What Do You Want In A ParTner?
What do you look for in a partner?
A question we all get asked at some point in our lives. By friends and family who want to set us up with that person they know, or from dating apps trying to fit us into their algorithm in order to match us with a partner.
During my college years I would typically respond with, “someone I can argue with,” which would leave those who asked a little stumped. It wasn’t the answer they were looking for. It wasn’t the list they so badly wanted to hear.
The list of must haves and have-nots. The list of pros and cons. The list of turn-ons and turn-offs.
The list that, in my opinion, was filled with frivolous and shallow expectations of what one wanted in a partner.
6’0” tall
makes six-figures
drives a BMW
other material and superficial things
I wanted more substance, which is why I’d say I wanted someone I could argue with. Arguing, and conflict resolution, require good communication. They require partners who want to show up in the relationship and build a deeper and stronger connection. They require vulnerability and intimacy.
As the years have gone by I’ve added a few things to my list:
no smoking
doesn’t drink coffee religiously
doesn’t consume alcohol every day / isn’t reliant on alcohol
And to some I know these seem frivolous and shallow.
I’ve been called out and told I’m ridiculous for what’s on my list.
A guy I was talking to tried to convince me that Indian cigarettes are not the same as American cigarettes because they are medicinal, and said that he only smoked when he went out drinking with his buddies. I simply told him I wouldn’t start up a relationship knowing that my partner would lie to me every time he goes out with friends.
“everyone drinks coffee, you won’t find someone who doesn’t.” I personally don’t drink coffee. I will maybe have one tall caramel frappuccino once a year, but the coffee breath that comes after it is a turn-off, on both me and a partner. okay, maybe this one is a bit shallow ;-p
Friends have told me that their partner will come home after work and pop open a beer, or enjoy a glass of wine to unwind after a day of work, and that I shouldn’t get to uptight about someone wanting to enjoy that. A refreshing drink every once in a while is not an issue for me, heck I enjoy them from time to time, but I’ve spent my life watching what alcohol does to loved ones. Those experiences are not something I want repeated in my relationship.
Despite the thoughts and opinions of others, I have a list of qualities that I seek in a partner that mean something to me. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else.
The same should ring true for you.
As you grow as a person your list will grow with you. Your life experiences will fill in the turn-ons and turn-offs. The pros and cons. The must haves and have-nots.
And one day you might find yourself in the relationship of your dreams, fulfilling that list or not.
One year into my relationship and it clicked, my partner checks off every single one.
