EPISODE 15: Dropping the Shame Around Sex

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THE LOWDOWN

In today's episode, we're delving into a heavy but important topic: shame when it comes to sex. Before we start, I want to give a trigger warning - we'll be discussing instances of sexual assault because shame often intersects with those experiences. If you need to skip those parts, I'll include timestamps in the show notes to make it easier for you.

And let me say this upfront: if you feel like you need to skip this episode altogether, that's totally okay. Shame, especially surrounding sex, is a lot to unpack, so please take care of yourself first and foremost.

Do you remember moments from your past where you felt shame surrounding sex? Maybe it was from experiences with partners, sex education from family, school, peers, or even church. For me, a couple of moments stand out vividly.

There was this one time with a partner where he casually, and embarrassingly, mentioned to his friend that I wasn't great at giving blowjobs. It was mortifying, and I felt so much shame in that moment. Another instance was during a church event where they essentially equated premarital sex with getting an STI, which left me feeling like I was somehow tainted.

These experiences stuck with me and affected my sexual journey, leading to moments of panic and insecurity even in my current, monogamous relationship. But I refuse to let shame dictate how I feel about myself or my sexuality. It's been a journey, but I've learned that open communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries are key.

Shame doesn't just come from our partners; it can also stem from societal, religious, or past experiences. I've seen how religious shame can deeply affect people's views on sex, leading to feelings of guilt and condemnation.

But here's the thing: we are not defined by our past or by societal norms. We are unique individuals, and it's okay to have different desires, boundaries, and experiences. What's important is that we approach sex with understanding, empathy, and a willingness to communicate openly.

So, if you ever find yourself caught in a shame spiral, remember to take a deep breath, ground yourself, and remind yourself that you are human. We're all works in progress, and it's okay to be gentle with ourselves as we navigate our sexual journeys.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TW/CW: Sexual Assualt 37:03-40:48

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hello, welcome to today's episode. We are going to dive into [00:01:00] talking about shame when it comes to sex. I want to give a quick trigger warning. There is mention of sexual assault on this episode because shame does exist. pertain to those instances. I will do my best to include in the show notes the exact time frames where we talk about that so that if you want to skip over those times you can.

[00:01:26] I also I just want to preface that if you want to skip this episode altogether, that is totally okay. Shame is a heavy topic to talk about, especially when it comes to sex, so I want you to be mindful about what you are able to handle, but this is definitely something important to talk about, which is why I'm going to spend some time on this topic.

[00:01:53] Back in Episode 2 of our Money Conversations, I [00:02:00] use this quote from Brene Brown, and I feel that it still has meaning here when it comes to sex. The quote says, Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

[00:02:20] I want you to think back through your sexual history, whether or not that comes from your physical acts of having sex with partners or maybe sex education from your family, from school, from peers, from church. Were there any moments where you were taught. Or you were made to feel shame surrounding your body, the physical act of sex, or anything else surrounding sex.

[00:02:58] I can think of a few instances [00:03:00] for myself. One instance was one of my first sexual partners. We had

[00:03:09] engaged in oral sex. And

[00:03:12] apparently I was not good at giving blowjobs right off the bat, which is understandable. I had never done it before, but there was one night. We were sitting down and we were cuddling on the couch. His friend was over, his friend was playing a video game, and he blurted out to his friend, Yeah, Jessica sucks at getting full jobs.

[00:03:41] Right there in front of me, while I was laying on the couch, in his arms. I was mortified. I felt shame. How could this person, who I was in a relationship with, tell his friend something? So intimate, but also so [00:04:00] negative. It's one thing if he were to do it in privacy, talking to his friend, maybe not the greatest thing to tell your friend.

[00:04:09] but with me right there, it felt like a blow. It felt like a punch to the stomach. And

[00:04:18] stupidly, later that night after his friend left, I gave him the best blowjob that he had because I was like, fuck this shit, like, I'm gonna totally prove him wrong because he's a fucking idiot for calling me out in front of his friend like that. Like, if you don't like how I'm going down on you, talk to me about it.

