EPISODE 25: Exploring Gender Identity, Sexuality, and Self-Expression

SUBSCRIBE WHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS
↓

APPLE PODCASTS // SPOTIFY // AMAZON MUSIC // OVERCAST // CASTRO // GOODPODS

THE LOWDOWN

In this episode, we discuss the nuances of gender identity, biological sex, sexual orientation, and gender expression. This is your invitation to explore without judgement.

Tune it for guidance for those exploring your sexuality, and diving into the importance of self-acceptance and understanding. The episode also covers practical advice for supporting friends and family members who are navigating their identities, and concludes with a call for inclusivity and respect for individual journeys.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, welcome to today's episode. I hope life is treating you well. I know right now, a bunch of us are finishing up school, having children that are finishing up school for the summer, or really taking advantage of the warm weather that we are starting to see across the United States and planning trips to go see family, friends, hang out with loved ones, or just explore.

[00:00:31] And this past weekend I took a three day trip to Temecula, California. I went with my partner. It was great. It was beautiful. We got to spend some quality time together. We stayed at an adult only hotel, which was so relaxing and quiet and just completely change of scenery for me because I don't know if you've known, but I [00:01:00] have an upstairs neighbor who has a child who Moved in around February, and the child, 24 hours a day, is non stop running around and screaming or blasting the TV, making a bunch of noise.

[00:01:15] So it was really nice to get that break and stay at a place that no children were allowed. we enjoyed the pool, the hot tub, and didn't have to deal with any extra noise from kids running around and stuff. I also got to celebrate my sister, my college roommate, , graduating residency. She is going to be starting her medical career.

[00:01:43] Obviously she's been in residency and stuff, but she got a job as a doctor and all that kind of stuff. So I'm super, super excited for her. She's been working hard and deserves the best. All of the celebration coming her way.

[00:01:59] I [00:02:00] know with summer Usually comes like the trend of hot girl summer. I that's the first thing that came to mind And a lot of that is about just like having fun this summer letting go letting loose and for a lot of women it's about maybe you Just got out of a relationship or you're starting to want to Explore sex more, or whatever the case may be.

[00:02:27] You're just like, I'm gonna go out there, and I'm gonna enjoy the summer, I look hot, wearing a bathing suit every single day, getting tan, spending time in the sun, meeting hot men, meeting hot women, whatever the case may be. And there's a lot of exploration. in a lot of different realms that happen during the summer.

[00:02:49] Most people take the vacation from work. Most people head to a tropical island, or Europe, or Asia anywhere else in the [00:03:00] world to explore. And to, see something different and experience something different. And, going along with that, I wanted to talk today about exploring your sexuality. I know exploring your sexuality is completely different than exploring the globe, traveling, hanging out with family and friends It's not quite PG or PG 13 as those experiences, but it is something that is fun and enticing and allows for us as individuals to truly get to know ourselves.

[00:03:42] And I would say that is something that is in common with going out and traveling. You get to learn more about yourselves. And maybe you're sitting here. And you're thinking, I truly don't know what [00:04:00] labels I would consider myself when it comes to my sexuality. Or maybe You know that a label doesn't fit you and so you're like I want to try on Something different.

[00:04:14] I want to Step out and Share with my friends and family. Hey, this is who I am. I'm not actually What I've been considered for the past 15 20 30 years and All of that

[00:04:32] can be confusing and confusing It can be fun, it can be nerve wracking, it can be scary, it can be so many different emotions mixed into one. So today, I want to go over some basics of understanding your own sexuality, or maybe you have had a friend or a family member or confidant come to you recently.

[00:04:59] and confide in [00:05:00] you something about themselves and their sexuality that you may not understand. And so diving in to these different topics might give you some insight into yourself or into other people in your life.

[00:05:18] At the basic level, the foundation from day one of birth, you are assigned your biological sex. Now this is The sex, or the gender, that refers to the objectively measurable organs, hormones, and chromosomes. This could be, you are assigned female at birth, which means you have a vagina, ovaries, and an XX chromosome.

