EPISODE 27: Addressing Common Sexual Concerns for Men
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THE LOWDOWN
In this episode, we discuss various challenges that men face regarding their sexual health and performance. They cover six common concerns: erectile dysfunction, body dysphoria issues, early ejaculation, low or no sexual desire, sexual inhibition, and delayed ejaculation. The episode provides insights, possible causes, and potential resolutions for each concern. Listeners are encouraged to seek professional help and to understand that these are common issues that do not define their worth or capabilities. The episode aims to create a safe space for men to engage with their concerns without shame.
MENTIONED IN SHOW:
Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess
SHOW NOTES:
Episode begins at [00:00:54]
TRANSCRIPT:
[00:00:00] Hello, I hope that everyone is doing well today. I know I say this every week, but I [00:01:00] truly mean it. I know that with everything going on in the world, sometimes it's hard to wake up and see positivity or find the goodness and the joy throughout our day. Just today I was having a wonderful morning and then I read a message that kind of left me with a reaction. And I couldn't shake it for the longest time, called my sister, called my dad, had conversations, crying for an hour. And I just couldn't shake it until I got up and moved around and built a Laundry basket assortment thing that I got over the weekend because I'm really trying to reorganize my bedroom, my closet situation.
[00:01:51] That's how I've been spending my staycation at work. And today was my last day. And so I decided to turn my attitude around and [00:02:00] focus on something that was going to move my life forward, move my desires, my goals. My dreams forward. And right now, although I'm fingers crossed, hoping to buy a house by the end of the year, I do know that I also have to make my living situation comfortable.
[00:02:23] And the laundry situation was getting out of hand with one laundry basket, so I decided to build that assortment thing so that I have a little bit more space and can pre sort my laundry. The fun parts of adulting Yeah, it's been a good staycation. It's been nice to relax and just get a couple of things done.
[00:02:47] So I hope that your week is off to a good start. And if it's not, I hope that good things come and that you just get to find some joy or some moment of peace in the [00:03:00] coming days.
[00:03:01] Today's conversation is going to be focusing on common concerns for men when it comes to sex. There are about 10 common concerns for men. I'm sure there's more but it's 9 or 10, if I counted correctly. We're going to focus on 6 of them today. The 6 that we're going to focus on are erectile dysfunction, body dysphoria issues, Early ejaculation, low or no sexual desire, sexual inhibition, and delayed ejaculation.
[00:03:36] If you are a man who is experiencing any of these things please give it a listen. Or if you are a partner to somebody who is experiencing these, please give this podcast episode a listen and decide for yourself what is the next best step. And maybe You're not entirely sure and you're sitting here wondering, should you go to the doctor?[00:04:00]
[00:04:00] Should you talk to a coach like myself? Should you go see a therapist?
[00:04:04] There are going to be a few different directions that you can take. I Suggest taking the approach that sounds best to you and feels best to you in your gut in the moment. At the end of the day, if something isn't working, you can always change courses. And I know that's scary to think about because Oftentimes we get caught up in like the rat race of life where we want the solution here and now.
[00:04:35] We want to see the change, we want to see things work, but that's not how life works and honestly that's not how our bodies work. It might be scary to have to go and talk to a doctor about something. It might be extremely vulnerable to talk to a loved one, trusted [00:05:00] confidant, a coach, a stranger, whoever, about things that you might be struggling with, concerns that you're having. Now one thing I want to, before we dive in, give a
[00:05:13] new frame of reference to, is I don't want you to look at these things as issues. I want you Because issues tends to have a negative connotation to it. And when we refer to things as issues, we oftentimes
[00:05:29] think negatively about the thing or ourselves. And then we also oftentimes try to avoid or place shame or mask to try to pretend that the thing doesn't exist. When we do that, we further perpetuate a society that wants to not talk about these things, but also continues to ingrain in men that they [00:06:00] need to show up a hundred percent perfect. I Was having a conversation today with somebody we were recording a podcast episode on their shout out to the black man talking emotions. Dom is amazing. He's an amazing musical artist. So head over, give him a listen. I will link him in the show notes. But we were talking today just about what it's like to be a man in society and how to show up for sex as a man in society.