[00:04:37] So I was made to feel shame. Another time was on a church retreat. It wasn't really like a retreat. It was like an event night. My church took all of us youth group students who were in high school to this sex talk education thing. And the [00:05:00] entire talk was about how this couple

[00:05:04] had an STI. And it was the worst thing to happen to them. The woman in the relationship had premarital sex with a previous partner, got an STI, and then when she met her current partner, who they were married now at the time, but before they got married, she had divulged to him that she had an STI. And he had to make the decision as to whether or not to stay with her.

[00:05:32] And so the entire conversation, while the couple talked about how they were able to make it work, there was a shame aspect to it from making us feel as if we were to have premarital sex, we were automatically going to get an STI. For those of you who may not understand, STI is the same thing as a STD. Um, it's just [00:06:00] a different way of saying it medically.

[00:06:03] Now these two instances stand out in my mind as Moments that were impactful to my life, impactful to my sexual journey. Because I was made to feel shame in these moments, and that shame carried forward into my sexual interactions and experiences down the road. I freak out still to this day. about getting STIs.

[00:06:31] Even though I, I do use protection. And I have consensual, uh, monogamous relationships with my partners. Those are boundaries that I set with my sexual partners. And even currently, right now, I'm with my life partner. And, right, as of right now in our relationship, We are monogamous, and as far as I can see into the future, we will remain monogamous.

[00:06:57] And so there is no [00:07:00] STI scare needed. But that moment, that history that is stuck in my brain still causes me to have momentary, like, panics. And that's not healthy. One, because we shouldn't be afraid of STIs. And two, because we are monogamous. That's not a way to feel sexually empowered. Now am I constantly freaking out about getting an STI?

[00:07:30] No, but I get a cyst on my labia and I go, Oh my gosh, is it a cyst or is it something worse? So it's that momentary panic that results from not truly knowing. What may be going on with your genital area and then also with my partner telling his friend that I suck up low jobs I don't know. I apparently After that moment made it my mission to become the best at blowjobs.

[00:07:58] And honestly, [00:08:00] he was my first sexual partner. We barely did anything. And so like that experience wasn't there, but I can tell you, none of my partners since him have said anything other than great compliments and five star ratings about my blowjobs. In fact, I am going to be hosting a blowjob workshop in August, so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that.

[00:08:28] I'm great at them, and maybe because of that shame, I totally did a 180 and was like, I have to be the best at it now. And I am, I'm great, honestly, tootie my own horn, but that's not the point. The point is, is I should not have been shamed. Whenever I'm in sexual relations with partners. I do my best not to make them feel bad for any encounter that we have.

[00:08:59] [00:09:00] Because sex is meant to be fun, pleasurable. It's not meant to be taken super seriously to the point That like, we're making our partners feel like shit for things that they're doing or for things that they like. I've been with partners who are interested in doing sexual activities that I'm like, Eh, that's not up my alley.

[00:09:27] Sorry. Totally cool that you like that. But that's not something that I enjoy. Or maybe I have to think about that because, I don't know, never experienced it before, never explored it before. Let me work on my comfort zone and see if that's something that I can do with you down the road. And vice versa, there are things that I like to do that my partners have been like, uh, no, and that's okay.

[00:09:55] And you know, the beauty of it is people change their minds over [00:10:00] time. Not saying try to convince or force your partner to do something and don't bring it up consistently to try to Get them to do it but as they become more comfortable with your body as they become more comfortable with their body and they Start to open their mind up a little bit.

[00:10:19] They might be like hey If you know that thing you said a few months ago, let's try it. I'm a huge advocate for having open communication when it comes to sex, but also being honest with where you're at. And if something your partner wants to do is not something you're comfortable with, 100 percent okay and both parties need to recognize that they are two individual or three individual or however many partners are in that encounter need to realize that everybody is an individual and just [00:11:00] because you like something doesn't mean the other person or persons has to like it as well.

[00:11:07] And we have to respect the boundaries that our partners put up.