[00:05:49] Maybe you're assigned male at birth, and this is, you have a penis, testes, and an XY chromosome, or perhaps you're intersex, [00:06:00] which is a combination of the two. Now this is something that, as people are exploring their sexuality early on, they're going to most commonly be referred to by their biological sex.

[00:06:15] We see this in gender reveal parties. We see this in the early stages of childhood development from child rearing and it can create confusion in people who don't identify with their biological sex, but it is also the most common and important part of childhood. In a way, neutral trait that medical people and generally the entire world population will use to identify humans.

[00:06:55] Obviously, from a medical perspective, the biological sex of a human [00:07:00] will determine the tests that you run, the screenings that you do. and the levels within their blood work that determine normal range or out of range. And then from a societal standpoint, I mentioned gender reveal parties. We see that people use gender reveal parties as a way of celebrating these days.

[00:07:29] Gone are the days of simply having a baby shower as you get close to your period. What happens now is people announce that they're pregnant, and then they have a party, usually between the pregnancy announcement and the time of giving birth, or the baby shower, called a gender reveal. And this is, to most people, an exciting time to figure out if they're having a daughter or a son.

[00:07:58] If you ask a lot [00:08:00] of The younger generation, these have gone out of control, they've caused deaths, natural disasters, all sorts of things but the other thing about them is that they create that binary. That we are seeing the younger generation trying to stray away from. And the binary I'm talking about is male on one end, female on the other end.

[00:08:25] And you can't really be anything in between. It's either black or white. Obviously gender reveal. is based off of chromosomes because most of them are done by blood tests these days. And so people are saying, hey, I'm having a girl or hey, I'm having a boy. Let's celebrate that. Let's prep the nursery off of this.

[00:08:47] Let's buy clothes based off of this and toys. And then when the child is born, they're given a name that is predominantly related to their biological sex. So there's a lot of [00:09:00] Simplicity put into your biological sex.

[00:09:04] Biological sex then brings us into gender identity. Gender identity is how you, in your head, think about yourself. Maybe your gender identity matches your biological sex. Which in that case, if you consider yourself female, and you were born as a female, then you would be cisgendered. Which means you identify with the sex you were given at birth.

[00:09:34] Perhaps you don't agree with that. Perhaps you don't identify as a female. Or as a male, given your biological sex at birth.

[00:09:47] You get to choose how you identify. And I think this is one of the first things that, as you start to grow up, and you hear society [00:10:00] calling you, Girl or boy or giving you certain clothes to wear or giving you toys to wear. You might start to question and think to yourself. I don't like this stuff. I don't identify as a girl or I don't identify as a boy.

[00:10:18] And again, we're talking about the binary here. That is all based off of biological sex.

[00:10:25] And so internally, you might be battling that. And this can go into late adulthood, where you just haven't been able to voice how you truly feel. I always also like to say that sexuality is fluid. I say this for many reasons. Some of it is because what we enjoy sexually ebbs and flows as our bodies change, as we age, as we're introduced to new partners.

[00:10:56] But the other part of that is we're [00:11:00] consistently receiving information about ourselves day in and day out. And so what you identified as a child, as a teenager, as a college aged student, might be different than what you identify as you get older. Maybe you've always had an inkling in the back of your mind that, hey, I don't necessarily resonate with my biological sex, but I'm not sure what that means.

[00:11:29] Then as you get older and you gain more clarity on yourself, you gain more information and knowledge from the people you hang out with, you might realize, hey, I've been identifying as a female my entire life, but I actually feel more like I'm a man. And so I'm going to change my gender identity to be a man, or maybe You might not exactly identify with either, and so maybe you [00:12:00] consider yourself genderqueer And this is, genderqueer is usually when you reject the notion of the binary.

[00:12:07] So you reject male or female, man or woman. And you might not identify as either of those, or maybe you identify as both. And maybe you just, some days you feel like a woman, and then the next day you feel like a man. And so you consider yourself more genderqueer. Or maybe you're genderfluid. There are so many different.

[00:12:33] bits and pieces to our identity that may or may not change as we grow older and experience different things in life. So at the core foundation of who you are, you have your biological sex. And then the next part of you is what you truly identify as. Maybe you identify as a cisgender woman. Maybe you identify as genderqueer.