[00:06:29] And there's a lot of pressure. There's a lot of,
[00:06:32] how's the best way to say this? There's a lot of
[00:06:36] minds that think that a man should show up and just know what to do. And then you also have the men who have locker room talk and like to brag about what they've done with women. Because men have to stand in their sexual power to truly 100 percent be considered a [00:07:00] man from a societal, masculinity, patriarchal perspective.
[00:07:06] And obviously, Everybody has a both a masculine and a feminine side, a hard and a soft side. So when men are presented with concerns regarding their genitalia and their sex lives, it can be hard to embrace. that concern and then seek ways to either overcome it or live life with the concern or figure out ways to work with the concern. So it's important for you if you're listening to this and one of these concerns does relate to you, it's important to. Stop. Pause. And recognize that none of it says anything bad about you. These are normal, [00:08:00] common concerns. It's labeled that way for a reason, because it's common. You aren't bad for it.
[00:08:06] You're not a terrible lover. You aren't bad at sex, bad in the bedroom. Women aren't turned off by you, because You have these concerns. It's all part of normal body maturation things. We age. Our bodies go through trauma. You have external factors that play a part in some of these situations.
[00:08:34] So if you are confronted with one of these concerns, please tell yourself that you are still lovable and you are still worthy. And I know that might be hard to hear, might be uncomfortable to hear, especially as a man, because we're taught to bottle up our emotions. We're taught to not allow concerns to [00:09:00] affect us. So please know that you are lovable. You are worthy. You are still worthy of sex. With that being said, let's dive in.
[00:09:10] The first concern we will talk about is low or no sexual desire. Causes of this can be physiological, such as low testosterone, low self esteem partnership conflicts, internal conflict about masculinity, sexual performance problems, exhaustion, stress, or anxiety. I'm sure if you're on the other side of this microphone, you've experienced, if not one of these things, multiples of these things.
[00:09:41] And so it's no surprise that some of these things could be playing into you experienced low or no sexual desire. A couple of resolutions would be to talk to your doctor to determine if you need to boost your testosterone, They can [00:10:00] take blood work, test your levels. I know there are herbal remedies that people like to take, but I would highly suggest, before you explore natural homeopathic, going to your doctor and raising the concern, and getting the blood work done, instead of trying to self diagnose.
[00:10:21] Because the last thing that you want to do is screw up the hormonal levels in your body. more if testosterone is not playing into this concern.
[00:10:33] Another resolution would be to build your confidence as a lover. Maybe you are still a virgin, or maybe you haven't had sex in a few years, or you have had sex, and the feedback you've gotten, whether verbally or non verbally, makes you feel as if you are a terrible lover.
[00:10:57] You can build your confidence in this area. [00:11:00] You could talk to past partners or current partners to see what it is maybe that they actually desire. Maybe there are areas that you can improve upon. Now, I understand that this would require a lot of vulnerability and a lot of taking in feedback that you may or may not want to hear, and that can be difficult.
[00:11:25] If this is an approach that you're willing to take, perhaps you talk to your partner about having this conversation around a third party source so that You can make sure that things are done in a healthy manner. Conversations are had in a healthy manner, or maybe you would prefer if they write you a note or they send you a voice memo, I would stray away from a text message cause those can be impersonal.
[00:11:53] And then if you do decide to have your partner leave you a voice memo or write you a letter, I still suggest [00:12:00] coming together in person and having a conversation to dive in more. Just because things could be taken out of context or maybe you need to elaborate a little bit more on what the person intended.
