I was talking to a friend today and I told them that my mom dying changed me. It has been the hardest thing to date in my life that I have had to go through and it’s been fucking tough.

They replied by telling me that they hadn’t thought about how impactful her dying would be to me and how it really had been the hardest thing I had gone through. They had always considered me a strong person and thought I would get through it like normal. They had also compared it to their life hardships and how when their father figure passed away it wasn’t by any means the toughest thing they had gone through.

Now that they took a step back and looked at things through my lens, they could see that it certainly was the most difficult moment of my life and had a deeper understanding of why the past year and a half has been tough. They could see why I wasn’t who I was before her passing and the reasons why I was so visibly changing in various ways.

Now, there is nothing wrong with changing, we all do it. Life is meant to be a series of changes from birth until death. We may try to fight the change, but at the end of the day the change is going to happen whether we sign off on it or not. What we do get a say in is how we react and adjust to that change. Do we let it negatively take over our lives, or do we find the positives in the change and find ways to build a brighter future around it?

As I navigate this changed person I give myself grace. I give myself permission to show up messy. I give myself the opportunities to change my mind on the daily. Some of my changes have shocked people, taken them aback because it’s not who they are used to. And that is okay.

But what it also comes with is the responsibility to learn the best ways to communicate the ways in which I have changed. Why I may need things to look different for the chapter of life I am in. What my friends and family can do to support me.

If I look at things through my lens only I will see how my changes are affecting me positively, but may miss how they are affecting others negatively, or vice-a-versa. In turn, if those around me only look through their lens they will see things from their perspective only.

It is when we take a moment to listen and understand the other person’s side that we can find a way to merge both lenses together and find a path forward.

Change is inevitable in all walks of life, both positive and negative. We don’t get through life without it, but we must be sure to maintain a sense of direction that doesn’t leave us walking life’s path alone.

If you are in a situation where a change has left you on the rocks with a loved one, take the moment to meet with them and discuss the situation. While uncomfortable as it may be, it can also reward you in a way that sets you up to move forward in the change without any “what-ifs” floating around.

Love always,

Jess