EPISODE 18: Navigating Pain and Pleasure in Sex
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THE LOWDOWN
In today's episode, we dive deep into the struggles we face when it comes to sex. Life throws us curveballs, whether it's navigating new relationships, dealing with physical pain, or adjusting to changing circumstances. It's a journey filled with highs and lows, but amidst the challenges, there's always hope.
Navigating the complexities of sex and intimacy requires patience and self-reflection. It's about understanding your body's needs and desires, while also being open to exploring new ways of connecting with yourself and others. And above all, it's about embracing the journey, finding joy amidst the pain, and recognizing that you are worthy of happiness and pleasure, no matter what challenges come your way.
MENTIONED IN SHOW:
Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess
SHOW NOTES:
Episode begins at [00:00:54]
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Hello, hello, hello. I hope that your week is off to a great start and that Whatever may be going on in your life is filled with hope, love, joy, even in the hard moments. trust me, I've been going through just a lot of emotional feels lately. You know, I'm trying to figure out my life, figure out my future, and a lot of things have changed in the past year, , with just family and friends, uh, surrounding coming out of COVID, surrounding my mom's passing, there's just a lot happening, and I feel like there's this collective, like, feeling of pain.
That's it. burnt out and exhaustion. And I hope that even in the midst of all of those feelings, that there is something to look forward [00:01:00] to, something to be joyful about, because at least that joy and that moment gives us hope to look forward to. Um, The coming days, the coming weeks, months, years, etc. It's a lot, but I just want to let you know that you're not alone in it.
I know I'm certainly not alone in it, and I'm feeling a lot of different things right now. So if you're going through something, sending you all my love and hugs right now in this moment. Today I want to talk about staying in the struggle when it comes to sex. When we covered this topic on the financial side, we talked a lot about how.
You still get to enjoy life, even if you're trying to figure things out, [00:02:00] trying to get out of debt, or purchase your first home, or maybe you're living paycheck to paycheck and you want to stop doing that. And so we talked about how just because you're in the struggle doesn't mean that you have to remain there to find your way out.
And a lot of it was focused on if you wanted to Take your family to a theme park, or go on a vacation, or buy yourself a nice dress for a date night or something. That you could totally do that, within reason, and with making decisions elsewhere, to be able to save up that money.
When it comes to sex, there are varying degrees of struggle. It could range from maybe you're starting a new relationship and you guys are trying to get used to each other's bodies or [00:03:00] maybe for yourself you don't know what you like and so you're trying to determine that for yourself. Perhaps You've got pain somewhere in your body, you had an injury, maybe you have vaginal or vulva pain, erectile dysfunction, anything of any sorts could be considered a struggle if it's something isn't feeling 100 percent right to you.
And when I say isn't feeling 100 percent right to you, that's dependent on your body, and your likes, or your tolerance for pain, or whatever might be going on.
We are all different. differing human beings. So what you might consider a struggle may not be a struggle to somebody else. So one of the first things we want to keep in mind [00:04:00] is if we do talk to other people about what we feel like we're struggling with,
perhaps Depending upon who it is, take their response, their opinion, with a grain of salt, because they're not inside your body, they're not in your situation. And so, they might have an idea, or an opinion on what the struggle is that you're going through, and they may give you suggestions, or they may tell you, that's barely a struggle, like.
Why are you bothering yourself with that? But here's the thing, they're not in your shoes, and they're not in your body, so they can't tell you that's not a struggle. Because, just because it's not that to them, or just because they would handle something a certain way, doesn't mean that that is What is accurate for yourself?
One of the biggest things I often suggest is if you feel like you're struggling with [00:05:00] something, talk to your partner, if you feel safe to do so, but also reach out to a professional, depending upon what it is, a therapist, a coach, you know, maybe you're struggling with some pain. In like your lower back or your knee or wherever, reach out to a doctor or a physical therapist, somebody that can help you with correcting the thing that is causing you the pain, the thing that is causing you to feel the struggle.