[00:12:58] Maybe you identify as [00:13:00] a transgender man. You're going to have different identities, or maybe you don't, but either way, your gender identity is what you feel at the core of who you are, regardless of your birth sex.

[00:13:17] Some other terms you might come across relating to gender identity might be non binary, again, stepping away from the black and white the, male versus female, woman versus man, binary, two sides of one coin, making sure that you pick one or the other, you're stepping away from that. And so you might call yourself non binary, or you might have a friend who is non binary.

[00:13:44] I believe the short term is NB for people who identify as non binary. I mentioned genderqueer, you might have agender, which is somebody who doesn't identify with any gender, doesn't believe they have a gender. [00:14:00] A, another term is gender neutral, and you just, you're just like, I exist as a human. I'm neither male or female, and I'm just neutral about it one thing I would love to share really quick, during my studies, this point came up, that I think is very important. If you happen to be transgender, and you are seeking medical advice, or help, or you are trying to find a medical practitioner to be your general doctor, make sure that they are well versed in transgender studies, biometrics, all that kind of stuff.

[00:14:53] Because one of the key things that medical personnel need to be aware of [00:15:00] is, the different tests to run. You might be biologically a male at birth and you might be put on estrogen to transition to female. And so the blood tests are obviously going to return different parameters for different things. And so you need to have different types of tests ran and different parameters used. Maybe you are transitioning from female to male and you haven't had top or bottom surgery yet, and so you're going to need to have different types of cancer screenings versus what a male would need.

[00:15:45] You're going to have breast cancer screening, which I know also men need to have because Breast tissue exists in both male and females, but you also need cervical cancer screenings and pap smears and all [00:16:00] that kind of stuff. But you want a doctor who's going to be sensitive to your needs and be communicative towards your identity.

[00:16:12] Because at the end of the day, you identify as a male, but you are getting screenings as a biological sex female for certain medical aspects. So finding somebody that you trust, finding somebody who is well versed in the medical needs of a transgender person is very important and I just want to stress that because I want you to be safe and I want you to find the help that you need and the,

[00:16:46] and given the care that you truly need. and properly need as somebody who is transitioning. So that's gender identity. From gender identity we have gender expression. [00:17:00] Now this is how you tell the world who you are. This can be through the way that you act, the way that you dress, You behave, you interact.

[00:17:13] This is telling people your pronouns. Are you a she, her, they, them, he, him, she, they, he, them? What are your pronouns? This is also in the way that you dress. Maybe you dress from a generalized female perspective, from a societal perspective. Maybe you dress more masculine. Or maybe you're androgynous. And androgynous means you're dressing in a way that could either be male or female.

[00:17:47] It doesn't really have a gender. We're seeing this a lot more in clothing expressions, which I think is great. I love, love, love seeing people's styles [00:18:00] represented in their clothing. We all know. That fashion is a big way to express yourself. And this not only is from like a gender perspective, this is from I like bright and bold colors and to wear patterns because I'm loud and bold and confident.

[00:18:20] Or maybe you're more on the shy side and so you wear more muted colors, darker colors, things that like, don't make you noticeable, don't make you stand out in a crowd. And so obviously, fashion is a huge part of our day to day expression. And so, if you are exploring trying out a different identity, Or, trying to feel more comfortable in your own skin.

[00:18:51] Your expression, your fashion, the way that you show up in the world is going to be one of the [00:19:00] most fun and probably the most scary part of revealing your true self. I know as time goes on, our expressions of our clothing styles change. Right now I'm in this going to the gym all the time era and wearing leggings, but I'm also starting to brought in my fashion sense.

[00:19:24] I've never really been a big fashion person but I personally am like, I want to get more into that. My partner dresses really well. I see my friends dressing like really well. There's people on Instagram that I follow that I'm like, oh, I want to wear that. I want to style that way. And so that's me finding ways to express myself differently.

[00:19:49] but also to stay true to who I am. Like, I want it to be comfy, I don't want it to be stuffy. And so when you're exploring how [00:20:00] to express your gender, how to express your identity, this can be one of the biggest, areas that you can do it in. Maybe you start subtly by wearing a little bit of mascara or a red lipstick.

