EPISODE 13: Navigating Your Sexuality
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THE LOWDOWN
Welcome to today's episode of "Sex and Money with Jess." We're embarking on a new series of episodes, shifting our focus from money to the equally important topic of sex. In the initial 12 episodes, we delved into various aspects of finances, exploring emotions, organization, and intimacy with money.
But today, let's open up the conversation around sex. It's a topic often shrouded in silence by society, despite its omnipresence in media and politics. We're taught conflicting messages about sex - it's everywhere, yet we're not supposed to openly discuss it or understand our own desires.
Growing up, my family had open conversations about both sex and money. However, entering college opened my eyes to the lack of knowledge many people have. While college often becomes a time of exploration, I found myself less swayed by societal pressures due to the groundwork laid by my parents.
Attending a Christian campus added layers to the conversation, with discussions around abstinence and religious views on sex. But these conversations often lack depth, leaving individuals ill-prepared for the complexities of sexual relationships.
Personal experiences shape our views on sex. For me, it wasn't until I was 27 that I felt ready to engage in vaginal intercourse. But sex isn't just about physical acts; it's about understanding what feels good emotionally, functionally, and intellectually.
Education plays a crucial role in sexual health. I recall supporting a peer who lacked basic knowledge about contraception due to a lack of education and societal stigma. This highlights the importance of comprehensive sex education and open dialogue.
My parents' simple yet profound advice - if you're not mature enough to buy condoms, you're not mature enough to have sex - emphasizes the importance of responsibility and communication in sexual relationships.
Sexual empowerment comes from understanding and embracing our desires, free from societal judgments and stereotypes. It's about feeling comfortable in our bodies and having open, honest conversations with our partners.
Over the next 11 episodes, we'll explore various aspects of sexuality, from navigating shame and quick fixes to communicating with partners effectively. My hope is that through these conversations, you'll feel more confident and empowered in your own sexuality, free to build a fulfilling sex life on your own terms.
Remember, your sexuality is unique and beautiful, and there's no shame in exploring and embracing it. So let's dive in and start unpacking the complexities of sex together.
MENTIONED IN SHOW:
Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess
SHOW NOTES:
Episode begins at [00:00:54]
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Welcome to today's episode of sex and money with Jess. We are starting a [00:01:00] whole new slew of episodes. The first 12 episodes, we talked about money. We talked about our feelings surrounding money, how to organize our finances, the different ways to become intimate with our finances. and the whole gambit.
Obviously there's a lot more to talk about when it comes to money, which we will dive in later in later episodes,
but today I want to begin the conversation around sex. Sex is another one of those conversations or topics that society at large tries to brush under the rug. We don't like to talk about it. It's everywhere around us. It's in our media. It's In our faces, when it comes to talking about politicians, there's a lot of sex surrounding a lot of different [00:02:00] narratives, but at the same time, we're not supposed to talk about it.
We're not supposed to want to have sex. Or if we do want to have sex, we haven't been taught enough about it or taught how to really truly think about it from our own perspective.
I mentioned in the very first episode that my parents had conversations surrounding sex and money with my siblings growing up. If you were to ask my siblings, they would say that we were very open around it.
So when I went to college, my eyes were kind of open for the first time. Seeing how little people really knew. I always heard stories and read in like different books and stuff that most people when they go to college, sex becomes kind of like a center. of their world, because usually you're not at home, you're living [00:03:00] on the wild side, according to some people, and really you begin to experiment with sex, alcohol, drugs, that type of thing.
Going into college, I didn't really have a desire to do either of those. experimenting with sex, drugs, and alcohol. And I, I hold the conversations that my parents had with us as probably the key to that. Because I had a concept, I had an idea of what this was, and Although I wanted to have sex, and although
I did experiment with trying alcohol and drugs, it didn't fully consume me. Because I had conversations around it. I had a pretty good self awareness to what my desires were.
I've mentioned it before, I went to a Christian campus. So that holds a whole other slew of conversations, [00:04:00] topics, all of that surrounding sex. I don't want to call them issues because people do follow religious
aspects, I should say, when it comes to having sex. People do like to wait until marriage. People do like to abstain. And that's totally 100 percent okay. if that's their prerogative. But some of the other things that do come up is when we get into conversations surrounding abstinent only conversations.
How does that affect our lives? How does that affect what happens once we go from singlehood to married? How does the negative connotations, not just from a religious aspect, but from society as a whole, affect our minds when we start to enter into relationships and engage in sex? There are a lot of different
bits and pieces that play a role in how we show [00:05:00] up in our sexual lives. And what we have been taught, as well as what we haven't been taught, affects us. I mentioned that I didn't really have the desire to pursue a lot of sexual engagement when I was in college. I actually didn't lose my virginity, if we go based off of those constructs, until I was 27.
I experimented with other parts of sex. But I didn't have vaginal intercourse until I was 27. And there's a whole lot of stuff. Great English there, Jessica. There are a whole lot of things that play into that, which we will get into later. But it's one of those things where
sex has a lot of different
avenues. We learn things from the people around us. We learn things from our peers, our parents, our educators, society, media.
We're taught a [00:06:00] lot of different things from each one of those and all of those differences inform what we do and what we don't like. But what they don't do is they don't really teach us
to consciously think about what feels good in our bodies. We obviously know certain parts of sex are bad when consent isn't involved. When things are taken from us. All of that is bad,
but there are a lot of good things around sex. I personally feel aren't talked about enough. Whether that's from a religious perspective, an education perspective, we definitely do see a lack of openness and a lack of realisticness when it comes to our sexual lives.
Just like when it comes to our personal finances, there really [00:07:00] is no one size fits all concept.