[00:11:13] Because without respecting those boundaries, it could lead to moments of shame. It could also lead down a path that is more dangerous. So

[00:11:24] one of the lessons that I definitely learned from my past partner sharing with their friend that I sucked up low jobs was I never want to make another partner feel that way. Even if they're not doing things 100 percent to where my pleasure is being fulfilled. I'm not going to make them feel shame.

[00:11:47] I'm going to work with them to grow and learn my body more,

[00:11:52] but I'm not going to make them feel like shit because that doesn't help anybody in any situation. I mean, [00:12:00] think about it. One was the last time that you felt shame, not sex related, but just felt shame. Did somebody make you feel like crap? Did friend or a family member, right? make you feel ashamed for something you said or did.

[00:12:18] And how did you feel about that? It's not a great feeling. So that's something we really, really want to try to avoid in an intimate relationship because I'm sure you know that feeling of being completely naked physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually in front of somebody It opens up that world of vulnerability.

[00:12:45] And when somebody attacks us, when we're in that vulnerable state, it causes us to shut down even more. It causes us to close ourselves off, close ourselves off from our [00:13:00] partner, or maybe even ourselves. And sex is meant to be enjoyable. Sex is meant to be fun. To be this thing that we go to, to release stress, have fun and connect deeper with our partners.

[00:13:15] So we have to make sure that what we're doing and the way that we're communicating with our partners is void of shame.

[00:13:23] We also have to make sure that the way that we're speaking to ourselves is void of shame as well.

[00:13:31] If you constantly are sitting there and telling yourself, I suck at sex, I suck at sex. Oh my god, he probably, or she probably, or they probably did not enjoy that. Maybe my face looks wrong. Maybe my O face is not a pretty O face. You know, these, mental gymnastics that our brain goes through in order to make ourselves feel crappy [00:14:00] in the moment, after the moment.

[00:14:02] It sucks.

[00:14:03] And if we're not going to shame our partners, why would we shame ourselves? And I know that's easier said than done.

[00:14:10] I've mentioned previously that in 2021 I hurt my back. And for a little while there, When my partner and I were just starting out to have sex because our relationship was new in 2021, I hated it and I felt so much shame and even to today I still feel a little bit of shame because I can't do certain things in the bedroom that I used to be able to do because of my back.

[00:14:40] Now is my back improving? Via my working out and healing it and am I getting better and stronger and able to Attempt it a little bit? Absolutely, because I've chosen to work on it, but I still sometimes go Oh, my partner is probably bored with [00:15:00] me and Probably gets tired of having to do all the work. Oh my gosh.

[00:15:06] I'm a princess. I'm sure you've heard that term. but the truth is, is I just have a hurt. I have an injury and that's preventing me from doing certain things. But that does, does that mean that I'm bad at sex? No. And I can tell you my partner tells me all the time how great I am at sex and how much he loves having sex with me.

[00:15:29] Does it mean that I also don't want things to be different? I absolutely do. And I'll get there one day. But right now I have to be gentle with myself and not send myself into this shame spiral because I have an injury or because I'm not capable of of

[00:15:50] having sex in certain positions, or for a certain amount of time, because when we send ourselves into a shame spiral, we take ourselves out of our [00:16:00] body. We take ourselves out of that pleasure that we're experiencing,

[00:16:05] and our focus is on the shame, when really our focus should be in the present moment, connecting with our partner,

[00:16:14] and enjoying what is happening to our body.

[00:16:17] Now I understand for some people that pleasure and that enjoyment isn't quite there right now, and that's okay. You may not physically be able to enjoy sex at this point in time. You may be working on it. You may not be ready to work on it. And I want you to know that just because you aren't physically enjoying it doesn't mean that there aren't other ways that you can enjoy it.

[00:16:43] And so even that, the act of physically enjoying sex and not being able to could make you feel ashamed. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you.

[00:16:57] Our bodies go through different [00:17:00] cycles and phases.

