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THE LOWDOWN

In the final episode of the 'Sex and Money with Jess, I reflect on the 24-episode journey thus far, expressing gratitude to listeners and summarizing the series' insights.

This episode is all about personal sexual exploration, encouraging listeners to revisit the questions from episode 23 to better understand their own and their partner's sexual needs. I share my own personal experiences with societal expectations and boundaries in sex, and I share the importance of self-awareness, patience, and open communication.

It's important to take baby steps toward sexual comfort and fulfillment, and if you feel like you need support on your journey, make sure to reach out. I'd love to help. Thank you so much for listening

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, hey. We are in our final [00:01:00] episode of our sex series. I can't believe we are already at 24 episodes on the Sex and Money with Jess podcast. This has been such a fun journey. And I hope that you've learned things along the way, maybe you knew some of the stuff, maybe you've picked up, um, you know, like, little tidbits to help with in your own life, or share with friends if they are struggling in areas.

[00:01:35] I know that listening back through my episodes has definitely given me some insight and I've been hearing wonderful feedback from people who have listened to the podcast. So thank you everyone who has been here since the beginning and you're listening each and every week. I'm happy that you're here.

[00:01:59] I'm happy to be [00:02:00] doing this and I look forward to. all the episodes that are yet to come. Today is obviously our last episode of this mini series on sex and you might be wondering where do I go from here?

[00:02:20] Last week I asked you a slew of questions to sit down and think about for yourself, Invite your partner to come in and work with you on those questions, or work separately, and then maybe come together and discuss your answers with one another.

[00:02:42] That is a great place to start. If you haven't already, please revisit episode 23 because this is going to be a great episode to open the dialogue surrounding [00:03:00] sex. This could be a dialogue you have with yourself, talking out loud in the car, writing it down in a journal, or even just sitting in a coffee shop and thinking about What your answers are, whether or not you're in a partnership or you're by yourself, these are wonderful questions to get the mind thinking and reconnecting with your body and creating a full unit.

[00:03:34] That is going to help you create a foundation for your sex life. I know there's a lot of pieces that can be woven together when it comes to sex, and as we've talked about, our upbringing, society at large, our peer groups, Even our relationships all create [00:04:00] different narratives within ourselves about what sex means to us.

[00:04:05] And sometimes it can be difficult to silence the noise happening around us. I know for me sometimes, I hear conversations from friends, other peer groups, people that I follow on social media. And I think, Oh, I want to be like them or do I need to be like them? Um, you know, one of the biggest things that comes up is for me is I'm a sex coach.

[00:04:36] So maybe I should be more open to talking to Going to sex parties, or

[00:04:44] being in a non monogamous relationship, or all these other different avenues that are not me. And, While I have been to a sex party, it was something that was a step outside of my comfort zone, [00:05:00] but it also didn't cross any boundaries that I wasn't ready for. and I know myself, I am not somebody who could be non monogamous.

[00:05:12] And so knowing these things about myself doesn't diminish who I am as a person, doesn't diminish who I am as a sex coach, and it doesn't diminish What I have to offer partners, but also clients. And I think that's the biggest thing is we oftentimes look at the outside world to try to determine who we should be,

[00:05:37] but in reality, they don't get to decide who we are or what we do. We get to decide that for ourselves. So as I mentioned, go back, go through the list of questions from episode 23. If you don't want to listen to the full episode again, as I said, it's on my website where you can see the transcript. [00:06:00] As a reminder, the website is lovealwaysjust.

[00:06:04] com forward slash get started. And from there,

[00:06:09] as you start to think about what sex means to you and learn what it means to your partner and start to learn each other's bodies or start to learn your own body, it starts to open our eyes and our minds up to the greater world of sex at length. And I think that's a beautiful thing because

[00:06:35] when something is either unknown to us or kind of like, we're not allowed. To talk about it or experience it or think about it. Like it's been this like taboo topic for majority of her lives. And then we kind of open the door. Sometimes there's a lot of [00:07:00] information coming at us and it's scary and it's overwhelming because we're like, Whoa, hold on.

