EPISODE 20: Getting Intimate with Your Sex Life

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THE LOWDOWN

Welcome to today's podcast episode! Let's dive into today's topic: sex. When it comes to money, we all want more. But with sex, it's not always about quantity—it's about what you need and deserve. Your libido, preferences, and relationship dynamics all play a role.

So, take a moment to reflect: What do you feel is missing from your sex life? Maybe you're content, and that's great. But if not, it's okay too. Our needs change over time, influenced by our bodies, environments, and relationships.

In my past, sex was just physical. But now, in a committed relationship, it's more about intimacy and connection. Despite life's demands, we make time for each other—even if it means scheduling sex.

Communication is key. Whether it's expressing desires or addressing challenges, open dialogue strengthens intimacy. It's scary, but essential for growth.

As we age, life gets busier and stress mounts. Sex often takes a backseat, but it's worth prioritizing. It deepens our connection and strengthens relationships.

If you're feeling disconnected, start with small steps—hold hands, cuddle, or have a heartfelt conversation. And don't be afraid to initiate. Vulnerability leads to growth.

Remember, it's a journey. By communicating openly, prioritizing intimacy, and sharing responsibilities, you can cultivate a fulfilling sex life. So, let's embrace the journey together!

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, how's it going? I hope that your Monday, your week, wherever you are, when you're listening to this podcast is going great. I know that life tends to be filled with a lot of different ups and downs. So if you're going through something right now, I'm sending you all my love. And if you are in the highest of highs, I'm so happy to hear that life is going great for you.

I'm just constantly reminded by my mother that life is good and you know a few weeks ago I was complaining to my sister I was like life sucks and you know I was crying and I was telling her mom lied life isn't good and then literally A minute later, my partner knocks on my door, and [00:01:00] he brings me a present from Jamaica, and it's a beach hat with Life is Good embroidered on it.

And I broke down crying, because that was my mom's favorite saying. And it became like her quote, life is good. And no matter what she went through during her cancer battle, and even outside of cancer, she just always reminded everybody that life is good. And so I just want to remind you that no matter what you're going through, that life is good.

And I know it sucks to hear because I always hated hearing it when I was going through a bad thing, but my mom was right. Life is good. And even through the trials and tribulations, It's going to be okay. It doesn't feel like it right now, but it is going to be okay.

I don't know if you've noticed, but over the past, however many episodes we're into right now, I've been [00:02:00] coinciding the episode topics that we talked about with money to the similar topic about sex. And this week we're going to be talking about sex. deserving more. And when it came to the topic of money, made sense 100%.

We all want more money. We all want to watch our wealth grow. We want to see our wages increase. We want to have more money in our bank account. We want to be able to do more things with money. But when it comes to sex, the answer isn't as cut and dry as needing or wanting more sex, because that honestly is relative to the person.

Maybe you're somebody who has a lower libido and doesn't need as much sex. Or you are somebody with a higher libido and you're like, I want a lot of [00:03:00] sex. Or maybe it's not about the quantity, rather the quality.

There's a lot of different things that play into this topic of deserving more sex. And I want you to stop and ask yourself What is it that you feel may be missing from your sex life? And honestly, if stuff isn't missing from your sex life That's perfectly okay. As I've mentioned in previous episodes, we all go through different stages of life and depending upon the stage that we're in, it may differ within our sex Life, we may want more things or need more things or enjoy different things depending upon where we are within our outside lives, outside of sex.

Our bodies change, our environments [00:04:00] change, our partnerships change, and that's okay. So you might be sitting here and be saying to yourself, honestly, My sex life is great. It's exactly what I need right now. I feel content with it and I'm happy for you and that's amazing. And so for those of you who are in that boat, I hope that you take away from this lesson or take away from this episode things that could help you should you not be in that place in a year or two.

Or maybe you can take these to your partner and say, hey, Out of curiosity, how do you feel about our sex life right now? Do you feel content with it? Is there something more that you need? Do you need less of something? Where are you right now? So I want you to pause and just think,

what are your feelings around your sex life?

Do you need to connect with your partner more? Do [00:05:00] you need to try something new? Are you feeling bored? Are you feeling disconnected from your body? Are you feeling dissatisfied? Or maybe you are feeling satisfied, but that satisfaction has you. thinking maybe I want to try something new. Maybe I want to explore a different realm.

Maybe I want to talk to my partner about my fantasies. So what's going through your head right now?