[00:17:01] Which means that sex may not always be pleasurable. It also may not be something that is innate to you. And it's something that you have to learn how your body works, what your body enjoys. Everyone is built differently. So if you are in that phase of life where the physical act of sex isn't enjoyable to you, please Know that that is okay.

[00:17:33] Don't feel ashamed. You can work on that. But what I want you to do instead is I want you to try to find other things when it comes to the act of sex that you can find pleasure in, that you can find enjoyment in. Whether or not that's the connection with your partner, whether or not that's touching yourself in different parts of your body that aren't [00:18:00] your genitalia.

[00:18:01] There's so much more to the act of sex than just penis and vagina or oral sex or manual sex.

[00:18:11] And sometimes it takes focusing on those other parts of sex to get us out of our mind and allow our body to relax to the point that we can enjoy sex with our physical body. Again, there's so many different paths. That sex can be enjoyed and we could dive in more To how to make it work how not to make it work all that kind of stuff But today's focus is on shame So if you find yourself in a shame spiral if you find yourself feeling shame from a partner or even from Friends and family not in the sex area.

[00:18:53] I hope you're not having sex with family. but

[00:18:56] If we feel shame, whether from an external [00:19:00] source or an internal source, we need to pause for a moment. We need to take a deep breath, maybe a few deep breaths, and we need to ground ourselves and center ourselves back into our bodies

[00:19:13] and remind ourselves That we are human, and we're not meant to be perfect. We're not meant to look perfect, act perfect, sound perfect.

[00:19:25] Each and every single one of us is built differently. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. We all have different thoughts and different movement patterns. We all have different abilities.

[00:19:40] And those attributes are all unique to us as individuals. So just because something isn't working for you right now, or whenever you're feeling the shame,

[00:19:55] doesn't mean that that is the way it's going to be for the rest of your life. [00:20:00] It very well may mean that, but we always have the opportunities to say, Hey, This is where I'm at.

[00:20:08] I'm working through this emotional feeling, or I'm working through this pain in my body, or whatever the instance might be. And you can say, I want to have patience with myself while I work through this. Can you, as my partner, have patience with me as well? Can you help me find a different way to do this?

[00:20:31] Can, can we work together as a team to process this emotion that comes up for me? There have been a few times when my current partner and I have been about to start having sex and then he says something or I say something and it just sends us spiraling and it may not be a shame spiral but an emotional spiral or you know we do something accidentally [00:21:00] physically and then it just like stops everything.

[00:21:02] And we have to be like, okay, what happened? Let's talk through it. Let's, let's put a pause on sex for a moment and let's go to breakfast. Let's go and sit on the couch and talk about what happened. Let's separate and take ourselves out of this moment because it's not working right now.

[00:21:23] And then we can come back and visit this later.

[00:21:25] Now there are other forms. of shame that exists, not just in our partnerships and how we talk to our partners and how we interact with our partners and how we interact with ourselves.

[00:21:39] But there is societal shame, religious shame,

[00:21:46] shame from our past experiences.

[00:21:49] Let's talk about religious shame. I gave the example of our church taking us to a sex talk and the entire [00:22:00] sex talk being about how if you have premarital sex you are going to get an STI and it's going to be really hard for somebody to love you. Now that wasn't right,

[00:22:11] but it's also not uncommon.

[00:22:15] I went to a Christian college. Now if you remember, I've talked about that before, how my parents were very open around sex. with us kids. So I didn't grow up with this concept and this thought that if I have sex, I'm bad for it. you know, my parents were very much like, when you're ready to have sex, you should be able to walk into a store and get protection basically via a condom.

[00:22:45] But also, if you're ready to have sex, come to us and we'll go to a gynecologist or a doctor or whatever and talk about birth control. And Get your health checks and all that kind of stuff. So I didn't come [00:23:00] from a household that made me feel shameful around sex, but when I entered college, it became very apparent

[00:23:10] how much shame from religion and religious upbringings was instilled in my peers.