I think back to when I started having back pain and having sex. Became a struggle for me. It really did. And it sucked because I love having sex and I was just meeting my partner for the first time and I was like, I want to have mind blowing sex with you, but my body is hindering me and it wasn't just [00:06:00] hindering me.
From having sex, like literally our first date, he and I were sitting on the couch, and he was trying to cuddle with me, but I couldn't because my back was hurting me. And he was like, do you not like me? Do you not want to, like, touch? And I was like, no, I just can't cuddle because I have to sit a specific way right now until I figure out what's going on with my back.
, And he was like, oh, okay, I understand. And like, later that night he gave me a massage, which was very sweet. , but it was just one of those things where I was like, I want to connect with you so much right now, and I can't because my back is freaking out on me. And it sucked. And it's, it was a struggle.
It still is a struggle. But thankfully, I've done work to make it better. I stopped karate because I realized a [00:07:00] lot of what I was doing in karate was hurting my back. And I started going to the gym and working on my core strength and increasing like my cardio and building muscle stability in all the areas of my body to reduce any like.
counter imbalances from my other muscles trying to work, aka my back muscles, trying to hold my body up, essentially, because my core wasn't strong enough.
Through doing that work, my back is healing and sex is becoming better for me, which I am 100 percent ecstatic about. It's still not completely healed. But it's nice because I get to sit here and I get to challenge myself when it comes to sex. I get to do things and work [00:08:00] towards getting back to doing things that I used to love doing.
You know, I love being on top when we're having sex. It's where I have my best orgasms. But that hurts my back. Or sometimes holding my legs up in certain positions. Pulls on my back. And so it's been a struggle, but I've been able to work towards healing it and work towards getting my sexual self back to where I love being
and Obviously, that's just one example of a struggle during sex. But one of the biggest things it wasn't just me saying, okay, I need to heal this and putting in the work to do that. But it was also me pausing and having a conversation with my partner. And when things start to hurt, say, hey, can we switch positions?
Can we try [00:09:00] this? Or, hey, I'm going to try this because I feel like I'm healing, but I may not be able to stay there for long, but I'd like to at least work towards that. And let's have patience. And my partner is great about that. Super encouraging, tells me all the time that I'm doing great, all that kind of stuff, and it makes me feel better.
But then when I do have to rest, he goes, okay, that's fine. We'll switch it up. But the other important part about it was, I didn't just completely stop sex. Sex is important to me, and it is important to mine and my partner's relationship.
Do we need sex to have our relationship be concrete? No. We would still be together if we weren't having sex right now. But, it is a way that we love to connect. And I'm sure most partnerships out there would agree with that, that [00:10:00] sex and intimacy are great connections between partners. So while I was going through this struggle,
I had decisions to make. And I don't mean like black and white decisions. I mean, what am I going to do to heal my back?
What are my limits and what are my boundaries? When it comes to my back and that's not just with my partner, but like outside forces I had to give up karate because I realized that that was a limit I couldn't do it anymore where I had gotten to in karate Was a level where if I continued down that road, I would probably injure my back more Which was sad and unfortunate because I really was trying to go for a black belt, but I had to make decisions.
Is this injury? worth getting to black belt? And the answer was no.
The other [00:11:00] decisions I had to make were, if my back is hurting me for the day, do I still want to have sex? And there were times where I was just super horny and I was like, I don't give a frick. My back is hurting me. We're having sex. And then there were days where I was like, my back is really, really bothering me.
I can't have sex right now. And that was okay. It sucked because I love sex, but it was something that I was like, no, my body needs this break, my body needs this rest, but in the moments where I was feeling okay, I still allowed myself to explore my body personally and with my partner, because that was important to me and important to us.
So as you're going through this struggle. Ask yourself,
what do you need right now in this moment? What are the important things to you?
Do you need to see a [00:12:00] doctor? Do you need to talk to somebody? Do you need to talk to your partner or a professional?
Is sex completely off the table for this time? Or is it still there, but gets to be in a different way? And that could be anything from you and your partner just touching each other to exploring different avenues of sex.