[00:12:15] So if this is an area that you need to work on, building your confidence as a lover, there's a long list of things that you could do. But at the end of the day, what it comes down to is it's feeling good in your body. And the best way to feel good in your body is to receive feedback from partners and then work through different ways that you can improve or navigate or initiate or any of the sorts based on that feedback you receive. A third resolution is an arousal device. This can be penis pump, or there are some sex toys out there for men [00:13:00] that, I am blanking on the words right now, cock ring, thinking, I'm like, what was that? There are things that you can put on your penis that can feel good. Maybe there are things that your partner could use that will make you feel good. Explore different sex toys. Think a lot of people try to shy away from sex toys, especially men, because we're afraid of being emasculated and a sex toy would elicit that response. But toys are meant to enhance pleasure. So if you have low or no sexual desire and you're trying to find ways to enhance that desire and increase it and have sex with your partner, look into different sex toys because they will help. All right. The next concern we're going to talk about is early ejaculation. Some causes for this are masturbation style, shyness or [00:14:00] overexcitement. performance anxiety, or type A personality. When it comes to early ejaculation, this tends to exhibit in people who grew up in religious or conservative households, and the reason for that is because When you begin to explore your body as a teenager going through puberty and you're in a household that is ultra conservative and you're being told you can't masturbate, sex is a sin, or maybe you're in a household where You shared a room with a sibling, or there was one bathroom, and so you were rushed for time, or perhaps your parents wouldn't allow you to have your bedroom doors closed, so you didn't have privacy. You were left to feel that desire, the pleasure, from [00:15:00] sex. in a quick manner. And so you learned, you masturbate quickly, you learned that somebody could come around the corner any minute and catch you. And so That could create shyness or sometimes overexcitement depending upon the different emotions that came up for you about getting caught, or maybe it led to performance anxiety because that fear of getting caught, or that fear of getting in trouble and reprimanded for sinning, I used air quotes there, left you feeling anxious.
[00:15:41] And so now you might be in the bedroom with a partner and your body relates sex, relates these feel good feelings to anxiety and you might not know what your body actually likes. [00:16:00] And so you might get in your head and you might think, Oh my gosh, I need to come. I need to, I just need to make this happen. I need to get this over with. Because I've been told that this is bad or I've been told that I need to finish quickly or taught or whatever the situation might be and so then you get in your head and then all of a sudden the next thing you know is you're ejaculating sooner than you want it. Or if you have a type personality you might want things regimented and so You might be somebody who is like, all right, , my partner's going to lay down on the bed and I'm going to climb on top of them and I'm going to pump five times and That I'm going to be done and that is just like the routine that you have established that you like and There is no Going outside of those borders. So some resolutions for this could be medical intervention [00:17:00] Maybe if your anxiety is too powerful that you just can't get outside of your head, perhaps you need to talk to a therapist or medical doctor, medical professionals of any sort, and get prescribed a medication for anxiety to try to take that pressure off of you. We can learn control through our masturbation styles. We can learn the different signals that our bodies are telling us. We can do self training. There's a six step self training exercise you could do. And this is when you learn mental focus on what exactly your body is telling you through your pleasure. And the best way to do this is Through masturbation and then going from practicing it with masturbation to practicing it with a partner You're [00:18:00] going to spend time recognizing your ejaculatory inevitability, which is the point of no return. All penises have that and then once you recognize that point The next time you go and masturbate, you're going to start to listen to your body and start to recognize the pre ejaculation inevitability signs. Do you start to sweat? Do you get goosebumps on a certain part of your body? Do you notice that your cheeks flush? What signs is your body telling you? And you get start to get in touch with the arousal phase. What is turning you on? What is making your penis hard? What is the starting point of your body becoming aroused?
[00:18:51] Another step in this self training exercise is the squeeze technique, and that's when you use your Kegel muscles. To [00:19:00] squeeze and refrain from actually ejaculating and pulling back and slowing down
[00:19:08] as we recognize the different moments and reactions in our bodies we can then when we're with a partner if we're thrusting inside of our partner or our partner's giving us a blow job or a hand job When we start to feel the arousal, , can maybe pause and take a break and focus on our partner and bring them to arousal.
[00:19:34] And then we can come back to us and say, okay, I'm aroused now. Let's continue. And then when you start to feel those pre ejaculatory inevitability signs, then you can again, stop thrusting or ask your partner to pause, change position, change the focus. Maybe back to your partner, and then every single time we start to get close [00:20:00] to that edge, getting close to that ejaculatory inevitability moment, we get to back off because we recognize the signs. And then when we are absolutely 100 percent ready to ejaculate, you get to keep going. And that can be a way that you can prolong your ejaculation.