[00:20:15] Maybe you try wearing different types of underwear underneath your clothing to see how it feels against your skin. I am a huge proponent for wearing underwear that In college, I had friends who would go on missions trips. And they were like, I have to wear long skirts, long sleeve some places I had to wear head coverings.

[00:20:44] And I always bought them, I worked at Victoria's Secret at the time so this would totally make sense, I always bought them a cute pair of underwear that would be something that they could wear underneath their [00:21:00] clothes that was hidden to the rest of the people they were hanging out with, but still allowed them to feel and identify with themselves.

[00:21:08] They could feel it against their skin. They could, when they're putting it on, see how it looks on their body. It was just something that could make them feel good and sexy and themselves when they weren't able to fully express who they were. where they were at. And so maybe that's where you are at in life.

[00:21:29] Maybe you're like, I am still trying out this different identity. I'm not sure how I want to express it, but I want to express it to myself a little bit. I'm not ready for the world to see me yet. So of the easiest ways to do that is through your underwear, through your undergarment.

[00:21:47] And obviously with online shopping, we can even be more discreet. We don't have to go into a store We don't have to embarrass ourselves if it is embarrassing. There are so many opportunities out [00:22:00] there to make yourself feel good, but still be discreet about it. And then as you become more and more comfortable in your own skin, maybe you share with a partner that you like to wear this kind of underwear, or this kind of shoe, or maybe you've been wearing stockings. I know there's a man, I don't know his name, I've seen him around TikTok and Instagram, but there's a man, I think he's in Europe maybe, I'm not sure to be honest, but he wears skirts and heels all day every day to work. He is heterosexual and cisgendered, but he expresses himself through wearing skirts and heels.

[00:22:45] Cause he's most comfortable in those. So again, our clothing doesn't necessarily need to express from a societal binary standpoint, the different identity [00:23:00] than what we currently are, but we get to express how we feel and who we are as people through our outward appearance.

[00:23:10] Maybe you want to start to wear heels. Maybe you want to change the way you walk. Maybe you want to grow out your armpit hair or grow in a mustache. Maybe you want to get top or bottom surgery. There are so many different things that can change the outward expression of who we are. And again, you can start small and then go big.

[00:23:36] Or maybe you were like someone who's I'm ready. I'm ready to go all in. I'm ready to let people know who I truly am. And if that's who you are, great applause to you, but also applause to the people who are just ready to express themselves. And again, your expression doesn't necessarily have to be gender based.

[00:23:58] It's just figuring out who your [00:24:00] identity is. And you don't have to completely change things overnight and be like, I'm going to start wearing dresses and then throw away your entire wardrobe and only buy dresses. And then you're like, fuck, I went in way too deep, way too fast. And I'm not sure how to back away from this because wearing a dress Took a lot of courage and I need to put pants back on today or whatever the instance might be

[00:24:30] sometimes Changing an entire fun and we all I'm sure have those dreams of getting a credit card from somebody and being like we're going on an unlimited shopping spree and then Buying all new clothes, all new wardrobe. And then later we're like, shit, I did way too much. Like I remember when I graduated college and I got my first job and it was like a business setting.

[00:24:55] And I was like, okay, I need a business wardrobe. And so I went and I dropped two [00:25:00] grand on a business wardrobe. Did I wear them? Yes. Did I need it? No. Because it was actually a very casual office. And I dropped two grand on a credit card. For a whole new wardrobe that I didn't even need because I thought I needed it.

[00:25:18] And so maybe you're exploring What you want to express yourself at as, and you're like, I'm going to go buy a whole new wardrobe. And then you're like, crap, this actually isn't comfortable. Or, like I said, you went in way too fast and now you're trying to pull back and toe the line. Just slowly add pieces to your garments or slowly Begin to add a skirt here and there, or a shirt here and there, or a piece of jewelry across your neck, or on your fingers, or whatever.

[00:25:51] Have fun with it.