[00:07:06] What does it mean to be this? What does it mean to do that? I remember talking to my grandma after. She read Fifty Shades of Grey, and she was like, I had no idea that you could do that with that and put that in there. And it was kind of a funny reaction, um, mainly because it was my grandma, but also it was kind of like a true reality and reflection of reality, because she grew up in the generation where you just have sex to have a kid.

[00:07:41] You don't enjoy sex. You wear your clothes during sex. You keep the lights off during sex. You please your man, and that's it. And so for her to read Fifty Shades of Grey and Learn all these different things from the book, if you've read it, you [00:08:00] know what I'm talking about, was very eye opening for her, and also kind of a little, like, overwhelming, because she's coming from an extremely restricted, vanilla sex life, and then all of a sudden it's like, thrust into reading something About BDSM and using sex toys and all this kind of stuff.

[00:08:23] I can only imagine how overwhelming it was for her. And that might be how you're feeling currently. Just in navigating how to conversate around sex. Maybe it's not something that comes naturally to you. Maybe you're somebody who, the very thought of using the word sex, or using the anatomically correct names for your genitalia, in conversation with your partner, or even in conversation with your friends.

[00:08:56] Might seem like a lot and so when you [00:09:00] start to see or hear or read about all of these other things Sex encompasses it can be a lot. So don't be afraid to take baby steps to tiptoe to If you see an article on something that might seem a little bit too much right now, tuck it away and say, I'm going to return to that later.

[00:09:25] Or if you have questions that you want to ask your partner, or maybe your partner is coming to you and saying, hey, like, what do you think about this? What do you think about that? Ask them, hey, can we pause for a second? I'm not sure I'm quite ready to talk about that yet. I'm still kind of over here. Okay.

[00:09:45] Can we take things slowly? Can we spend a little bit of time learning about my body? Or you take some time and learn about your body and, like, be [00:10:00] patient with me. I'm, I'm, I'm new here.

[00:10:02] The biggest takeaway here is to go at your own pace. Because when it comes to our bodies, We don't want to step into something and do something later on we might feel uncomfortable with.

[00:10:20] You might want to explore certain sex positions or even explore turning the light on during sex or having face to face contact with your partner. Letting them see you naked, it might even be as simple as looking at yourself in the mirror naked, and that might be a stretch for you. And if you go from

[00:10:44] being afraid to see yourself naked to standing fully naked in front of your partner with the lights on in a matter of seconds, because you thought you were ready, but once you finished [00:11:00] having that experience, you were like, oh my gosh, I wasn't ready. I pushed myself too soon. So it's important to go slow.

[00:11:08] It's important to set up bus stops along the way of check in points and asking yourself, am I ready to go to the next level? Case in point, you're standing in front of the mirror and you're ready to take your clothes off.

[00:11:26] Do you have the full overhead lights on, or do you turn on a nightlight that might set a sexy mood for you to feel comfortable, and then the next time you do it, you do turn on the overhead lights. And then when you bring your partner in, you do the night light again. And then you check in later and you say, How did I feel about that?

[00:11:50] And then the next time you do it, if you're comfortable enough, turn on the overhead light. It's all about taking things slow. It's all about [00:12:00] embracing the step by step process and allowing your mind, your body, and your soul to be comfortable with each step in the process.

[00:12:12] Sometimes sex can move really fast and so it doesn't always feel sexy to stop your partner and say, hey, can we check in with each other? Or, hey, I'm not actually comfortable with this yet. Can we take a pause? Can we take a step back? Can we, can we stop right here and continue in this position or with this lighting or whatever it might be?

[00:12:40] Because I'm not ready yet to go to the next step. That can feel uncomfortable, and that can feel unsexy. But what is important about that, about taking those pauses, about checking in with ourselves before, during, and after [00:13:00] sex, is that we get to truly ask our bodies and our minds.

[00:13:04] Is this something you're ready for?

[00:13:06] I think back to The first time I had sex with one of my partners and things were moving quickly, but I wasn't quite ready for penis and vagina sex.

[00:13:22] And he asked and I declined. We still had a great time. And then the next time that we were having sex, I will still wasn't quite sure if I was ready. And he asked and I said, yes. And I had a great time.