I think back to past partnerships and if you were to ask my past partners what did Jessica need from her sex life and they would probably tell you she needs a lot of sex and That is true, I do have a high libido, but I'm thinking about my life currently, and one of the biggest changes that I've noticed is I [00:06:00] still love having sex, and I could have a lot of sex, but I also have realized that

I feel very secure in my partnership right now. I feel his commitment to me and his commitment to our partnership

that despite us not having time to have sex multiple times a week, I'm okay. And

I honestly, it makes me happy and it makes me smile because I love sex. And I knew that, I know that if my partner and I were living together, we would be having a lot of sex. We go on vacations and we're having sex every single day, multiple times a day. And so I know that when our life transitions to that, sex is gonna pick up.

But one of the things that, it's just like a mind shift where my brain was like, [00:07:00] Oh, I feel secure. I don't need To like, I'm not just meeting up with him to have sex and I think that's the difference between My current partner and my past partners. It was just sex. There was no Relationship, there was no commitment.

There was no future building. And so yeah, we had a lot of sex But I always felt like there was something missing

with my current partner. Our sex is different our sex life has You a lot more intimacy, a lot more connection. And so I feel happy with where we're at. We've done a lot of growing together. We've done a lot of

figuring things out because I've had injuries. He's had injuries. And so it's been a lot of learning each other's bodies in the times that we've had, but also building connections outside of sex, [00:08:00] which for me, I was missing in my past partnerships. And so we're where I'm at right now in life is I'm in a committed relationship that has great sex.

And maybe it's not as, maybe it's not happening as much as it was with past partners, but that's because I'm feeling satisfied and connected. in other areas of our life. And this is what I mentioned when I was asking the question earlier about how our lives go through different stages. And so our outside environment is going to have a role within our sex life.

And so we're Do I wanna have more sex with my partner? Sure.

I love sex. I don't know how many times I have to say that. And I know he loves sex too. And I know we love having sex with each other. But, because we have security and connections. In those other [00:09:00] areas of our life, we have conversations that are deeper and more connected, and we have the similar goals that we're striving for, both individually and as partners.

I feel satisfied. I know he would love more, but I also know that he feels satisfied with where we're at

and it's that external environment, that other means of connecting. That is affecting our sex life right now. And I'm not saying it's affecting it in a negative way. It just is what it is. Now, do we try our hardest to find time to have sex? Absolutely. And we're at a stage in our life where we have to like text each other.

Hey, are you free tomorrow morning? Hey, how does Saturday look? Just because of the way that our schedules are built. We both have jobs. His job is not a nine to [00:10:00] five. My job is a nine to five. But then I have other things happening outside of those windows. I go hang out with my family on the weekend and he's working on the weekend.

There are things that are playing into. Our day to day lives.

that can affect our sex life. But we always make sure to check in with each other. We always make sure to send each other texts, whether or not it's flirty or sexy. He just went on vacation and I sent him a bunch of photos because I was thinking about him and I was horny. Obviously, he wasn't there to take care of me, but as soon as he got back, we made sure to physically connect with each other.

And I think that's where

asking ourselves, how are we feeling? Are we satisfied? Are we dissatisfied? Are we looking for more connection? I think that's, those are [00:11:00] more important questions than just saying, I want more sex. Because it might not be about having more sex. And you know what? Maybe it is. And if it is, great. I'm glad you know that about yourself.

I'm glad you are aware that you want more physical intimacy with a partner.

But there could be other things that are playing into it. Maybe life is really stressful right now. And yeah, sex 100 percent helps with stress. But maybe it's not about the physical act of sex. Maybe it's about having a different type of conversation,

or maybe you and your partner are in completely different stages of life, and one of you has a lower libido, and the other one has a higher libido. And so you need to sit down, and you need to have a conversation of, Hey, right now, I'm just not feeling asexual because of [00:12:00] A, B, and C.

As a partner, I want to be there for you, and I want to have sex with you, but it can't be as much as you want it, unless maybe you're able to help me with B. I feel overwhelmed with the children or I feel overwhelmed with the household duties. Do you think that you could help me take over doing laundry or take over doing the dishes or maybe you can take child A and I take child B and we get them both down for bed and then we can have sex because it takes.

stress off of my shoulders.

There are these conversations that can happen. And I think that's the hardest part when it comes to sex is having these conversations, being open, being vulnerable, and saying, I need more from you, or I need different from [00:13:00] you. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. It's just saying, Hey, I've changed as a human.