[00:25:52] The fourth part of our sexuality is your sexual [00:26:00] orientation. This is who you are physically, spiritually, and emotionally attracted to, based on. their sex or gender in relation to your own. If I'm willing to bet, this is probably the most common part of conversations. I know that I

[00:26:21] question a lot sometimes when people are like, oh my partner, and I'm like, is it male or female? And of course that question is in my head. I don't outright ask them. I wait to see what pronouns they use for their partner. Or if a friend is single and they're like, I want to start dating and you're like, what?

[00:26:45] Okay, who do you like? And you're waiting for them to give you examples of who they like and maybe they're coming out for the first time and they're like, hey, I know I've been predominantly [00:27:00] dating males, but I into females as well. So I want to start dating females or maybe they're bisexual, but We are, as humans, are naturally inclined to be in relationship, and from a societal perspective, heterosexuality is considered the norm, and I'm sure but heterosexuality is a person liking someone of the opposite sex, so a female male.

[00:27:31] Thank you. Liking a male liking a female, if you're looking at it from a binary perspective. And then homosexuality, which is on the other side of that binary is somebody liking somebody of the same sex. So a female liking a female, a male liking a male. Those two tend to be the binary perspective.

[00:27:53] And obviously, there are so many other [00:28:00] sexual orientations out there. I'm going to go through a few in a second. But I just want to say that sexual orientation is one of those things where we're all curious about it. We're all wondering, is that person straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, two spirited?

[00:28:22] We all wonder it. And a lot of us probably make assumptions based on the other three categories that we talked about. Biological sex, gender identity, and gender expression. And I know questions are always arising because we're curious human beings and we just want to know the answer. But one thing we want to be

[00:28:48] cognizant of is Those answers are not necessarily something that we need to know or should be privy [00:29:00] to. We have to respect the boundaries of another person. They may not want to share the identity of a partner. And they may not want to share that out of respect for their partner, safety for their partner.

[00:29:16] or even safety and respect for themselves.

[00:29:19] For instance, you might have a friend who has shared with you that they are bisexual, but they haven't shared it with their family. And they have confided in you that they are dating somebody of the same sex, but they can't tell their family that. And so if you go out and you're like, oh yeah, so and so's partner, is doing like a comedy night.

[00:29:43] I'm so excited to go check it out. And somebody goes, Oh, who is their partner? You might want to just take a pause and not share partner identification because they might not be ready for the rest of the world to know.

[00:29:59] It's just something to [00:30:00] be cognizant of because That in a way can out somebody who's not ready to be out. And also at the end of the day, who somebody chooses to sleep with or be in relationship with, unless it's causing harm really is not our business. We get to show up for our friends, for our family members, our co workers, our loved ones, and be in support of them.

[00:30:29] But we don't get to dictate or manage how their lives are spoken about. So

[00:30:35] We don't have the privilege to speak on somebody else's relationship. And I know that's something that I'm working on. I've started recently using the word partner just in general. And then I may use pronouns. if I know what their pronouns are. But I also like to use the generalized term partner for various reasons, not just to be more inclusive, [00:31:00] but also like I've been in situations before where they're a partner, they're a sexual partner, but they're not like a romantic partner.

[00:31:09] And so partner can be even broader. It can, it's a generalized term to just explain another human in your life. in some way, shape, or form that is more than a friend or more than a family member. So somebody who's of significance to you, this is my way of explaining partnership. I'm going off track here a little bit.

[00:31:32] I would encourage you guys to start to use inclusive vocabulary, partner, partners because it allows for people to be able to express different relationships that they're in without necessarily giving out identity markers that could put somebody at risk of their safety and of their respect. Long [00:32:00] rant over in that part.

[00:32:01] And of course, It could lead to questions, especially if somebody doesn't understand why you use the term partner. I was there before. I remember going on a camping trip with some people, and one of the women on the camping trip was, kept saying my partner, but she never said her partner's name, and she never said her partner's pronouns.

[00:32:23] And so I was like, is her partner a guy or a girl? And I was curious and I was like, I'm not going to ask her this, but. What gender is her partner? Because I need to know how to refer to them. And then I realized, actually, I know exactly how to refer to them. I refer to them as her partner, and I use generalized terms like they and them when speaking about them, because I don't know them directly.