[00:23:19] I remember living in my dorm freshman year and I had friends who would have sex. And then they would cry afterwards because they were going to hell. I had a friend. I had a group of, it was me and two other people, a guy and a girl, and

[00:23:37] I came from, obviously, my upbringing. The guy was somebody who didn't live on campus, but, um, he commuted and we hung out every day and he had a partner. And then the girl was somebody who was my hallmate and she came from a religious upbringing and she was taught no premarital [00:24:00] sex. There's incident where our guy friend in the group came to us one day at lunch and he's like, you guys, I'm freaking out because

[00:24:09] my partner and I. Might be pregnant. Now my friend, the girl who grew up in a religious family, basically ostracized him at that moment. Condemned him to hell. And told me that because I was being a supportive friend, I was going to hell.

[00:24:27] That is shame.

[00:24:28] She feels shame because she's talking about premarital sex because there is potentially a pregnancy outside of wedlock. And so she can't even talk about it because she's feeling a lot of shame.

[00:24:44] He feels shame because he probably was raised in a religious household as well and potentially might have gotten his partner pregnant. So he feels shame around that.

[00:24:56] And it's just that consistent [00:25:00] cycle of if you have sex and you get pregnant, you're going to hell. You're a sinner. All of those negative words that they throw at you. I also had a hallmate who, I had no idea until the last day of our fall semester when we were packing up to go home, she was moving out.

[00:25:21] And I was like, why are you moving out? And she's like, I'm pregnant. And the school, because she wasn't married, was kicking her out for being pregnant. Also freshman year, I went to relationship, group education seminars, that type of thing. And there was a couple there who they were In their junior or senior year, and she talked about how she had sex in a previous relationship, and he talked about how he had to forgive her for giving herself up to a man who was not her husband.

[00:25:57] So there's a whole other form there of [00:26:00] shame, because you're being told that you should be gracious. That your fiancé or your partner is forgiving you for having sex with somebody else. That creates a lot of shame. When we're being told that sex is bad, you can't have sex until you're married, you lose your value when you have sex, it creates this internal dialogue.

[00:26:28] We should be ashamed of ourselves. And more often than not, that part is thrown on the women. We Because you often kind of grow up hearing about men having sex, and lots of it. Women must remain virgins, quote unquote, until marriage. And it, it's not healthy.

[00:26:50] Because we shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of our sexual desires and our experiences. Also, my biggest Biggest pet peeve [00:27:00] with religious shaming when it comes to sex is I don't care if you are somebody is super religious and super Like christian that you're like i'm going to save myself to marriage cool.

[00:27:16] That's what you want to do great I don't care

[00:27:19] where I have a problem with the religious conversation around abstinence only is the fact that you are being taught from basically childhood up until 21,

[00:27:37] sex is bad. Do not have sex. If you have sex before you're married, you lose your value. You lose your worth.

[00:27:47] You're told this for years upon years upon years upon years. And so the story that is forming in your head If sex is bad,

[00:27:59] sex is [00:28:00] terrible, sex is gonna send you to hell, sex isn't enjoyable, sex is the worst thing that you could do. You're being told this narrative. And then the second you get married and you head off to consummate your marriage

[00:28:20] and the sex is shitty because you don't know what to do or you find yourself having a honeymoon baby because you weren't taught about protection.

[00:28:33] Or anything else, because you're not taught good parts about sex. That is probably my biggest pet peeve with religious shaming when it comes to sex. Sex is meant to be fun. It's meant to be enjoyable. I've said that a few times already this episode.

[00:28:54] But how does the church expect you? To go from sex is [00:29:00] bad to sex is the greatest thing that I've ever done in a matter of minutes. All because you said the words, I do. And you kissed your partner and exchanged rings. And underneath God, you are not married. I don't understand it. Your mind can't flip a switch like that.

[00:29:19] And so it's no wonder that we have people who get married and Think sex is terrible or don't know what they actually enjoy.

[00:29:29] We have young,

[00:29:31] young adults who have been told, you can't have sex until you're married, rushing into these marriages just to have sex. And then they get pregnant right away, and then they have the rest of their life ahead of them, and they have nothing figured out.

