposed to exploring those things, it's just not something I want to do right now. And that's okay, because it's my body, and I have a right to say yes or no.

And if I want to explore something and my partner tells me yes or no, I respect it. If he tells me no, that's fine. And then if he starts to do it on his own, And I get taken by surprise. I'm going to enjoy it until he's ready to say, Hey, I'm done. I've done enough. Will I do it again? I don't know when the time comes.

Cool. But for now, that was fun to enjoy. Thank you for trying [00:21:00] it.

It might not be for you, or maybe it is, but it's still one of those things. That's an unknown because you haven't explored it enough and that's okay. We take it slow. We take it at his pace. We take other things at my pace. One of the biggest things that I'm learning to wrap my head around is this whole love making thing.

Because my past relationships have really been situationships that have just been about sex. And so for me, I'm like, give it to me, Raph. Throw me around. Do all this kind of stuff and my partner's I'm like, hey, thanks for the fucking, thanks for the sex. And he's we just made love. And I'm like, you're right.

We did. I just, it's not in my vocabulary. It's not, my body is still getting used to this concept of lovemaking because it's foreign to [00:22:00] me. And we've been together for three years, and it's there's just still, it hasn't been a part of my sexual journey before, and so I'm learning it, and I'm feeling it out in my body, and I love it, but it's still weird to me.

When we do it, I'm like, okay, this is what that feels like, because it hasn't been a part of my journey before. And it's a beautiful thing. And it's, just like with anything else that you do when it comes to sex is beautiful. And

taking the time to ask yourself what it is that you want, taking the time to explore and go down different paths and. Talk to your partner about what sounds interesting to you or in solo sex, exploring your body and touching your body in different ways or trying different toys or, and it doesn't even just have to [00:23:00] be about your genitals.

It can just, it can be about like, what does it feel like when I drag my nails across my neck in a soft way versus a hard way, or. What happens if I put on headphones to listen to the porn that I'm watching versus just listening to it off the speaker on my phone? Does it change the sensation?

Does it change the focus?

Does it create a different atmosphere for you to realize, Hey, I like this, or Hey, I don't like this. And or changing the style of porn that you watch or changing the clothing that you wear or the location that you masturbate in, or, the sky's the limit when it comes to your sexual journey.

I've said that earlier, explore, enhance, try, do what you can that feels [00:24:00] comfortable with it. Because it's your journey, it's your journey within yourself, within your body, it's your journey of pleasure that gets to excite you and build these sensations within your body that tell you in a whole different form that you are love and that you are worthy and passionate and just like a self proclamation almost of I exist wholly and beautifully and wonderfully in this body

and my journey is just another story

that gets whispered. into the world. And it might be a journey that is in your four walls, nobody else knows about. Some people don't like to talk about their sex lives, and that's totally okay. I have friends who are more open. I [00:25:00] have friends who are, a little bit more reserved. I'm clearly one of those people who's open.

And it's just this big, beautiful thing. And it was very, I was reading the idea of you and I was like, why does Selene care what the world thinks?

Why does she care that the world has opinions about a 40 year old woman sleeping with a 20 year old man?

I don't understand. I don't understand because it's not my journey. It's Celeste, and I know she's a fictional character, but you get what I'm saying.

Every person has their different journey, and within your journey, there's you, there's your partner, there is

the people that you are intimate with.

And then there is the external world that is going to tell you what you're doing wrong, how you can be better, how you can improve. This past [00:26:00] week, we saw the viral recap of Harrison Butker, I think his name is, the kicker from the Chiefs. We saw his viral speech, going around at a Catholic university, telling women that their vocation started, or their life started, when they became mothers and had children.

And sure, people do feel that way, and great for that. But that's their journey. That's not necessarily the journey for everyone, especially the women that are graduating with their diplomas for their masters and doctorates or whatever degree. But that's the thing is, everyone's always going to try to tell you that you're doing something wrong, or that this is what your life should be focused on, or this is how your sex life should be.

You are a woman. You need to be at your man's pleasure. You need to look a certain way, dress a certain way, be a certain way, [00:27:00] do a certain thing. You need to be giving a blowjob every single week. I think about how One of my mom's friends told me one time that if she was dying, she would need to write a letter to her partner's new partner, saying in order to keep him happy, you have to give him a blowjob every single week, and then have sex with him at least once a week.

And I remember when she told me this, I was like, what about you? What makes you happy? But also, why is that what you're telling his partner? Because what if the sex between him and his new partner is completely different, I think about every single relationship I have been in, sex has been different.

Because each of my partners is different. Each of my partners has a different journey, a different experience, a different desire, a different want within the relationship. And I'm a different person with every single one of them. And so what I crave for [00:28:00] sex It's going to be different with each of them.

And so I think that's where the beauty comes from this, is that you change as a person, you grow as a person you experience different things in life that are gonna change your sexual desires. Your body's gonna change hormonally and physically, emotionally, mentally, all of this stuff changes you, it affects you.

And it changes your journey, just like your career, and your family life, and your friends. Life changes the journey in each of those areas. And it's gonna impact the journey in your sex life.

But where we can have control is trying not to let the external validations The external opinions tell us what our sex life should look like. People are going to think what they want to think. People are going to assume what they want to assume. People are going to [00:29:00] hear one thing and people are going to whisper to their friends about something and they're going to be like, did you hear so and so loves to do this?

And it might be completely out of left field and not true at all, but we can't let that affect the journey that we're on. Because nobody else is on this journey with us. It's our body. One of the things that I learned taking a consent workshop was that my sexual journey ends at the end of my fingertips and the end of my toes and the top of my head and the bottom of my feet.

I don't get to determine what is true for somebody else. I don't get to force my wants and needs onto somebody else. If there's mutual connection, mutual consent, cool, we'll enjoy it. so stop letting somebody else's sexual [00:30:00] journey impact your own.

And if what you desire out of sex, is more than what your partner or partners is willing to give you, then you get to make the decision if you change that, you change the relationship, you change the partner, or you change your desire. You get to make that decision because at the end of the day, it's you.

And what do you want?

Do you want to be the 40 year old having great sex with a 20 year old and falling in love and gallivanting around the world? Who cares what the paparazzi sees, who cares what they say,

or do you want to be the stay at home mom who raises children by day and then enjoys amazing sex in between the sheets with her husband at night?

If that's the life you want, great. Live it. Do you want to have a dungeon in your house? Do you want to go and book hotels once a month [00:31:00] for you and your partner all around the world so you can have sex in different locations? Awesome. Do it. Do what your heart desires. Do what your pussy desires, do what your penis desires.

Our bodies are on the sexual journey that is true and right for us.

So enjoy the journey, decide what the journey looks like,

and go out there and explore and love and experience this beautiful thing that our bodies can do. Because it's amazing. And who gives a flying fuck what anybody else thinks?

I certainly don't. So go live, explore, have fun. Enjoy the rest of your week. Think about your journey this week. Enjoy your journey this week. Whatever sex looks like for you. Have fun. Also, [00:32:00] go read or watch The Idea of You. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought they were very well done. Both the book and the movie.

Maybe read the book before you watch the movie, if you're that type of person. But, yeah. Enjoy your week. I love you all. [00:33:00]