EPISODE 17: Why Quick Fixes Won’t Get You the Lasting Results You Want

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THE LOWDOWN

Hey there, welcome back to another week of Sex and Money with Jess! I'm thrilled to dive into our ongoing conversation about, you guessed it, sex and money. Today, we're exploring a topic that's pretty relatable: quick fixes.

So, let's talk about it. Quick fixes can seem like the perfect solution, whether it's about money or relationships, but here's the catch: they usually don't address the underlying issue for the long haul. Sure, we all crave instant solutions, but sometimes, we need to dig deeper and put in the work for lasting results.

I'll be real with you—I'm not exactly the most patient person either. When something's wrong, I want it fixed ASAP. But life doesn't always work like that, does it? Sometimes, we need to sit with our problems, work through them, and let the solutions unfold naturally.

Take relationships, for example. Ever been in a disagreement with your partner and found that jumping into bed seemed like the easiest way to brush it under the rug? Been there. But here's the thing: while sex can temporarily mask our negative emotions, it rarely solves the underlying issues. It's like putting a band-aid on a deep wound—it might cover it up for a while, but it won't heal it.

Now, I'm a huge advocate for working through emotions, even when it's uncomfortable. Recently, I found myself grappling with some heavy feelings in a relationship. Instead of running from them, I leaned in. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary for growth.

Quick fixes might offer temporary relief, but true fulfillment comes from doing the work and embracing the journey. So, let's commit to digging deeper, facing our vulnerabilities, and seeking genuine connection. Because in the end, that's where true satisfaction lies.

Thanks for joining me for another episode of Sex and Money. Until next time, stay curious and keep exploring!ode. Maybe a few sentences or a paragraph.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Welcome to another week of sex and money with Jess. I am [00:01:00] excited to be here and talking to you guys another week about sex and money. Obviously we are in our sex season and I believe that today's topic is quick fixes. We talked about quick fixes when it came to money and one of the biggest things was that a quick fix doesn't fix whatever the issue is in the long term.

And that's something that is very important to keep in mind.

Obviously at the end of the day we all want the solution to be here right now, but sometimes That isn't always possible. Sometimes that is a thing that needs to sit and wait and be worked on before we can come to a [00:02:00] resolution before we can actually see what it is that we're trying to achieve come to fruition.

And trust me, I am not a patient person, so for me, I totally understand 100 percent what it's like to want to quickly fix something, to quickly fix a relationship, a friendship, an issue at work, or maybe I want to buy something that is going to easily help me fix whatever is happening in my house. But I either can't afford it right now, or maybe the model that I want is sold out.

Whatever it is that is happening, quick fixes are a thing that will create a short term solution. But if we're looking to create a long term solution, something that is going to free us [00:03:00] into forever, or ease our mind, or ease our pain, or create a bond with our partners that is going to last us as long as possible.

We have to be willing to dig in deep, ground ourselves, and prepare for the long haul. Now I know that might not sound exciting or enticing because long feels like forever.

We've often are asked to build out life plans for 1, 3, 5, maybe 10 years. And thinking that far ahead can be daunting.

And when it comes to your sex life, sometimes we don't know how long it's going to take to fix an issue.

We may hope that it would only take a couple of months. We may hope that it's a [00:04:00] one and done situation. But that may not be the truth. And so we have to realistically ask ourselves, how long are we willing to work through whatever it is that we're trying to fix,

and we have to realistically ask ourselves,

is putting in the work worth it,

or is it something that you're willing to walk away from?

The other question to ask yourself is. Does the quick fix

make me feel satisfaction that I could continue doing over and over and over and over and over again? Or do I want to maybe

feel uncomfortable

in the moment for the foreseeable future so that satisfaction can become a permanent thing instead of me always having to implement? a quick fix to feel that satisfaction.

One of the first [00:05:00] quick fixes that comes to mind, and it may cover a couple of different issues, is having sex or masturbating

to cover up emotions that we have that we're afraid to talk about, to cover up our own personal vulnerability. And what I mean when I say this is that You and a partner may be having a disagreement,

but you haven't learned how to properly communicate during those disagreements. And so you find yourselves consistently Returning to the physical act of sex to avoid or to squelch those feelings of disappointment or anger or frustration or whatever other negative emotion comes up around the disagreement.