My needs have changed, my body has changed,

and because of this, my desire for sex has changed. It doesn't mean that I want you less, it doesn't mean that my,

my wanting to be with you has changed. I've just changed as a person, and so that looks different for me now.

And that might be one of the hardest things to wrap our brains around. When we're younger, we have, for the most part, less stress. Life is easier. We just have to worry about school, going to college,

and whether or not we got our homework done. And then once we're done with our classes for the day, it's pretty much hang out, chill, have fun with friends. You're living on a [00:14:00] campus with each other. You don't have your nine to five jobs. You don't have bills. You don't have children. Things are different when we're younger.

We may have some hardships, but then as you get older, your body changes. Your schedule changes. You add kids to the mix. Your friends and your family might start passing away. And so then you add grief to the mix, you add bills, you add wanting to pay for vacations and wanting to buy a house, but then money being tight.

There's a lot of other stressors that happen as you get older. And your sex life is going to change because of it.

I am a huge advocate for having intimate connection with your partner. And yes, it's going to change. And yes, it's going to be one of those things that is going to be super easy to put to the wayside and just be like, we'll get to it next week. I'm too [00:15:00] tired today.

It's one of those things that is very easy to say, I'm just too tired.

I'm not one of those people who is saying, you can't be tired and not want to have sex. 100%. I've been there. I get tired, you guys. Sleep is of the utmost importance to me. Ever since I was a baby, I could sleep like a rock. 14 plus hours a day. If I don't get my sleep, I become raging bitch. Ask my family, ask my friends, ask my partner.

So with that being said,

I do believe in physical connections between partners. I do think it's important to a relationship, but it is also very easy to be the one thing that we push to the side, especially when you start to add all these different things on. As you get older, you start to take care of your family, you start to take care of your parents, you become a caretaker to children, to [00:16:00] parents, to grandparents, all this stuff.

And it is so easy to just say, sex can wait,

but sex can be so beneficial. And it is one of the, in my opinion, best ways. To connect with your partner, to differentiate the relationship you have with your partner versus relationships you have with other people.

It is important to also have those conversations of, hey, this is what I'm going through and I want to connect with you more. What is, what are you going through? What can we do in this partnership to make sure that we're both showing up in our sexual lives? And maybe you're in a period of, we haven't had sex in a few months or a few years, and so it might seem foreign.

It might [00:17:00] seem

like it's, there's a huge learning curve. It might feel awkward

and it doesn't mean that if you're in this period of we haven't had sex for an extensive amount of time, it doesn't mean you go straight to having sex. Take the baby steps. Have a hot steamy make out session in the car. Like you were in high school, or college.

Hold hands, lay in bed together, and just run your hands over each other's skin. Stare into each other's eyes, hug for an extensive period of time. Cuddle. Take things slow. Build back up that excitement and that desire for each other's bodies.

Sometimes going from A to Z seems like a lot and it seems stressful. Maybe your body has changed and you're nervous for your partner to see you naked again. Yeah, sure, they've seen [00:18:00] you naked walking through the hall or in the bathroom or in the shower or whatever, but they haven't seen you naked this up close.

They haven't been able to touch you or connect with you, and so you might be feeling insecure in your body.

But even despite that insecurity, you still feel like you want that connection. You want that desire to turn into actual sex. But it's scary.

And so it's totally okay to take things slow again. Get to know each other's bodies. Get to know each other's comfortableness. What do you like and don't like now?

And one of the best ways to get to that point where you're taking things slow again is to approach the topic. Say to your partner, Hey, We haven't had sex in a while, and I'm not putting a blame on you. I'm not [00:19:00] saying it's your fault. I'm not saying it's my fault. I'm just saying we haven't put each other as a priority in that department in a while.

So let's find time To do that.

And maybe right now, taking a couple of hours is too much, but you know what? Tonight, when we go to bed, can we just lay there and hold each other? Can we just stare at each other? Or maybe you're the type of person who's I need you to chase me. I need you to take the lead here.

So do you think that at some point tonight, maybe while I'm in the kitchen cleaning, Maybe while I'm in the kitchen cooking, you could just come up behind me and wrap your arms around me and kiss my neck.

Do you think tomorrow morning when you leave for work or maybe on your lunch break, you could send me a sexy text message of hey, your butt looked great in those [00:20:00] jeans

Start to ask your partner for these things.