[00:13:41] Afterwards, I felt a little uneasy. I, and I'm still, to this day, sometimes that moment comes up and I go, was I actually ready? I think there was a part of me that was ready because we were having a great connection. The sex was [00:14:00] great, but part of me also feels as if I may have moved a little too fast for my natural progression when it comes to sex.

[00:14:10] As you guys know, I had sex later in life, and so

[00:14:15] going full into penis and vagina sex with this partner only the second time felt a little uncomfortable. Now is it something that I regret? No. But it's definitely something that I took a pause

[00:14:33] and asked myself if I were to be in a similar situation down the road. What would I want to do differently? To make sure that I was fully prepared. To make sure that I genuinely wanted that. And it's taking those moments and looking back on what our sex lives were, what we want them to [00:15:00] be, and learning.

[00:15:02] Learning from lessons of things we could have done differently. Things we wish would have gone differently, things we would like from our partners to be different, and not necessarily regretting what had happened in the past, but taking that as a form of what was good, what wasn't good, and how do I make sure that I create

[00:15:29] The relationship that I want with a partner or even with yourself to have that sexual fulfillment that you honestly and truly desire and feels good and right in your body.

[00:15:44] Now this might not be something that is like super easy to sit down with yourself and go through and You know, if you have a lot of history of pain and trauma and things that you haven't worked [00:16:00] through, it might be important to reach out to a sex therapist and work through some of those feelings. But if you're sitting here and you have a good sense of a foundation, but you might want to learn some more about yourself or learn some more about your partner, you Please, please, please reach out to me, and let's have a conversation.

[00:16:21] Let's start the dialogue. Let's take one question at a time and learn what it is that you truly want. Because sometimes we don't have the words to formulate the sentences that we want. We don't know how to tell our partners, this is what we desire. Sometimes we don't even know how to tell ourselves, this is what we want.

[00:16:46] And so it's good to have a sounding board and that's where I come in. I'm somebody who has a background in sex coaching. I've studied sex and

[00:16:59] I myself have a [00:17:00] good foundation. For myself, through trial and error, I've done this before, I've asked myself these types of questions, and I constantly am thinking about what it is that I want, and what it is that I need. But not just myself, I'm constantly talking to friends, talking to family about what it is that we want and what we need.

[00:17:25] Because it's important, honestly, at the end of the day,

[00:17:29] talk to ourselves, to ask questions, to be informed, and to work through any questions or any uncomfortability that we might have. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to our bodies, we owe it to our minds, we owe it to our souls. Because you are a complete human being who has a sexual side to them, and that sexual side might even be that you're asexual.

[00:17:59] You [00:18:00] have sex organs, you have desires,

[00:18:03] and we might not always have the story that goes along with that, especially if we grew up in a household where sex wasn't talked about, where you were told it was bad or you were told that it was wrong, or that your body is bad or that your body is wrong. Those are the things that we need to navigate and undo, take apart, and then put back together.

[00:18:30] To create the picture that it is that we want. So I'm here. Schedule a call with me. Keep your eyes open for group workshops that I have going on.

[00:18:40] Just like when it comes to our finances. Our sex lives should be a priority. You know, we hear often that divorce often is a result of financial issues or sexual issues.

[00:18:57] And sometimes when we get to that [00:19:00] point where it's a quote unquote problem, we don't know how to come out from there. We don't know how to say to ourselves, I want to change, and so I need to do X, Y, and Z. And changing isn't easy, trust me, I know. It's one of those things where it's, We know what needs to happen,

[00:19:19] and we know kind of, like, where we want to get to. But just like I was mentioning earlier, sometimes you open that door and all this information is coming at you. And it's overwhelming, and you're like, spinning, and you're like, what the hell am I doing? This is too much. I don't know. It's overwhelming and scary, and this is why it's important to have somebody to talk to because then you can pause, and they can get you to focus on one thing, and if you're like me, my brain overthinks everything, and so it's important to have that clarity.

[00:19:58] It's important to [00:20:00] have, like, a sounding board where you can take all the noise in your brain, all the noise from external forces, and silence it, and say to yourself, Okay, you asked me this particular question. This is what that means to me. This is what feels right in my soul, what feels right in my body.

[00:20:24] So, from here on, going forward, when any unease comes up or any uncomfortability comes up, pause. Ask yourself, What am I feeling in my body? What am I feeling in my soul? What, what, what is trying to come across?