Sex [00:06:00] releases happy feelings.

We tend to feel happier or confident or connected during and after sex. And so when we start to feel angry or any other sort of negative emotion, our bodies are going to want to move away from that.

And sometimes in partnership, we find ourselves having sex to quickly get rid of those emotions. The problem with that is, you never truly work through your emotions that you're feeling, and sometimes you don't actually resolve whatever the underlying issue is with your partner.

I am a huge proponent for working through your emotions. I am currently going through a lot of heavy emotions. In one of my relationships.

And I want to run, and this isn't [00:07:00] a sexual relationship, but it's emotions that are so heavy and so scary. That I find myself

finding anything else that will make me happy to turn my feelings around. I don't want to focus on the negative emotions, but I have to. Because going into the emotion, Going into what I am feeling and asking myself, why am I feeling this way? And is this something that,

is something I need to walk away from? Or is this something that I can work through this emotion and come out on the other side in a better place? Now I'm not saying that every disagreement you have with a partner is going to be this black and white thing where you're like, I'm either done with you or we're going to work through this.

But [00:08:00] sometimes we haven't been taught healthy argument styles. I know that in past relationships of mine with people, Sexual partners,

I always wanted a healthy argument style, but I never got it. And some of that is me, but one of the biggest issues for me was that my past sexual partners were just that, a sexual partner. And I would try to get more out of the relationship, and I would try to be like, Can you just want me, and want to be with me?

But that's not what they wanted. And that's fine, I played a role in that part. But I'm currently now in a healthy relationship that we've worked through difficult arguments. And we've figured out healthy ways to argue.

And we've worked through emotions that come up and talked to each other [00:09:00] about our feelings. Instead of just shutting off and having sex and saying, we're okay, we're fine I'm happy now. We can forget this until the next time that whatever it is that you did pisses me off and I blow up again.

Makeup sex is fun. It can be hot and it's a great thing, but when we're constantly using sex to avoid the real issue. It can create an even bigger issue down the road.

I mentioned how with some of my past relationships, I

 tried to get them to desire me in a much deeper way than just sex. So I consistently showed up to have sex with them. And there was this desire and this pull to have a deeper relationship, but there was also a part of me that knew that they didn't want that. [00:10:00] And

I used having sex with them to satisfy my sexual needs, but also to, in a way, feel that connection. That connection that I wasn't actually getting from a real, authentic, healthy relationship.

Now I had a great time with those guys, and they had a great time with me, and we had friendships, and it wasn't just all about sex, but it wasn't going anywhere deeper. But I used sex as a cover up to put a band aid over the other feelings that I wanted and that I desired. And I always left feeling just a little bit incomplete.

I thoroughly enjoyed the orgasms, but there was always something missing. And I was also afraid to pursue what was missing. Because that meant getting vulnerable. And so sometimes [00:11:00] we use sex as a cover up for masking what it is that we truly want. Or being afraid to voice and ask for what we want.

Because sometimes when we get stuck in these patterns, we just tell ourselves, Okay maybe not. Maybe I don't really want that. Or I'm happy with the way the relationship is.

In reality, deep down inside, you're not happy and you're trying to

just keep even keeled and using the connection that does come with sex. Because let's be real, sex creates some sort of connection whether or not you want it to. So you use that connection to make yourself feel like I'm important. I'm valuable. They do like me to some extent. It may not be. Forever, it may not be marriage, [00:12:00] it may not be me being their person, but at least right now, in this moment, I'm getting that intimate connection.

Another way that we use it, when it comes to relationships,

is we may seek one night stands, or We may focus on self pleasure

because we're afraid to put ourselves out there to actually go on a date, to actually go out to an event, whether it's a singles event or you're going out with your friends somewhere, and you have this hope and this desire to meet somebody,

but you also feel scared and you're like, that's okay, I can flirt. I know that I'm good In bed, so I can easily walk up to Joe Schmoe and say, Hey, let's go home together [00:13:00] tonight. Or maybe you don't even go out. Maybe you're just like, oh my gosh, I have so much desire to be in a relationship and I've got all this sexual energy that needs to be released.