Like maybe you have to say to your partner similar to what I had to say, I can't be on top right now because it hurts. But, when we do it from this angle, that's the best. Can we stick with this angle for the foreseeable future? Having those conversations, making those decisions, and also deciding for yourself, even though I'm struggling with this, even though I'm in pain here,
are there other ways that I can experience pleasure and intimacy with my partner? Pleasure and intimacy [00:13:00] with myself?
Whatever it is that you're going through may take time, and so it's important to be realistic. It's important to
sit down and process all of the ins and outs of what you're going through.
Maybe you are starting a new partnership and it scares you to have sex with this new person, be vulnerable, be naked. And so you need to sit down with yourself and with your partner and talk about those fears and figure out ways that you can take things slowly that will make you feel comfortable.
Maybe you need to wait until a few months into the relationship before you do anything. Or maybe you want to
just sit and slowly look at each other's bodies before touching.
Whatever boundaries and steps that you need [00:14:00] to process the struggle and work through it are important. And the more we talk about it and the more that we ask ourselves questions and process what it is that we're feeling, the easier it is to actually work through that struggle. And sometimes you may not have the answer, and that's why it's important to reach out to a professional, somebody who can help bounce ideas off of or just share out loud what it is that you're thinking.
Because sometimes when we hear ourselves say it, we don't even need the other person to respond. We figure it out. We're like, Oh, that's what I was feeling. Or, Oh, that's, that's my answer. That's, that's what I needed to hear. Or that's what I needed to see.
Maybe you didn't grow up in a house that talked about sex, and so maybe your struggle is you're getting married for the first time, and you're like, Married for the first time is kind of funny, but getting [00:15:00] married and you're gonna have sex for the first time on your wedding night, And you're feeling all this pressure, and you're not sure how to prepare for it.
And so you panic and you get nervous and you just start to psych yourself out and then you're worried that it's going to be a horrible, horrible first time,
but there are ways to process and talk through and prepare yourself for having sex for the first time. And depending upon your beliefs will depend upon how you work through that struggle. But one of the. Best things that I love, and this is why I love talking about sex, is because the more you talk about it, the more you realize the positive things about sex versus the negative things.
And we start to build confidence in and around our sexual lives. We start to see things for the potential that they get [00:16:00] to be, instead of maybe, like, the struggle that they are.
Talking about sex, experiencing any sort of struggle when it comes to sex,
those things can be scary. Because we have these societal images in our head, especially from Hollywood, of these like epic, amazing, love scenes, sex scenes, whether or not it's from porn or movies or television shows.
And so we get in our heads about what perfect, and I'm using air quotes, perfect sex is supposed to be. And then when we don't meet the expectations of that so on, so called perfect sex, we feel as if we're struggling. And sure, 100%, we probably are or could be struggling through something. But sometimes that struggle is this meeting this expectation of this is what [00:17:00] sex is supposed to be.
This is what sex is supposed to look like.
And so when we can take. Our minds away from these false expectations.
We can begin to paint a different picture of what sex looks like for us, for ourselves, our partnerships,
our group of friends, whatever your, your sex life looks like.
And then the struggle becomes easier to work through.
But that unearthing of letting go of what sex is supposed to look like, that can take a little bit of time, especially if you didn't grow up talking about it or having conversations around what it means to you or sitting and exploring your own body. You know, maybe you do experience vaginal pain and your partner and you have never had conversations around the fact that sex [00:18:00] is isn't supposed to hurt.
And so you don't think, you think that this is normal, or you think that there's something wrong with you and that you're broken, and then you're afraid to talk to your doctor because you don't think that this is something that can be worked through. And maybe your partner doesn't have insight in how to help you.
And so you guys get stuck in this rut of, well, sex isn't just for us. When that Could be the furthest from the truth.
