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THE LOWDOWN

In this episode, we dive into the often taboo topic of self-exploration and self-pleasure. This is a subject that can evoke a range of emotions from discomfort to excitement.

Societal and familial reactions to children's natural curiosity about their bodies can create lasting feelings of shame or guilt. I encourage you to reconsider these conditioned responses and to embrace self-exploration as a healthy, natural part of life. Understanding one's own body—its pleasures and boundaries—is not only beneficial for personal well-being but also for enhancing intimate relationships.

Overall, this episode is a call to embrace and honor the natural, pleasurable aspects of our bodies, encouraging a journey towards self-love, comfort, and a deeper understanding of what makes us feel good.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, I hope that you're weak, day. Whatever time [00:01:00] is off to a good start and that no matter what is going on in life, you are feeling or seeing some sort of positive, light heartedness, joyful moments in your day to day lives. Today I want to talk about exploring our own bodies. Now that might seem foreign to some of you.

That might bring up feelings of discomfort, nervousness, anxiety, whatever types of feelings. Or it might bring up excitement or joy. Or you might be thinking, oh, this is something I already comfortably do. And if you're in that boat, amazing, hoorah for you.

One of the things I learned going to a Christian college was that [00:02:00] self exploration, self pleasure, masturbation, whatever you would like to call it, I know for some people words hold meaning and words are powerful and so they don't like the word masturbation, and choose to use something different. But going to a Christian college, I learned sex in general is a sin, but so is masturbation.

It was frowned upon. It was scary to think that people are doing it. I was told that it's a sin because when you masturbate, you're thinking of another person or maybe watching porn of other people and thinking of them in dirty. negative, sinful ways or actions. And it was always about

the [00:03:00] implications of what you were putting onto another person. And it really,

it really confused me because self pleasuring and masturbation is about the self. It's about one's own body.

And the pleasure and excitement and good feelings that one can receive from touching themselves. And so it always just seemed odd to me that it was a sin to masturbate. I think part of it was also a sin because sex is supposed to, from a Christian perspective, Be for procreation. I don't 100 percent agree with that from the Christian perspective, but the focus is procreation

and it creates a whole slew of other issues that we see when it comes from Christianity and sex. So if you grew up in the Christian realm and you were told your entire life [00:04:00] that masturbation is a sin, it might feel wrong. or foreign or uncomfortable to think about self pleasuring, to think about touching yourself, to bring yourself to orgasm, or bring pleasure to your body in different ways that are outside of the external world.

Or perhaps taking the Christian perspective out of it, you are somebody who explored your body as a child. This is normal for children to do. It's normal for children to be curious about the different parts of their body. But unfortunately, it is also normal for parents to have an overreaction to that curiosity and natural exploration.

And it makes children feel as if what they are doing is wrong, that it's a big [00:05:00] no, and that if they are to do it, they will get in trouble. And so maybe you're somebody who grew up in that type of a household where the reaction from parents or other elders who may have overseen your childhood upbringing may have told you that it was wrong, May have scolded you for it or put you on a timeout or hit you for it.

And so you learned that self pleasuring, masturbation, exploring your body, being curious about its turn ons and turn offs was wrong. And obviously as a child you're not sitting here being like, Oh, if I touch myself here, I'm coming to orgasm because you have no concept of what an orgasm is. You just know that touching yourself there feels good.

And then you start to get into puberty age And you begin to explore it more, and a parent might react to it, and again, it might be a negative reaction that has taught you that this is something [00:06:00] that's supposed to be hidden. This is something that's not right, and we shouldn't talk about it, and we shouldn't let other people know that we do it.

Or maybe you've gone to the extreme of you just don't do it because you've been taught it's bad. Now I'm here to tell you that it's good.

And the reason it's good is because our bodies deserve pleasure in all forms. That's through the way we eat, the foods we eat, it's through the sounds we hear, the visualizations we see, the smells that come through our noses, the things that we touch. Touching certain fabrics brings different pleasures.

And just like all of those sensations, the sensations that we feel from bringing our body to excitement or bringing our body to orgasm are good, and they should be treated as [00:07:00] such, and they should be explored and fully honored.

Now, you might be somebody who struggles with pain, or discomfort,

or maybe you don't like penetration, or maybe you prefer a softer touch to a firmer touch, or maybe you're more of a firmer touch to a softer touch.

And sometimes when we experience pain or discomfort, we want to try to find other ways to navigate around that. And in my opinion, there is no better way than exploring your body on your own and finding the things that you like.