Because it's when we start to talk about what it is that we want more of,

that we start to get there. We start to develop the clear communication and the habits. And the door begins to open to that becoming a reality.

It's scary to be the first person to take the initiative.

Because you really honestly don't know how the person's going to react.

I hope your partner reacts in a positive way.

But it is vulnerable taking that first step. It is vulnerable saying, Hey, we've been feeling disconnected

and I need us to work on some things. I want more connection. I want more sex. I want for our relationship to include more of this.

And your partner is allowed to have [00:21:00] their feelings around things. And if they're struggling and they're like, Hey, I hear you, but I'm not there yet. Or I have these things that are causing me stress. Then sit down and have a deeper conversation about where you're both at,

and those conversations aren't always the easiest.

One of the things that I saw on probably Instagram reels was this partnership where in order to ensure that they have more time together, They've got kids. So what they do is they switch off nights. One night a partner takes the kids to bed, while the other partner cleans up the kitchen, the toys, the books.

whatever other chores are on the list, laundry, etc. And then the next night they switch. That way both are getting connections with their kids, and then the [00:22:00] household duties aren't straddled on somebody's shoulders. So then, Once it's all done, they find time to connect, and they get to have those conversations, and they get to have intimacy.

And if one person finishes their duties early, they go and help the other partner. And even if you're in a partnership where you don't have children, maybe you both make it a task where You log off of work at nine o'clock and you spend nine to ten o'clock connecting. Or maybe you split up the household duties and, whoever cooked dinner, the other person does the dishes, and while that person's doing the dishes, the person who's free goes and closes all the blinds or takes laundry out of the dryer, whatever needs to be done.

So that one person isn't doing all the work and then It's midnight and then the next thing you know the other partner's already asleep and you've missed that window of [00:23:00] connection.

So there are these things that we can have conversations with our partners about saying, Hey, I need you to do this. And the reason I need you to do this is because it'll free up time for me to be able to sit down and have connection with you. Because at the end of the day, None of us like to do chores, or bills, or take care of the children.

And I mean that with the utmost respect children are a godsend. I am choosing not to have children, but they require a lot. My parents were saints. My mom did daycare. Don't know how she did it. I have two other siblings. My parents raised three kids. We're a lot. Even to this day, me and my siblings are in our 30s, and we still require a lot from our parents.

Child rearing is not easy. Neither are chores, neither are paying the [00:24:00] bills, neither are making sure that the house is stocked with groceries and any other household goods that you need. Being an adult is hard. And then you add a relationship to that. Makes it even harder! Because you have your needs, Your partner has their needs, and it just becomes this whole thing of everybody has needs, what is priority?

So when we can share the duties of the house. When you can share the burdens that come with life with each other, split the household tasks, whatever it is, then it frees up time for connection.

I'm willing to bet that when a lot of you say, I want more sex, it's not just about the sex. Sex is fucking great. The way that your body feels while you're in sex, Like the middle of having sex, it's just such, it relaxes you and it feels good and [00:25:00] there's just nothing like it. But I'm willing to bet when you say you want more sex, what you're really saying is you want more connection.

And connecting with sex is 10 out of 10.

But there are other ways to connect than just with your physical bodies. And when we're missing that connection, it's so easy to just be like, I want more sex. I need you to have sex with me. Because yes, sex is important in a relationship from my perspective. I

mean, let's talk about it. Two of the highest reasons for divorce are sex and money.

I wish you could see my face right now. That's why this podcast is called sex and money. We have to talk about these things. We have to recognize that these things are important to our relationships. To our partnerships,

and one of the biggest things about [00:26:00] sex is that connection.

It's connecting your bodies, it's connecting your souls, and the love you have for each other.

Sex can also just be the physical act. Sex is sex. Sex is great. I've shared that I've been in partnerships where it's literally just been about sex. We had a friendship. And we loved each other to a certain extent, but it wasn't a romantic relationship, and that's okay, but there was still a connection.

We were still connecting with each other, and we had trust and vulnerability between each other.

So what is it that you want in your sex life right now? What is it that you might be feeling is missing? Or disconnected. And maybe, like I said earlier, maybe things are great. And you know what, if things are great, go to your partner and say, I am so in [00:27:00] love with our sex life right now.

I am so in love with how we are connecting. Tell them that.