But you don't want to go on the dating websites and you don't want to swipe right and you don't want to Put yourself out there for somebody to get to know you and so instead you stay home and you masturbate Now i'm not saying that everybody has to have this desire to date and Everybody has to be in a partnership.

Some people are a hundred percent happy being single and Having self pleasuring sessions with themselves because that's what makes them happy, but it becomes an issue when deep down inside we decide to not be honest with ourselves or we Avoid the monster in the closet and we tell ourselves it's okay.

I don't need the relationship I'm better off without [00:14:00] it or

I can go out and I can easily pick up a guy at the bar or pick up a girl at the bar or whatever gender you pick up at a bar and you say to yourself it's easy to let my wall down for one night but if they ever want to meet up for a second, third, fourth, fifth date or if they ever want to exchange phone numbers I'm not about that life.

When really what you're hoping for is that connection, but here's the thing. Unless we put ourselves out there and unless we get out into the world and actually have real life conversations with people, we're not going to get to know them. So having a one night stand, while fun. And can be one of the hottest things to do,

but it's not going to get you towards your goal. I do know people who have ended up marrying their one night stand, but part of that is because [00:15:00] They allowed their walls to come down, and they exchanged numbers, and they got to know each other. But without that part in the process of allowing vulnerability to show, allowing ourselves to put ourselves out there, and asking for phone numbers, or saying, hey, let's go on a second date, or hey, do you mind if I call you tomorrow?

Without those moments, we're never going to see our long term dream of being in a partnership happen.

I think back to my first date with my now partner, and

he was so kind and gentle, and I cried on our first date because he had treated me better in that one night than any man who came before him.

Later in the evening, we started kissing and immediately my brain and my body and they were like, [00:16:00] let's have sex. Oh my gosh he's hot and he's treating you nicely and all this kind of stuff. And I just, from experience and from history, I wanted to jump into having sex because I was Because I've And so they were comfortable. And I had a pause and I had to ask myself, do you want something different? What is it that you truly want?

And I ended up

pausing us and saying, Hey, I have to take my mom to the doctors in the morning. I love kissing you, but I need to go to bed. I did have to go to bed, but

it was more of, Me

saying, hey,

I don't want this to go further yet because I want to deepen our connection.

And I took things somewhat slow. We ended up having sex like 10 days into [00:17:00] after our first date. But it was, there were a couple of dates in there and we made out. But things didn't go further, and I enjoyed those moments, and I enjoyed getting to know him as a person, and I enjoyed him getting to know me as a person, and he didn't rush me, he didn't put any pressure on anything,

and it's been nice. Because our sex life is great and our connection is great and we actually have a relationship that is building a future. Now, I don't know what would have happened if I would have had sex with him right away. And again, not saying it's bad to have sex with somebody right away, but for me, I didn't want to repeat the past, but it could have been easy.

It could have been easy to just have sex with him. And then if it didn't work out, be like, Oh another one bites the dust. But I wanted something different. And so I had to think about [00:18:00] my long term goal, my long term result that I wanted. And I was willing to stop with the quick fix, with the make my body happy, make my mind happy, and dig in to the vulnerability to get to know each other so that I could have that long term relationship.

Another area that you might use sex

to avoid is

talking to a doctor or a specialist about pain or discomfort that you're feeling. I think it's common for women to think that pain during sex is normal. It's not, and it's not something that you should have to deal with, but we aren't taught how to talk to our doctors about these things, or if something feels off, or if something seems [00:19:00] different with our bodies, and this can be for both males and females.

Or, as we're going through menopause, or aging, and we might experience erectile dysfunction, or we may find that we aren't as lubricated as we're getting older because our hormones change. All of those things are normal,

but it can also be scary. To talk about or to seek help with because I think we often look at

any change to our body or anything that is not quote unquote standard or mainstream as a problem. And the last thing we as humans want is to consider ourselves a problem or broken.