Right now, there are times when my clitoris hurt,

and so I'm in the process of exploring When does it hurt? Is there a different time frame in my cycle? Is there a different pressure that is needed? It's not all the time. But it's on [00:08:00] occasion. Maybe I've used my toys too much, or maybe the way my partner does a certain thing hurts it. But it's paying attention to the moment that it hurts, and then doing a little bit of self exploration and seeing if I can replicate it.

And if I'm able to replicate it, what was I doing when that pain came up again? And why does it only hurt on the left side? Why doesn't it hurt on the right side? There's all these different things. And it's through my own exploration that I'm able to find an answer. Have I found the answer yet?

No. And that's okay. But that's the beauty of self pleasure is that when things come up, we get to take the time that is needed. We get to pause and reflect and ask our bodies, what do you [00:09:00] need right now? The other beautiful thing about self exploration and self pleasuring is that

our bodies change over time. I've said this in other episodes, but we know this to be true just from a human perspective. Life throws different curveballs at us. We're gonna go through events in our life. Maybe you have children. Maybe a loved one passes away. Maybe you need to have surgery. Maybe you take on a health condition.

Maybe you change life partners. You go through a divorce and meet somebody new. There are so many things. That can happen and that's going to change our body, as women, as we age, our hormones change, we go through menopause and then we have perimenopause, ponipause, our bodies dry up and create less natural lubrication.

So there's things that are [00:10:00] naturally and externally happening to our bodies that are going to affect how we feel. What actually brings us pleasure now versus what brought us pleasure 10 or 15 years ago?

You create less lubrication, so what do you need to do to bring in more lubrication?

You had to have a surgery, and so maybe the location of the site feels uncomfortable to you. And you don't like it when your partner touches you there anymore. I have a spot on my leg from an accident that I can't feel an external skin to skin. I can't feel that, but I can feel pressure underneath.

And so there are times when my partner is making my legs feel beautiful, that I'll feel the pressure. And it's uncomfortable because I'm like, Oh, I can feel you there, but I can't feel you there. And I don't like it, and so it's like coming to that realization of those areas [00:11:00] on your body that you don't like to be touched or maybe Hey, that doesn't feel nice to me.

Can we move away from that area? Can we try to avoid that area? Everyone has. They're different yeses and nos. And maybe it's an area that you're like, huh, I don't know why I don't like to be touched there, or maybe I do, but I would love to be touched there. So I'm going to continue to explore this on my own to become comfortable with myself touching there before I let somebody else touch me there.

And then as you slowly become comfortable with your own body and your own touching, Then you can introduce somebody else touching you there. And it might be a different level of, Hey, let's take it slow. But you've also learned to trust via yourself. There's a lot of different avenues that self exploration and self pleasuring can assist [00:12:00] in.

I'm gonna go complete left field here, because I know this is something, especially for women, or vulva owners, that does create some discomfort. And that is the smell and the taste of our vulvas and vaginas.

There are a lot of jokes that get made about the scent and the taste of a vulva slash vagina, but

it's its own natural smell. It's its own natural taste. The vagina is a powerful tool. It is self cleaning and self lubricating, and we spend a lot of time trying to mask its natural scent or mask its natural taste. There's products made, we've heard of them, I think one is called St. Eve's, we're told to douche, we're told to spray perfume down there, [00:13:00] when we wear like pads and tampons, some of them come in different smells, there's all these different things that we're being told by society as a whole that it's bad.

That it's negative, but it's not. It's natural. And I can tell you that if you're with a person who truly appreciates female genitals, they will love the smell and the taste. They will be attracted to it and they will want it all the time. But we hear in music and on TV shows and in movies and just normal high school, middle school jokes that, it smells bad or it tastes bad. And, the main common reference is that it smells like a fish market. It does not. So that one just like boggles my mind. If it is something that you're concerned [00:14:00] about, the way that it smells, I highly suggest going to a doctor because they could take a look at it.

And they can help you with that. But, for the most part, your smell and your taste are natural. And what I'm about to ask, what I'm about to say, will probably make a lot of you uncomfortable. But, I highly recommend smelling yourself and tasting yourself. And this goes for penis owners too.

Smell yourself. You have balls, you sweat around your balls, and it's gonna smell, taste yourself, taste your own cum, and I know that probably sounds weird, and you're probably like, Jessica, why would I do that? That is stupid, that is gross. But here's the thing, when we have these insecurities, and when we have these narratives in our head, That something is true based on what [00:15:00] other people are saying.

We're placing

worthiness,

self love,

My mind is blanking on other words, but you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. We place the power of our own bodies into somebody else's hands.