[00:32:52] I have not been brought in to the inner circle. To really, truly know who they are. [00:33:00] That being from, I had just met this person I was camping with and also I haven't met their partner. So to me, their relationship doesn't impact me in any way, shape or form. It's not causing me harm. It's not causing anybody else harm.

[00:33:14] So I need to give zero fucks about who their partner is. And that's like the mindset I've been leading the rest of my life. Since that moment and why I use partner and why I use like they them a lot unless I've been told by the person that they're comfortable with me using their pronoun and pronouns really are like a flowing thing because I know some people who they're like my pronoun is my name my pronoun is This because they don't care about the they them or she her he him part.

[00:33:54] So as you begin to include more gender [00:34:00] neutral and identity neutral and inclusive terms into your vocabulary, it's going to become easier to use. And not just that, but it's going to normalize the use of that. And The need to not know all the details. Because I'm a curious person, I'm always like, I want to know, but I also don't need to know.

[00:34:26] That's my opinion on inclusive terms and pronouns. And that brings me back to partnerships, sexual orientations. Because people in our lives are in relationship with one another. And our sexual orientations are important. Because it's who we're attracted to, and who we're attracted to is a big part of our lives.

[00:34:55] Especially when majority of us are seeking long [00:35:00] term marriages and partnerships and family building and all that kind of stuff as we head into adulthood.

[00:35:07] Okay for sexual orientations, a lot of us have heard of the LGBTQ2S plus vocabulary term, and obviously what that stands for is, L is for lesbian, LGBTQ. G is for gay. B is for bisexual. T is for transgender. LGBTQ. Q is for queer. 2S is two spirited. Two spirited is from Native American. We'll get the,

[00:35:42] it's a part of the Native American culture. Two-spirit describes a Native American or indigenous identifying individual who is neither woman or man, but a transcendent transcendence of the two. This is more like experience of like fluidity. So [00:36:00] that's that part of the LGBTQ two S boss acronym.

[00:36:05] That's probably the wrong word, but either way. Going into sexual orientation, lesbian is a woman who is attracted to another woman, female attracted to another female, gay is generally referred to as a male person who's identified as male, like in another male, sometimes We, it's straight a little bit over the past few years, but originally gay was also just referred to as somebody who's not straight.

[00:36:39] But now, as we've, more terms have been coined, gay refers to a male liking a male. Bisexual is somebody who most commonly likes two genders, two other genders. So you might be a woman who likes both a woman and a male, a man. [00:37:00] You might be a man who likes somebody who is two spirited and pansexual. It's just liking two other genders.

[00:37:07] Queer is Really not following the binary. You don't necessarily like male or female, man or woman. You're just like, I like people. Pansexual means that you like all. So you really don't care about the gender identity of the person that you're dating. You just like them for who they are.

[00:37:28] Asexual, you don't really have an attraction sexually to somebody else. Maybe you have a small sexual attraction, but it's not anything like big, it's not driving desire to be with them. Demisexual is somebody who, only likes another person after forming a strong emotional connection with the person.

[00:37:49] And then heteromantic is somebody who

[00:37:53] typically is romantically attracted to somebody of the opposite sex, but [00:38:00] not necessarily sexually. So there are a lot of other different sexual orientations out there. It's a spectrum and we obviously all experience different types of attraction. I don't know if you've heard of the Kinsey scale.

[00:38:19] This is something coined by Professor Kinsey, oh gosh, early 1900s, I think it was. Anyways, the Kinsey scale is like a zero to five scale, I believe it is. And zero means you are very heterosexual, only attracted to somebody of the opposite sex. And then a five is, you are very homosexual attracted to somebody of the same sex.

[00:38:44] And I remember back in My sister's college days, her friend made a comment about, I don't think anybody would ever really be a zero on the Kinsey scale. And my sister was like, Oh no, [00:39:00] my sister, meaning me, would be a zero on the Kinsey scale. I am very attracted to men and being with a woman

[00:39:09] I'm not turned on by women. I'm not honestly, boobs scare me. I say that all the time. I know I have boobs myself, but if I were to have sex with a woman, I'd be like, I have no idea what to do with your boobs. It just scares me. And for my sister, she was like, no, Jessica would be a zero on the Kinsey scale.