But we're not. And you might find yourself faking an orgasm because you want your partner to [00:20:00] think that

everything felt okay, but really in reality, you're hurting, or you feel dry, or you are experiencing erection issues.

And quickly faking an orgasm lets your partner feel like, hey, we accomplished something. Woo! And it makes you feel like you quote unquote succeeded at sex, but really in reality, you haven't succeeded at anything other than letting yourself down. And I don't mean that in a blunt way, but really in reality, you aren't satisfied.

You aren't happy. You just spent however long in the throes of sex pretending that everything was okay. When in reality, you're walking away from that situation dissatisfied and disappointed. And [00:21:00] it's so easy to just fake something instead of actually talking through it with your partner or with a specialist.

Or maybe you don't fake your orgasm, but you still force yourself to have sex with your partners. Because at least they're happy, right? Or at least you're trying and you're creating intimacy with each other. But in my opinion, there's nothing worse than one partner feeling like shit. And who knows, maybe your other partner is picking up on it.

They're afraid. to bring it up in fear of hurting your feelings. And so then both partners feel like crap. And that's not the feeling that we want to have surrounding sex. So if you're experiencing anything where you feel broken, or you feel like a problem, or you feel [00:22:00] dissatisfaction, there is a better solution than just forcing sex, faking an orgasm, or avoiding sex altogether.

There are counselors who you can talk to work through any emotional blockages you might be having. There are doctors and specialists who can help you with overcoming any pain or erection

issues. There are coaches like myself where we can sit down and we can work through figuring out where you're at and what it is that you want to be within yourself and within your relationship and find solutions for overcoming the hurdles.

Dissatisfaction is not a long term solution.

 More often than not, Both partners want to be satisfied and they want to see their partner satisfied.

And sometimes that doesn't happen right away.

So instead of trying to force an [00:23:00] outcome, or fake an outcome, or avoid an outcome, we work through it. We talk to our partners and say, hey, when you touch me this way it's not working. And again, sometimes these conversations need to happen when you're not in the middle of sex.

And usually when you're in the middle of sex, there are ways that you can coach your partner and say, oh my, the way you just did that, a hundred percent, keep doing it, please. Or, can we try shifting over here? Sometimes I'll pull out my vibrator with my partner and I'm like, have I shown you how if you touch it in this certain area in my vulva, it creates a different orgasm for me?

And he is enthusiastically being like, yes, please show me.

And that doesn't mean that I'm finding dissatisfaction with him, but I'm talking through things that bring me pleasure [00:24:00] so that he can learn that and learn my body. And then we can build even more intimacy between each other. And there are areas on his body that he doesn't like to be touched and sometimes in the middle of sex, my mind goes blank and I'm like, touching him where he doesn't want to be touched and he's can you please stop and I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, but at least he's communicating that to me in a kind way.

And I may not realize that I'm doing it, but then he tells me and I'm like, sorry, and I stopped doing what I do. I'm doing,

and then we continue on and we still both walk away satisfied.

And that's the beautiful thing about pausing, taking a step back, having the hard conversations, going to your doctor and saying, Hey, I feel like I'm wrong here, or something isn't right here. Can we please discuss it? Or reaching out to a coach like me [00:25:00] and talking through what it is that you're feeling.

Although scary! It's for the better, because then you build solutions and you build in

sexual acts that do work and do bring you to actual pleasure, if that is what you're aiming for, versus trying to fake it, or trying to force it, or trying to avoid it. One of the biggest things that I love to focus on is Not making orgasm the end result. Because orgasms change as our bodies change. There are multiple different types of orgasms.

There's clitoral orgasms internal orgasms. There's a lot of different things that orgasms can encompass. But instead I choose to focus on [00:26:00] pleasure. And pleasure can include connection. It can include your body feeling relaxed. It can include the cuddling after. It can include the intimacy shared between you and your partners.