I love to smell myself. And I love to taste myself. After my partner has gone down on me, I love to have him come up and kiss me so I can taste myself. Or if he's fingering me, I want to put his fingers in my mouth. If I'm fingering myself, I want to put my fingers in my mouth. Because I think I taste good.

Other men also think I taste good, but it's not about what they think. It's about what I think. I smell good. I taste good. And I only know this because I'm not afraid to explore that part of my body. And I think exploring that part of your body, Makes you realize, hey, I like my smell. I like my taste. So [00:16:00] that means other people are going to as well.

And if they don't, they're not the ones for me. Because I'm not gonna change my natural smell and taste to appease somebody else. It's natural. It is what it is. Now, when I say it's natural and it is what it is, I'm talking from a hygienic perspective, so wash with water, try not to douche, unless a doctor tells you to, but I doubt a doctor would tell you to, because again, the vagina is self cleaning.

So wipe front to back. Don't introduce bacteria and germs that aren't meant to be in the vulva. There. Allow it to be self cleaning. Take care of it with proper hygiene. And same goes for you penis owners. Take care of your penis with proper hygiene. And when we take care of our bodies with proper hygiene, we're going to smell and we're going to taste natural.

And that is a smell [00:17:00] and a taste that cannot be described anywhere else in the world. It is natural to you. And creating comfort in your body, exploring that part, helps create comfort when you're with somebody else. I remember the first time that a partner wanted to go down on me, the back of my mind was, I feel like I should be uncomfortable with this because every other person I talk to says that they're uncomfortable with this.

Because the narrative is that I'm going to taste bad or that I'm going to smell bad. And at this point I hadn't touched myself to taste or smell myself. And so I had no idea what I tasted or smelled like. And so my brain was doing this narrative that I was getting from the external world because that's what people are feeding to other people of you should be afraid for somebody to go down on you because you [00:18:00] might taste or smell bad.

You should be nervous for somebody to say you taste or smell bad. So when that person does go down on you, you should in turn be nervous. But here's the other thing. As females, our bodies have natural cycles to them, which means that I'm gonna taste and smell different when I'm ovulating versus when I'm bleeding.

My partners have all been able to tell the difference and not a single one of them have been like, I only like to go down on you when you're in this part of your face because you taste the best or you smell the best. No, they're willing to go down on me at any point.

And part of it is because I'm comfortable in my body. Enough so that I don't freak out when they're down there. I know I'm gonna taste and smell different at different times. Maybe I just had a heavy workout and I haven't had time to [00:19:00] shower. Very rare. I like to shower before I have sex. But,

Sometimes you're just in the moment. So because I'm comfortable with my body from that perspective, I'm able to relax, and I'm able to let a partner enjoy me. And also, I'm also able to enjoy what my partner is doing to me.

So there are these avenues of self pleasure. that open doors to making us more comfortable with somebody else coming in and exploring our bodies as well. We get to learn what our bodies smell and taste like. We get to learn where we like and don't like to be touched. We get to say, hey, I want to change this a little bit, so let me try it on my own.

And see if I actually do like it. And then I'll bring somebody else into it. Or, I've gained a little bit of weight. I'm not sure how my body feels [00:20:00] now. When it comes to sex. So let me touch my body. Hug the extra curves. Let me brush my fingers over my different fat pockets and give love to those parts of my body that maybe I'm feeling insecure about and tell the body they're beautiful and that they still are worthy of sex and pleasure.

Because through my loving and my telling my body it's okay.

I open the opportunities for comfort to exist when engaging in sex with somebody else.

Your bodies deserve love. Your bodies deserve to be explored to their fullest extent. And they deserve to have pleasure brought to them through different means,

through a gentle [00:21:00] touch, through a firm object. I was in Ikea a couple weeks ago with my friend and my sister. Okay, she'll get mad at me that I called her a friend. With both of my sisters. And we were in the kitchen section. It's going to be a really funny story. My sister picked up a wooden spatula.

And I, I don't know if she like hit it against her hand or something, but my brain was like, Oh, I like the sound of that. And so I walked over and I picked it up standing next to her and I hit it against my palm. And I was like, Ooh, this has a very good smack to it. I liked the way that the width of the spatula and the firmness of it felt against my skin.

And I was like this is now a sex toy. And I texted my partner and I said, I just bought a sex toy at Ikea. And [00:22:00] he was like, what? It was through the exploration of hitting myself with this object and feeling it against my skin and me saying, Oh, this feels good. My body reacted positive, positively to the feeling of this.

So I'm going to explore that more.