Yes, there are similar topics, and yes, we all generally experience similar things when it comes to our bodies, when it comes to our sexualities. But, every person's story is unique. Every person has a different upbringing. And so, when it comes to sitting down and truly determining what works and doesn't work for you,
One, it's important. But two, how are you really going to know that if you're constantly being told, This is wrong. This is bad. Or if you really haven't been taught anything. I think back to entering college and I remember
one of my peers
got a boyfriend and they began having [00:08:00] sex
but they didn't know proper protection
and were constantly panicking about being pregnant. Multiple times I had to go to Target with them and They'd panic, and so I'd take their money, go to the pharmacy section, and buy pregnancy tests and condoms for them. Thankfully, they were never pregnant, but it was that lack of education and lack of conversation with their family and their parents that led them to not knowing about contraceptive.
Typically when you're a Christian, depending upon your denomination, Birth control is frowned upon. In addition, you're taught abstinence only. So when you're beginning to explore your sexuality, you fail to think about barriers or protection because it's not at the forefront of your mind. You're going based off of your natural urges from [00:09:00] your body and things feel good and you don't think to stop and you don't think to ask questions and you don't think to put a pause and put protection on
and then you begin to panic after because what if you're pregnant? But then you're humiliated and you feel shamed, so when you go to the store, you can't follow through with buying the pregnancy test. You can't follow through with buying a condom. Because you've been taught, this is wrong. This is distasteful.
I shouldn't be doing this. One of the things my parents always said to me and my siblings was if you're not Mature enough to walk into a gas station and buy a pack of condoms Then you're not mature enough to have sex. It's a simple phrase It's an easy phrase, but there's a lot of meaning behind it.
Basically if you're not comfortable enough to be Protecting your body and protecting your [00:10:00] partner's body
Whether or not that's from STDs or pregnancy and condoms doesn't have to be the sole thing. But basically, if you're not willing to protect your body or your partner's body, if you're not willing to
be comfortable in the pursuit of sex,
then you shouldn't be having sex.
And while there is a lot more nuances to that,
the biggest point is we all need to be comfortable with our bodies and with our sexuality. There's a whole spectrum when it comes to sex. Oftentimes in today's world, we call it vanilla sex and kink. We talk about our different, you know, genders. We talk about our different different expressions.
We simply just have different backgrounds, different personhoods that All encompass who we are as a sexual human [00:11:00] being. And that sexual human being is going to differ from our partner or our partners.
Given how hush hush this topic is, it is very easy to see and understand why people struggle with it. Why, We see relationships end because of things such as sex or money. It's hard to have conversations around something when you can't put words to what it is that you are, that you like, that you enjoy, that you desire.
And this is why I love talking about sex.
To lessen the stereotypical
persona that it's bad, that we shouldn't enjoy it, that it's only meant for marriage, that if you have sex with multiple people, you're going to hell, or you're going to get an [00:12:00] STI, or any of the other negative connotations surrounding sex.
I mentioned that I didn't have sex until I was 27
and there are various reasons for that. But the biggest thing is I wasn't ready because I didn't feel comfortable around what sex meant to me. And as soon as I was ready, I was out there having sex. And now, one, I feel great in my body, but two, I'm able to have conversations with my partners.
Sometimes it's hard, I'm not gonna lie, but I also recognize that I am quite capable of voicing what it is that I want or what it is that I don't want. I am secure in my body
and its sexual desires.
Of course, I'm human, I have insecure days, but just like I'm secure in my finances and what it is that I desire with my [00:13:00] money, I'm also secure in my sexuality. Thank you for listening.
And if I don't know what's up, I know how to sit with myself and figure it out. I know how to reach across the aisle and ask my partner, what's going on with them. It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
but being able to feel comfortable in the uncomfortable, I think is one of the key things when it comes to sex and when it comes to your finances. We're adults, living adult lives,
and these are not topics that are going anywhere. Feelings come up. Feelings ebb and flow.
Lives move on and forward and continue to come and happen. Whether we like it or not,
and having a better control, having a better understanding [00:14:00] surrounding sex and money is certainly going to make each of our lives easier to handle, and more enjoyable, and more fun, and more easygoing.
And that's why I'm here to talk about this. So for the next 11 or so weeks, we're going to dive into sex. We're going to dive into the feelings that come up similar to what we talked about with our finances, shame, quick fixes. You're deserving of enjoyable sex.
We're going to talk about how to bring these things up with your partner.
We're going to dive into this topic and we're going to get a better understanding. Of how to determine in our bodies what feels good. And I don't just mean sexually, I mean emotionally, functionally, intelligently. [00:15:00] What do you like? What do you not like? What's easy for you to talk about? What's not easy for you to talk about?
And why? How do we change that? How do we navigate it?
So we took a deep dive into money, now we're gonna take a deep dive into sex. And we're going to unroll some of these feelings and topics and conversations surrounding it.
My hope is that over these next 11 episodes, you begin to feel more comfortable in your body. You begin to feel more at ease. We're confident talking about your sexual life, however that looks. My hope is that you tune in and you learn and you build the life
of your sexuality the way that you want it to look. Because as I said, it's going to look different than somebody else's and that's okay. It's [00:16:00] beautiful.
And then merging that with a partner or partners, or maybe you don't. All of it's okay. Your sex life is yours, just like your money is yours.
There's no reason to feel anything but good surrounding this topic. And it might take some time to get there, and that's okay. I'm not expecting everybody to wake up tomorrow and be like, I love sex! And talk about it with everybody and everything.
But sex is a part of our lives. We're certainly being shown it every single day with media, so
we will dive in in future episodes. I'm excited. I look forward to it. And I hope you know that your sexual desires, your sexuality, your sexual life is a beautiful thing. Have a wonderful rest of your week. I look forward to talking to you [00:17:00] next week. Bye.