[00:20:23] Now the opposite of early ejaculation is delayed ejaculation. This is often caused by medical conditions, maybe of high blood pressure, or , sorry off the top of my head, I don't remember all the conditions, but you might have certain medical conditions. Maybe you have intimacy issues with your partner, or maybe your partner has issues.
[00:20:46] that is causing you to have delayed ejaculation. Some resolutions for this, obviously medical intervention if you have any medical conditions, and if you do have delayed ejaculation and you [00:21:00] haven't been tested by your doctor for medical conditions or you're concerned about this please go and talk to your doctor about this because,
[00:21:10] the sooner these medical conditions are caught, the sooner that interventions can be brought in and make your life easier. Maybe you need to be put on a prescription that can help with this. And if you're having intimacy issues with a partner, talk to a therapist, talk to a coach, and work through what maybe those issues might be. Sometimes our partners May not be treating us correctly and therefore we don't want to have sex or it might be impeding our sex Through delayed ejaculation or other sorts of things please talk to a trusted source on this if you're not feeling safe Or maybe your partner has some health issues or [00:22:00] sexual concerns that they need to explore and it may be having you feel anxiety or concern for them and Then you get in your head and you're not able to complete. So I highly recommend talking to a third party source, talking to your partner. If you don't feel safe with your partner, please reach out and get help. The fourth concern is erectile dysfunction. This can be caused by blood flow issues, medications, diseases, psychological issues, relationship issues.
[00:22:39] Sometimes.
[00:22:40] We hear the word dysfunction and we get in our heads about something being wrong, something broken with yourself, with your penis. And I want you to know that you're not broken. Your penis isn't broken, especially as you age, [00:23:00] you're going to recognize That your body is going to change. And if you have certain diseases, it could create blood flow issues. It could create anatomical
[00:23:13] issues with your penis. So it's important to get on medication or to talk to a doctor to see what can be done about that. The other thing you could use is you can use mechanical devices. We talked earlier about sex toys. They're great. They're great. The most common medication we often hear about is like Viagra. See, Alice might be another one. I could be wrong on that. I'm not a doctor, so please don't quote me,
[00:23:42] but medications or sex toys can greatly help in those areas. Other things that could help obviously are improving your health. That will improve your body, improve your hormones, but then it could also take you off the medication if you no longer need it, [00:24:00] which is always healthy for our bodies. You can do behavioral training.
[00:24:05] Which works through
[00:24:06] the cause and effect of what's going on in your head and in your body when you experience erectile dysfunction. Another resolution is , couples coaching. If you are experiencing hardships with your partner that mentally could lead to a blockage, that could create erectile dysfunction. Another concern is sexual inhibition. Some causes of this are sex negative messages, again growing up in a household that is ultra conservative, that is religious, being told that it's bad or wrong, being reprimanded if you're caught, being told that masturbation is a sin, or that sex with a man is wrong, you name it.
[00:24:58] Another cause is long [00:25:00] term virginity. Especially for men, this one can be to work through because oftentimes, again, your masculinity is like formed around your sex life as a teenager, young adult. And so if you're still a virgin, well into a later age, you might feel like you are , less of a man, or that you can't provide anything to a person, or that there's something wrong with you.
[00:25:32] We've seen like movies created around this, the 40 year old virgin and other things.
[00:25:38] The storyline is that you're the laughing stock. And so you learn from a young age that if you were a virgin past a certain age that everybody can make fun of you or that you're a loser or any of the sorts of talk and conversation and [00:26:00] ideations that pop up in your head. Another cause could be a negative sexual experience.
[00:26:06] Unfortunately, negative sexual experiences aren't just reserved for women. They do happen to men especially younger boys. And so maybe you have had a traumatic experience, and if that is you, first of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. But if you have not sought out counselor, I highly suggest it because they can help you work through and process the emotions that come up with that.
[00:26:36] It's obviously, to revisit those moments is scary, especially in a society that frowns upon men having had negative sexual experiences. Again, society teaches men. Your power comes from your sex life and it needs to be great. It needs to be, you have to be dominant. You have to be amazing in bed. [00:27:00] You have to do this.