[00:20:45] Why am I uncomfortable? Why is this not so easy for me to move forward and to step into or talk to my partner about? Where does that fear stem from and process it? Through a journal? [00:21:00] Through a coach? Or even sitting down and talking to your partner about it, being like, Hey, something's feeling tight in my body.

[00:21:07] Can we, can we talk about this? I don't know what, I don't know what's coming up, but can we talk about it?

[00:21:13] And then once you find the solution, you might not even have a solution. You might just say, Hey, let's try this. Spend some time with it. Do the action. And then see how you feel afterward. And if your body feels good, then you did something right. And if you're still feeling a little bit of the uncomfortability, revisit it.

[00:21:35] See, did feel good about your action, your solution, and what didn't feel good? And then pivot and try to find the next answer, and so on and so forth.

[00:21:47] Our sex lives are important, and when we grow up hearing that it needs to stay hidden, or that it needs to be a certain way, or that it's bad, [00:22:00] it's really easy to brush it aside and say it's not that important. But our bodies like to feel good, and our bodies like to have that connection with partners. So, taking the time to navigate your sex life.

[00:22:16] And understand it and embrace it is super, super important.

[00:22:20] As we close out the series, I hope that you are learning how to be comfortable in these conversations. I'm sure there are things that I said that made you uncomfortable. So revisit those moments. And ask yourself, why was that uncomfortable for me? Or why did I agree with her on that? Or why did I disagree with her on that?

[00:22:44] And it's totally okay if you disagreed with me. Everybody has a different vantage point when it comes to sex.

[00:22:51] It's not a one size fits all. And that's why it's important to have these conversations. Because when you get together with a [00:23:00] partner, What works for you may not work for them. But then you have to find common ground in order for your sex life to work out. Which is why it's important to have a strong sense of what sex means to you and your body.

[00:23:15] So that way, when you do merge with another person, and you need to find those commonalities, you can also distinguish between a hard boundary and a soft boundary. A hard boundary being something that's not happening, that's a no for me. And a soft boundary being, that's something I'm open to, but can we slowly explore it?

[00:23:41] Can we take it easy until my body is comfortable with it? Knowing your limitations, knowing the things that you are and aren't willing to do, is super, super important.

[00:23:52] And knowing what brings you satisfaction. So that when you are with your partner, you can give them [00:24:00] directions. You can tell them what you like. You can tell them what you dislike. You can have fun and not worry about, am I doing something right? Am I doing something wrong? You can have check in moments and feel safe and feel comfortable.

[00:24:15] So please, please, please take the time. Prioritize your time.

[00:24:21] It's a fun thing in life. And if it's new to you, that's fine. Take it slow. Figure out what you do like. Figure out what you don't like. Enjoy the process, and if it's something you've been doing for years and you think you've figured it all out, still revisit these questions, because as I've mentioned before, our bodies change, our life circumstances change, and all of that is going to change the narrative in your body about what sex is and isn't to you.

[00:24:56] So constantly check in with yourself. Always ask [00:25:00] yourself, How am I feeling today? Do I feel good? Is this something that feels right in my body?

[00:25:06] As time goes on, we're going to continue to dive into these topics. We're going to dive into more financial stuff, more sex stuff, and more life in general stuff. And I'm so excited to continue having these conversations with you. And I'm excited to bring in guests and talk to other people about what sex and money and finances and, you know, bodies and partnerships and all this stuff means to everybody, because as you'll see and as you'll learn, every single person is different, and we're not meant to agree with each other on everything.

[00:25:46] So refer back to episode 23 as a starting basis for questions to ask yourself, questions to ask your partner, ways to check in with yourself, and then begin the process of [00:26:00] doing just that, checking in with yourself, asking your body what it likes, what it wants, what it desires. And going from there. Thank you again for showing up.

[00:26:12] Thank you for being here. I've thoroughly enjoyed this journey and I can't wait to see what comes in the future. I pray that the rest of your week goes well and please please please please know that I love you and that I'm so thankful that you are here on earth.

[00:26:33] Have a wonderful wonderful rest of your day. Bye. [00:27:00]