And when we focus on pleasure, sometimes we achieve orgasm, but other times we walk away feeling satisfied and whole and connected within our bodies. So when we focus on quick fixes, we miss out on the full, true nature of pleasure. And we really only touch on maybe what we thought the end goal should be.

And from my perspective, When the focus is pleasure, that can encompass so many other things.

I remember [00:27:00] one of my past partners would feel insecure, and then they would resort to taking substances to feel

secure enough to have sex. That always left me feeling icky because

and it's one of those things where that was a quick fix for them because instead of Facing their vulnerable moments with being naked or having sex with somebody They felt it was safer to take in substances that

Made them more confident And took away the voices in their head that were telling them that you're doing something wrong. And sex with them was good, and it was, I enjoyed myself, and they actually weren't doing anything wrong. But as much as I tried to talk to them about it, It didn't, it wasn't a healing experience for [00:28:00] them, and they felt like they needed to take substances to get past those vulnerable moments.

Having sex on substances is fun, but when we make it our crutch, when we make it the one thing that gives us the confidence to continue engaging in sexual relations with somebody,

it can be damaging because then we don't truly get to learn what we love about our bodies and we don't get to truly learn what feels good for ourselves, for our partners, and we constantly seek the validation of that substance. Within our system and we think, Oh, the only reason that I'm good is because I drank or smoked or whatever the substance is that you take, we become dependent upon that [00:29:00] instead of becoming strong and confident and dependent on ourselves, we become dependent on an outside source.

And that can create problems down the road with your body, with your partnerships. Sometimes I felt insecure because I'm like, oh, they have to take this in order to have sex with me. So maybe there's something wrong with me. And I knew it wasn't about me. But that didn't stop that feeling from coming up.

I knew that they were struggling with something, but it was to help them. It wasn't because they didn't want to have sex with me.

There are many other things that can become quick fixes. And when we resort to quick fixes, they become our habits. And we all know that habits are hard to undo. So if you find that you are one of those people who uses a quick [00:30:00] fix, do not beat yourself up if tomorrow you're like, I'm getting rid of this quick fix.

And then you fall back into old habits because that's your natural rhythm. That's something you've been doing for a while and you're needing to work through undoing them. So depending upon what your quick fix is, Ask yourself, why do I do this?

Okay, I do this because it takes away my fear of being vulnerable, or at least it brings my partner pleasure. Okay, cool, you answered that question. Then ask yourself, what is it that you're truly hoping to achieve? Do you want to be able to have sex with a clear conscious mind? Do you want to be able to have sex with your partner without any pain?

Okay, great. What is it that I have to do to get there? Maybe I have to ask my [00:31:00] partner for help. Maybe I have to ask my partner like, hey, can we put a pause on sex for the next month? Because I want to work through some of these things that have come up. Or maybe we say, I want to go and talk to a doctor, but I'm afraid.

Do you think this is something you could go with me to?

And determining baby steps That you can take along the way to get to your outcome. Because we can't go from A to Z without all the letters in between.

So your solution, your resolution, isn't going to come tomorrow. And you're gonna take missteps. You're gonna fall back into your habit every once in a while. But it's recognizing, hey, I did the quick fix. What happened in the moment that caused me to do the quick fix, putting recognition to that and then stepping out and saying, okay, I know why I did that [00:32:00] now.

Here's how I can course correct and here's how I can get back on to the path that will lead me to the longterm desire that I want.

I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I am not a patient person. So it's. Very hard for me to not want to see a result right away. I have become more patient over the years. Life has forced that on me. But

everything is possible. As long as we continue to take the steps towards it. And if we hit a roadblock, we go, okay, why am I here? What do I need to do to get past this? Maybe I took a wrong turn and I tried to get somewhere too quickly. So now I need to peel back and say, what would work better?

Quick fixes are just that, quick. And when we want long term results, we have to go slow. And we have to find what works and [00:33:00] doesn't work. I wish you the best with all of that. And again, I'm here if you want to talk through any of this, work through any of it, reach out to me. Let's talk. I wish you an amazing week ahead.

And I will talk to you next week. Love you. [00:34:00]