Let them know how you're feeling, both good and bad. I think about, I'm gonna make it very unsexy right now. I follow this woman on Instagram and her name is Sharon McMahon. Her Instagram handle is Sharon says so, and she, when it comes to our senators and our house of representatives, she tells us all the time, don't just message.

them and say, why are you doing this? You need to fix this. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Message them and tell them thank you for voting this way. Thank you for doing a great job. Thank you for backing this, supporting this, pushing this bill out. Because they need to hear that they're doing good as well.

Because it [00:28:00] lets them know that their constituents see what they're doing and that they're doing the right thing and that they actually are. Doing their job and that is serving the people.

I could go down a rabbit hole But i'm not going to go down a political rabbit hole, but she says all the time Don't just tell people when they're doing things bad Tell people when they're doing things good

and I feel like maybe as a society We get stuck in this rut of like you're not treating me, right? You're not giving me what I need and I need to take my own fucking advice

We need to tell our partners that things are good

because when we tell them that things are good

It takes a little bit of stress off of them, but it also lets them know Okay, I'm making my partner happy. They still love me. They're still here with me It takes away any insecurities they might be [00:29:00] having

because maybe All's they've been hearing from you is you're missing the ball here, you're flopping over here, and they might be sitting here thinking, the worst,

when is the relationship going to end? Or, am I doing this right?

Because it is scary. It is scary being vulnerable. It is scary. knowing that we're missing the mark and not sure if our partner still loves us. So when things are going well, tell your partner, say, Hey, I know life has been busy and I totally 100 percent understand that this is something that is happening that's out of our control.

But I want you to know that I still appreciate how you show up here. I still appreciate the way that we're connecting. I still appreciate that we're in this together, that we're a team.

Because life is going to happen and you can't [00:30:00] control life. I know we want to, trust me, I'm a control freak, but we can't control what happens in our external environments. What we can control is what's happening in our internal environments. And one of our internal pieces is our partnership. And so if things are going exactly how you need them to be going right now, tell your partner and then ask your partner, how are you feeling about this?

Is there any way that I can step up to the plate more? Or if you're feeling satisfied, great, but let's continue to check in with each other. Because this relationship, it's important to me. And if at any point, there's a disconnect between us, let's talk about it. So that disconnection doesn't grow and it doesn't become months or years since we've physically connected.

Because I know that sex is important to both of us.

If you want more sex, there is a way to get [00:31:00] it. And this is a very

high level viewpoint of all of this. Obviously, life is a lot more intricate and deeper and detailed than what we've just talked about, but what it really comes down to, and I know this is constantly hammered into us, is communication, talking. Vulnerability and finding the time to have that connection with your partner because when we begin to just ignore the issue.

When we begin to say, I'll take care of it later, I'll fix it later, I expect my partner to be the one that does it. He has to be a mind reader. She has to just figure it out. They have to recognize by my being cold shouldered that I'm pissed off. I'm human, I do that shit. And then I fucking have to like, breathe and [00:32:00] take my ego away and be like, No, just tell your partner what you're feeling.

Because it's so easy to just be like, I have a problem, but they need to figure it out. I'm not going to tell them what I want. It's so fucking easy to do that, because we don't want to be vulnerable. Wherever You are feeling between satisfaction and dissatisfaction on that scale with your sex life, wherever you are.

I encourage you to talk to your partner. And as I said, talking is just the first step. There are so many different steps. Layers and levels to life. And so it might not just be an easy, Hey, let's hop into bed tonight and make out like we're high schoolers. It's not always going to be that easy.

There could be other things happening.

But taking that first step to talking, to telling your partner, [00:33:00] Hey, I love where we're at. I feel satisfied. I like that we have sex once a week. I feel connected to you in all these other areas. Letting them know that and just having that open communication when things are good is also going to help having that open communication when things are bad.

And it's the one things are bad part that's the hardest I think. But we can't forget to share our feelings in the good either.

So start those conversations. Start asking for what it is that you need, but in a nice way, don't go to your partner and be like, I fucking need you to do this shit. Be nice to them, build that trust, build that stability, build that foundation so that you can work through all the different things.

I hope that the rest of your week goes amazingly well. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, even if you're going through a hard time, I hope that you Remind yourself that life [00:34:00] is good. And again, I know it's hard to say, but that was one of my mom's favorite quotes. I got it tattooed on my arm.

My partner gave me a gift with it on it. Life is good. Enjoy the rest of your week. I love you all. Bye.