[00:29:51] And then they're stuck in this shame spiral because they're like,

[00:29:54] well I know I had sex because I got pregnant, but I have no idea. It was not [00:30:00] fun, it was not enjoyable. Or you have women who are stuck in relationships with partners, if it's a heterosexual relationship, whose partners don't know how to pleasure them. Because the focus About sex when it comes to religion is just penis and vagina.

[00:30:18] It's getting pregnant, having children, procreating.

[00:30:22] And then they wonder why they struggle in their marriage. Because that bond between them that is supposed to be sacred is filled with a bunch of shame because they weren't able to get over the narratives and the stories that they had been told for decades until they got married. And then they don't know how to enjoy their own body or their partner's body.

[00:30:48] And they just think that sex is meant for children. And there's so much more to it,

[00:30:53] which is why, like when I've been in Bible study groups with peers and they, the women talk to [00:31:00] me about how they're afraid for having sex after marriage because they don't know what they're doing, or what if their partner and them aren't a match. Yeah, that happens. But also, like, you're not always going to know what to do.

[00:31:17] I have a back injury right now, which means that I'm limited to what I can do for sex. It sucks, but it just means my partner and I find a way around it. And the same goes for having sex for the first time, tenth time, hundredth time, thousandth time in a relationship. Our bodies go through different changes and different cycles.

[00:31:38] As we age, certain injuries happen, and Our bodies aren't capable of doing the same things that they were when we were in our 20s. And so having sex is a constant learning experience. So just because you go in on your wedding night and the sex sucks doesn't mean that that has to be your relationship for the rest of your life.

[00:31:59] [00:32:00] But that's where the church fails is there's such a shame spiral happening that the church hasn't taught you how to have those conversations. With your partner or the church hasn't taught you how to

[00:32:16] respect your body and Learn your body so that you can discover what it is that you like yourself because not just through Sex before marriage with a partner, but you're taught that Masturbation is a sin. You're taught that look, excuse me

[00:32:36] You're taught that looking at your body or finding what's pleasurable is a sin. You are taught that your body is a bad thing from a sexual perspective. So how are you supposed to find yourself beautiful, or handsome, or good looking, or pleasurable? Hell, I love my body. I love having [00:33:00] sex with myself.

[00:33:01] My body is amazing and magical and deserves pleasure.

[00:33:05] I love the way my, you know, my vulva, my pussy, my vagina, whatever you want to call it, smells and tastes because I've been able to explore my body from that perspective. But you're taught by the church that you should be ashamed of your body. But because I know my body more intimately. Because I've taken the time to get to know it, I, in turn, also get to enjoy sex with my partner more.

[00:33:31] Because I can tell my partner, hey, I love it when you do this. This actually feels good.

[00:33:37] Oh, if you put the vibrator right there against that spot, that feels the best. Versus if you put it on the other side, I don't feel it as much. You know, like, I've taken the time to explore my body in these areas. And still continue to do so as I age, as my body changes, as I go through different things.

[00:33:59] And I allow my [00:34:00] partner to experiment and explore with my body. I do the same with them. And it's in those moments that we get to be free and feel happy and feel joy. And it's something that we are taught that our body is shameful. And migrating that outside of religion We're taught by society that our bodies are shameful, especially women.

[00:34:25] As women, we are taught by society that we are less than desirable. If we don't look like a model, if we don't look like the person that we see on the screen and yeah, our society is expanding more and showing more type of bodies. In ads and marketing and all that kind of stuff. But for the most part, we've been shoved down our throats.

[00:34:52] Blonde hair, blue eye, tall, white skin, skinny is the epitome of [00:35:00] beauty. And all of that is false narrative. But if we don't look like that, we feel shame. And we take that shame into the bedroom with us. We take that shame

[00:35:11] with us as we take off our clothes. We want the lights off as we take off our clothes. We ask our partners to look at us. We take off our clothes. We don't want to touch ourselves in certain areas. I've got a belly right now and I wake up every morning and I put my hands in my belly and I go, thank you.