Maybe you aren't somebody who enjoys sex and that's a hundred percent fine and okay But if you are somebody who enjoys sex and you're in a spot where you're like, this just isn't working You don't have to stay there You don't have to hope that just one day you're gonna wake up and it's gonna be magical and it's gonna work
because everybody Changes throughout their entire lives and things happen to us
that are going to change our [00:19:00] sex lives. You're going to have an injury, you're going to age, things are going to change with your body, your desires are going to change.
And so you're going to hit a moment, maybe you've already hit it, maybe you haven't, but you're going to hit a moment where you feel defeated, where you're like, this just isn't working, and I don't know what to do. And that's when you have to stop and ask yourself, okay, what am I feeling? I'm feeling pain.
I'm feeling disattached from my body. I'm feeling like my partner and I aren't connecting. I'm feeling lost, whatever it might be.
And then you ask yourself, What do I want? What are my expectations here?
And you decide where to go from there, but you also get to tell yourself that just because I have a little bit of time to get from point A to point Z doesn't mean that I have to feel like crap the entire time.
Enjoy different parts of pleasure. And that [00:20:00] might not even be with your physical body. That might be sitting down with your partner and saying, Hey, I kind of want to do like a blindfold test while we're eating. I want you to blindfold me and I want you to feed me different foods so that I can tap into my different senses.
Or I want you to blindfold me and give me a massage so that I can feel into the different textures and senses. in my body, but I don't want it to go into the sexual realm. Or maybe you just spend time making out with each other. Or maybe if it's you on you, you sit down and you ask your body what feels good.
Or maybe you just look at yourself in the mirror and you tell yourself that you're beautiful. Because when we get to tap into our bodies in an intimate way, or with pleasure in any sort of way, We get to connect [00:21:00] and we get to tell our bodies that they are worthy and that they're not broken and that they're not wrong for what they're feeling or what they're going through.
Because it's so easy to be in the struggle and beat ourselves up and say, you're wrong. You're bad. I can't believe you're allowing this to happen. I can't believe you got injured. I can't believe you did this or I did that. Or you allowed your partner to do this or whatever. We just get into like a. A role of just beating ourselves up.
But we need to pause that. And we need to say, you know what? I'm in the fucking struggle. This shit is hard. But also, I want to feel the pleasure. So what am I going to do to allow my body to feel some sort of pleasure? Again, it doesn't have to be sexual. Because we have to tell ourselves that we are worthy of happiness and joy, that we are worthy of feeling [00:22:00] good, even amongst the pain, even amongst the struggle.
Because it's in those moments that we find hope, we find revelation, we find the courage to continue moving forward.
I hate that my back hurts sometimes,
but I also recognize that despite that pain, My body still loves orgasming, still loves her partner kissing her neck or massaging her lower back, still loves having face to face connection with my partner. And also I still love touching myself. I sit in a sauna three days a week and I spend 20 minutes meditating.
And then the next 20 minutes I give myself massages. And no, not the masturbating kind. I massage my feet. I massage my face. I [00:23:00] massage my hands, my shoulders, because my body gets to feel my love, even though I'm struggling. And I'm not always in the struggle. My back has gotten a lot better, but it's taking the time to still love on my body.
And remind it that it is powerful and it is loved and it is wanted and desired from myself and from my partner. Those moments are important, and those moments make the hard work of getting through the struggle worth it.
So I hope that whatever it is that you're going through, that you take some time to find moments of pleasure. in your day, in your week, in your life.
Because we don't always have to be sitting in the dark and murky waters. We get to look up at the sky and say, wow, you're beautiful.
And we get to [00:24:00] work our way to the wide open ocean where everything is going to be okay.
I hope that you have a great rest of your day and your week
and that you find at least one moment this week to enjoy some moment of pleasure, whatever that looks like. Maybe you dance it out in the living room with your partner, or you cook your favorite dinner, or you meet up with your best friend. Do something that makes you happy.
Do something that brings pleasure back into your body
so that your body feels connection and strength and courage to continue wading through the struggle, whatever it is that you're going through. I love you. Talk to you soon. [00:25:00]