[00:39:25] And so maybe, if you're somebody who's trying to figure out what you identify as, or what your sexual orientation is, or what you enjoy when it comes to sex from a partner, meaning like the physical person not the act of sex. Check out the Kinsey scale, see where you land on there. And of course it's a zero to five scale.

[00:39:47] And so you might be like a one or two or three. And that's totally fine. I think one of the biggest things that we learn all the time is using bisexual as an example. We often hear from [00:40:00] women who are like, I'm bisexual. And their friends or their family are like, but you've only ever been with a man, so how can you be sure that you're attracted to women?

[00:40:08] And it's you can be attracted to somebody but not actually have ever dated or slept with or been with a person of the same or the opposite sex. Attraction doesn't mean you've experienced partnership, relationship with that sex, that gender identity. And, that is something that's key, because you might be sitting here, and you might be questioning your identity, or questioning your sexual orientation, and you might be sitting here being like, I've never explored this, so I need to go out and explore it, to know for sure who I am.

[00:40:45] And if you want to explore it, go for it. I'm never opposed to exploring. Obviously, being safe about that exploration. But you don't have to have explored it or experienced it [00:41:00] to know that about yourself. You might sit here and say, sometimes I feel like I'm a man in a woman's body, or sometimes I want to dress in an androgynous way.

[00:41:16] Because I don't really want to express myself as a male or express myself as a female. And it's okay, that's cool. Do it. Or just baby explore it, and when I say baby explore it, I go back to my underwear example of wear undergarments that make you feel good in your body, and good about who you are. Or like sexual orientation, maybe you're like, I think I'm attracted to women. And, I don't know what that says about me. Do I need to go and kiss a woman to know if I am? Like, no. There was a part of me for a little bit there, who, I was attracted to this woman. I was like, I am attracted to her.

[00:41:57] And I don't know why. It's not a sexual [00:42:00] attraction. But I'm like, I kinda, and then I realized what it was. It was her presence. She had a very masculine energy to her, and I was attracted to that masculine energy coming from her. And maybe this changes my number on the Kinsey scale. Who knows? I haven't looked at it lately, but it's just one of those things where it's like, you can sit there and you can say, Oh, am I bisexual?

[00:42:27] Am I attracted to women? But here's the thing is like I was attracted to this person and I was like, okay, I'm going to go to a sex party and it's going to be all women there. I had fun at the sex party up until the making out and the sex started happening. And then I was like, whoa, I'm actually not attracted to any of the women in this way.

[00:42:49] I liked the energy. I liked like the camaraderie of women being together and like the safety of exploring like sex toys [00:43:00] and bondage and stuff through the safety of other females, but I wasn't sexually attracted to them. And so I was like, hey guys, I'm about, because I knew that when it got to that point in the party, I, there was no turn on for me. And I know that I am heterosexual, I know that I am straight, and that I'm into bondage, because I explored that side, again, in the safe confines of a female only party, but I didn't feel comfortable crossing into that side at all. sexual experiences with women because that wasn't what I was attracted to and still isn't what I'm attracted to and that's okay and that's the beauty of exploring your sexuality.

[00:43:50] It's like you get to decide when you are comfortable and then when you get to that line of uncomfortability You get to say, okay, I'm [00:44:00] done. I have learned something about myself in this experience I learned that I was attracted to the masculine energy coming from that person I wasn't attracted to the person themselves.

[00:44:12] It was their energy and so it confirmed in me That I was not attracted to women, and the sex party helped with that. But also realizing what was it that I was attracted to in this person. It was her energy. And these are the things and the questions that we get to ask ourselves while we're exploring who we are.

[00:44:37] From a sexual and a gender identity perspective. There's a lot more. That can go into this conversation. Sex is like a very broad topic. And obviously, your biological sex, your gender identity, your gender expression, and your sexual orientation

[00:44:58] are huge. [00:45:00] Like they're a big core part of us. And again, I still stand by grounding that for a lot of us, this is going to change as time goes on. As I started to study sexuality more, and become a sex coach, my mind opened to different things. And now I'm like, oh, I want to explore this in the bedroom with my partner.