[00:35:31] Thank you for being here. It took time to get there. I was a teenager once. I had deep insecurities, but I was also always confident in my body and my capabilities, but I'm still human. I have insecure days.

[00:35:47] I don't always feel pretty and sexy and I don't always want my partner to see me, but I still show up for myself. And honestly, the biggest thing that helped [00:36:00] me get over those insecurities was actively getting naked in front of my partners.

[00:36:07] Because I told myself, they want to see me naked. They are attracted to me. So just because I have a little bit of an extra pocket of fat right here, or I have a stretch mark right there, or I have a scar right here,

[00:36:23] the easiest thing that helped me to get over those insecurities when it came to being naked in front of a partner was to get naked and allow them to admire and adore and worship my body

[00:36:39] and see my body through their eyes.

[00:36:41] But with that being said, society teaches us. that we're wrong, we're bullied,

[00:36:47] we're pulled, we're ugly, or I can't believe you have that, whatever people say. People are mean. Society as a whole can be mean.

[00:36:58] So we're taught [00:37:00] these narratives that leave us in shame.

[00:37:03] The other area that we feel shame, and this is where I'm going to start talking about sexual assault, is our past experiences.

[00:37:12] You know, maybe something happened in our childhood, or in our teenage years, or even as an adult, where somebody took advantage of you.

[00:37:24] And through that experience, you learned that your body wasn't good enough. You learned that you were ugly or worthless or trash or whatever words were thrown at you from this person or persons.

[00:37:46] Especially one that happens when we're younger, and especially if it's surrounded by trauma, which sexual assault is trauma, that narrative stays in our head, and it is very hard to unwind. And [00:38:00] it takes time, and it's in those moments that we have to be gentle with ourselves, and gentle with our partners if they're experiencing trauma from that.

[00:38:11] And learn to take every single moment as that moment and not push ourselves past where we feel comfortable with going. Because there is a lot of shame and trauma mixed together that prevents us from truly seeing our worth, our value, our beauty, our pleasure, our joy, and also seeing our bodies as capable and worthy of having sex that is of our control, sex that is consenting, sex that is

[00:38:48] created from true feelings and emotions and physical reactions that we are okay with.

[00:38:59] If [00:39:00] you are somebody who has experienced sexual assault or trauma of sex in any way, shape, or form, I highly encourage you to seek out a professional therapist who can help you work through those moments, process what happened to you, and help you build a foundation. From which you can then begin exploring your sexuality without that shame.

[00:39:28] Those are going to be moments.

[00:39:31] Take more time to go through. Take more time to process. So it's not something I'm going to talk too much about now, but I want you to know that shame is real. All shame is real. Not saying it's not,

[00:39:43] but shame stemming from sexual assault is an, of itself, a whole different thing to work through. It's a whole different monster. So if that is someplace that you're at in your life, please reach out to a [00:40:00] therapist, find guidance through that, and know that it's real. That wherever you are in it, it's okay.

[00:40:09] You are not less than because of your experience.

[00:40:13] Your experience happened to you, but it isn't and doesn't have to be who you are. It may feel like that right now, or maybe you've worked through some, you know, of it in the past, but I want you to know that that experience is not you. You are a whole and complete human outside of that experience, and that may be tough to hear right now, and that's totally understandable and totally okay.

[00:40:39] So I want you to know that you're not alone,

[00:40:42] that shame is real and exists,

[00:40:45] and I wish you the best in working through that.

[00:40:48] Moving on from that, there are a multitude of other ways when it comes to sex to feel shame. Shame isn't something that happens to us [00:41:00] once and then goes away for the rest of our lives. Shame comes and goes. Things get said, things get done, whether intentionally or unintentionally. That's going to affect us.

[00:41:11] We age, we get injured, traumatic life events happen. None of us are exempt from feeling shame.