Now, I'm not saying go to Ikea and make everything a sex toy, because you shouldn't do that. Like my partner was using it on me the other day, and he was like, should we try this inside of you? And I was like, that is a wooden spoon that will probably splinter at some point, and I don't splinters up inside of me.

And he was like, good point. There are limitations to using certain objects, but it was through that exploration, that feeling it against my own skin, that told me you like this. Let's use this.

[00:23:00] Let's do this. Let's continue to bring pleasure to our body via this mechanism. And that's the beautiful thing about exploring your body is you might say, Hey, I like to use feathers trailing down my skin, or I like it when my partner, bites me here. And you might've figured that out because you pinched or you bit yourself.

And, or maybe you use one of those claw clips that are on hair pieces or something. Or maybe you buy like nipple clamps and you try them on yourself.

There are so many different things that you can do. Different toys that you can buy and try and be like, oh, I love to use this. Or, even the shower head. Maybe you like to use the shower head in a certain way. There's so many different things that you can learn to love or figure out that you don't want to do [00:24:00] it.

Maybe you don't like the shower head and maybe you're in the shower with your partner and they go to use the shower head on you and you're like whoa. I actually don't like that. Or maybe you find you vibrator over your own hand.

There are so many different things, which is why it's so important. I think masturbation is healthy and it's important. You might be somebody who wants to wait until marriage, and you might be nervous about the wedding night because. You have no idea how your partner might react to your body, or how you're going to react to your partner's body. And in my opinion, to take some of that nervousness away, you should be prepping by exploring yourself. And if it makes you uncomfortable to touch your genitals, because to you that's a sin, that's fine.

You don't have to touch your genitals, but [00:25:00] explore other parts of your body, grab some different textured fabrics and run them along your skin and decide, do you like that? Do you not like that? Buy different lubes and do test spots on your body because that's one of the biggest horror things that I hear from wedding nights is their partner reached for the lube and then they had an allergic reaction to the lube on their wedding night and had to be rushed to the hospital.

So one of the most important things you can do is maybe you and your partner, while you're preparing for your wedding night. You buy a lube to bring with on your honeymoon and you both take it and you put a little bit of dab of it on your skin, put it on your hand, put it behind your ear, put it on your leg, put it closer to your inner thigh, place it in different [00:26:00] areas, obviously start like somewhere less sensitive first Slowly begin to test it in different areas, just to make sure you don't have an allergic reaction.

To be safe, because the last thing you want is to have an allergic reaction, and then your magical moment be ruined. And then you're nervous even more the next time, because you're like, what if something happens? So there are things that you can do to begin exploring your body and seeing how your body reacts to things.

Are there certain candles that you want lit? Are there certain scents that turn you on? Are there certain phrases or words that you're like, Oh, I would love it if my partner said that to me.

Is there a lingerie or maybe a certain boxer or underwear that you love to wear that feels good against your skin and is going to make [00:27:00] you feel confident for the night of? Begin to explore in those avenues. And you know if you're somebody who's already had sex or you're not waiting for that special night, those are areas you can explore with yourself too.

Because everything comes down to what does your body feel good in? What does your body like?

Food? Smell? Um, fabric touches?

Do you like your feet rubbed? Do you want a massage before you have sex? What are different types of foreplay? That could help get you in the mood. I personally don't like to use the word foreplay because to me, it's all sex. But, what makes you feel good? And it is these types of avenues of exploring your body that helps you get there.

And it doesn't have to all be about the [00:28:00] genitals or orgasm. It gets to be about you. In your entirety, from head to toe, what do you like? Do you want to be blindfolded? Try wearing a blindfold and explore your body and touch your body and see how that heightens you.

Do you want candle wax poured on you? Get safe candles and practice the heat versus the cold. Drag some ice cubes along your body. Find the things that you like. Enjoy the exploration.

Exploring your body, bringing your body pleasure, is good. It can be healing. It can be peaceful. It can be nourishing. It can be nurturing.

When we find solace and comfort in our bodies, we feel safe. We feel confident. We feel valued and worthy and loved.

So take time today Even if it's just [00:29:00] sitting in your car while you're on a commute and running your fingers over your pants and feeling the sensations that get created along your skin.

Or maybe you rub your ear, or you light a candle and enjoy the scent. Whatever you might be doing, take some time today to explore it. And ask your body, what do you want? What sounds good to you? And then continue exploring from there. Just because you've had sex, just because you're married, just because you're in a partnership, doesn't mean you're a lesbian.

That your self love, self pleasure, masturbating, self exploration has to stop. It's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful connection between yourself and yourself. Go out there, navigate it, and enjoy it. I love you all. Enjoy the rest of your day. [00:30:00]