[00:45:22] I want to, like Shabari, I became introduced to Shabari, and I was like, oh, I want to try that. I went to a sex party, and it like, opened my eyes to more PDSM and kink and but then it also made me aware of boundaries that I need to have because I'm actually not Comfortable with certain things at sex parties, so it's like I'm not against sex parties I'm just like certain parties are not for me and that's okay. Exploring and becoming comfortable in who you are isn't like an end zone throwing football out there for some reason. [00:46:00] You're not going to catch the ball, run into the end zone for a touchdown, and then you're not going to be like, I scored the seven points! It's six points actually. I scored the six points and I know who I am.

[00:46:10] No. It's an always revolving door because Things are coming and going and we're changing. So don't get angry with yourself if you're looking back at you at five years old and being like, Oh, that makes sense. Why did I not see it then? Or if you're sitting here at 45 years old, married with three children and being like, This is not the life that I want, or this is not the life that I envision for myself anymore, because I'm actually not attracted to my partner, or I feel like I'm no longer a man.

[00:46:49] I I feel like I'm a woman, and I want to transition. And now this opens up a whole other realm of things because you have to tell your partner this, you have [00:47:00] to tell your family this, you have to figure out what life looks like. It's never going to be Using the term binary, it's never going to be black and white.

[00:47:10] For some of us, yeah I came out of the womb as a female. I identify as a female, so I am cisgendered. But maybe 30 years down the road, that might change for me. I don't know. And so I'm not going to beat myself up if 30 years down the road, I'm like, oh. I might actually identify as a man, because I'm not, why would I beat myself up right now, this is who I am and maybe it's a comfortability thing maybe it's a safety thing, who knows, whatever your reasoning is.

[00:47:43] Or maybe it's just that you've changed, and that is A OK. Nobody ever said that from the second you were born, you have to remain that person. You have to [00:48:00] identify as that person. Because if that was the case, we'd all be walking around with the mental capacity of a newborn. Our hobbies wouldn't change, our careers wouldn't change, our food preferences wouldn't change, our clothing styles wouldn't change.

[00:48:17] We would all just be on this like straight line trajectory and we wouldn't cross paths with new people and learn new things and be educated in different areas. And that's the beauty of gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation. Because .

[00:48:37] We have our baseline of biological sex. This is what you were born as. This is what society tells you you are based on your genitalia and your blood. And then we get to say, huh, cool. Does that resonate with me? If so, great. Keep going. [00:49:00] Change other aspects of your life as you find peace. You want to. And if you don't identify as who the medical field and society says you are, based on your genitalia, and based on your chromosomes and blood work, awesome.

[00:49:16] What do you want to be? Who do you want to be? And find that truth within yourself and be empowered by it. And again, start with baby steps. And then as you grow more confident in who you are becoming,

[00:49:31] Rotten your horizons, change different things, tell different people, become who you want to become. And then if you decide 10 years down the road that's a different person, change it again. And who gives a fuck what anybody else thinks? Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you feel comfortable with who you are [00:50:00] and that you're not harming anybody else.

[00:50:02] End. 99 percent of the time, you saying, I feel like a man, not a woman, isn't harmful. And if somebody says, you're harming my ideals, my morals, but cool, I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to do. Don't be in my life. It's gonna suck to lose you, but I don't need you. I don't need that negativity. And it's gonna suck, and you're gonna cry, more than likely.

[00:50:30] But at the end of the day, fuck em. Let them believe what they want to believe. Let them feel how they want to feel. Pay no mind to it. That's my rant at the end of this episode. I hope that this episode has helped. I hope that it has helped provide clarity on certain terms. I hope that it has helped provide clarity on the four different Identifying aspects of our biological sex and our gender and our sexual [00:51:00] orientation.

[00:51:00] And I hope that it has given you food for thought to determine how and who you show up as in the world. Have a great rest of your day. I love you. And I will talk to you on the next episode. Bye.