[00:41:20] And it's difficult to work through, but it's not impossible to work through. And the beautiful thing Is if you can find a partner where neither of you seek shaming, instead find ways to uncover and break down the shame that you might be feeling personally or with your partner or with your past. If you can work together, it can lead you to beautiful experiences in and out of the bedroom.

[00:41:57] Exploration with your partner, [00:42:00] exploration with yourself can be some of the most rewarding moments. in a relationship. And obviously that it can be said for the non sexual parts of a relationship as well, but there's something so beautiful.

[00:42:19] There's something so deep and intimate and vulnerable about getting naked physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually with your partner. And enjoying bringing each other to pleasure. Enjoying finding parts of your guys minds and bodies that just light up with joy and exude sexual energy. Whether or not that's through flirting, sexting, kissing, dancing, light touches, all the way down to [00:43:00] trying out different positions or bringing different toys into the bedroom.

[00:43:06] Or exploring kink or BDSM or any of the multitudes of things that incorporate sex and pleasure. There's a wide world out there when you begin to release shame. and explore and dive deeper and learn more.

[00:43:28] You may be somebody who goes from A to Z really quickly or you may be somebody who takes years to get from A to Z and Z may not even be the end. I don't know. Everybody has their own different world.

[00:43:41] There is a world that exists. Where shame can be present, but we can also put it to the side and say not today. Today I'm going to show up for myself. Today you can sit there. I'm going to be present with my partner. [00:44:00] I'm going to be present with my body, and I'm going to fully dive in and just allow myself to enjoy.

[00:44:07] It might take some work. It might take a little bit or a lot of bit of energy, but it is possible.

[00:44:15] And again, I'm It's going to come and go.

[00:44:17] Even the most confident people in the world feel shame or insecurities at some point in time, because we've all had shame brought to us, whether from an internal or an external source in some way, shape, or form. Nobody has been lucky enough unless you're a one day old baby to not feel shame. And it's not, it's not a fun feeling.

[00:44:44] It's scary. It's sad. It's disheartening. It's annoying. It's irritating. It's all of the feels.

[00:44:51] When we learn how to process it, how to talk about it, how to unravel it, the letting go, [00:45:00] or they're putting to the side can open a world of wonder and can open a more deeper intimate connection with yourself and with your partner.

[00:45:11] So as you move forward through today, through the rest of this week, into the coming years, if you're struggling with shame, please Work through it. Seek out a therapist. If you're somebody who has worked through the feelings of shame, and you're ready to move forward in your sexual exploration, but you're unsure what to do, you can reach out to me.

[00:45:36] The difference between a coach and a therapist is a therapist helps you work through the past emotions.

[00:45:43] And a coach helps you get from where you're at to where you want to go. So, depending upon your level of shame, I may be able to work with you to help you say, okay, I'm here. I felt shame. I want to get to here. How do I do it? If you're somebody who [00:46:00] hasn't worked through the shame feelings, you're not sure tools that can help you work through it, that's when you wanna reach out to a therapist.

[00:46:10] ' cause they're better equipped and more knowledgeable on how to do that. But if you are somebody who is like, Hey, I have felt shame, I feel like I've got a good handle on it. I just need help and guidance on how I can move past the shame into. Where I want to go with my sexual life. Please feel free to reach out to me.

[00:46:33] I would love to work with you.

[00:46:34] I hope that as time goes on, that you release that shame more and more and you begin to dive in and explore because exploring in the realm of sex is so much fun and it makes your toes curl. It brings butterflies to your stomach and it brings. Just so much pleasure and electricity throughout your entire [00:47:00] body.

[00:47:00] So happy exploration, happy pleasure, enjoy the rest of your week. And I, I truly hope that over time, shame is something that becomes less and less of an issue. And I, I really want to see society kind of shift more to sex as a healthy, good thing. When it's done in a consensual and

[00:47:28] yeah, in a consensual way, because that's when sex is fun.

[00:47:32] Happy day. Happy week. Happy sex. Love you all. Talk to you next week. [00:48:00]