[00:27:02] You have to do that. And if you aren't the one taking charge, and if you aren't the one doing everything in your power to have the greatest sex or to make sure that you are being amazing and being in charge and being the powerful one and being the dominant one that You're weak and that can lead to a spiral in your head of okay I have had negative sexual experiences I have been taken advantage of I have had things happen to me and therefore I am weak and I am just not worthy of having sex.
[00:27:42] So please seek a therapist. If you've had negative sexual experiences that you haven't processed yet, they can really help there. Some resolutions give yourself permission to have great sex, to have a sex positive life. [00:28:00] To have sex in general especially if you're a long term virgin, that can be scary to have sex at a later age because more than likely the person you've been with has been experienced and so your brain is probably going to do the story of, Oh my God, I suck.
[00:28:19] I suck this. I'm not good. They're not enjoying themselves. You're going to get in your head. Give yourself permission, one, to have sex when you're ready, no pressure, but then two, , enjoy it, and have great sex, and redirect any thoughts that come up that tell you otherwise, because even if you're not good at sex today, you can learn to be good at it, and the one thing to remember is every single partner that you're going to be with in life, Even if it's just one person, sex isn't going to be the same all the time.
[00:28:56] Sex is constantly evolving. If something [00:29:00] didn't work yesterday, and it's working today, cool. maybe something worked yesterday, but isn't working today. That's okay. People's bodies change. We've talked about this in past episodes that external factors happen. Maybe they had a bad day at work.
[00:29:18] Maybe you had a bad day at work and redirect those thoughts and don't take it so personally. If sex didn't go so well that day, we can always improve. We can always learn. We can always change up our game and make it fun, make it pleasurable, make it long lasting. And then another resolution is to explore new forms of sexual expression. What do you like? What do you enjoy? You don't have to stay doing missionary the rest of your life.
[00:29:54] Maybe you want to try something new. Explore a different realm of sex. Maybe you want to open your [00:30:00] partnership up. Maybe you haven't had sex yet and now you're ready to. Or maybe you haven't been in the game in a while, and you want to start dating, you want to start exploring. Or maybe you have come to the conclusion that your sexuality Where you thought you were heterosexual, for the last four or five years, all of a sudden you're like, I have a crush on somebody else, and I want to explore that.
[00:30:29] Explore it. You are not stuck in the story or the narrative of your sex life at 13, at 18, at 25. It's constantly evolving. Welcome that evolution and give yourself permission to explore it. But please, with that permission, Recognize that you cannot harm somebody else just because you want to do it [00:31:00] doesn't mean that everybody else has to be willing to do it.
[00:31:02] So have conversations with your partners. Explore these things in a safe and secure manner. The last concern for men that I want to talk about is body dysphoria. Some causes are no basis for comparison or testing attractiveness. And what I mean by this is you might think that your partner finds somebody attractive, and therefore you can't be attractive. You're constantly trying to find someone or something to compare yourself to, or finding people to test your attractiveness. And this can be seen in a lot of different ways. Maybe you are out there having sex with a bunch of people because you don't feel good in your body and you need that validation.
[00:31:59] [00:32:00] Or maybe you're not having sex because you don't think that you are desirable. Another cause is uneven desire in the relationship. Maybe you want to have sex five times a week and your partner only wants it once. Or maybe you're the person who only wants it once a week and your partner wants more.
[00:32:21] And then being sexually inexperienced. If you are still a virgin, or you've only had sex once, or the sex that you've had has been missionary and you haven't explored other areas, and so you feel Like you lack an experience, it can create body dysphoria. The resolutions for this are reframing. So if you're comparing yourself to people or assuming that your partner is comparing you to people, let's reframe our mindset around that. Every single human looks different. Yeah, there are times [00:33:00] where you're like, that's a doppelganger of so and but every single human is meant to look different and we're all attracted to different people. I know that people that I'm attracted to are not the same people that my best friends are attracted to and sometimes people have a type, but also oftentimes that type is thrown out the door when you actually find the person that you connect the most with. So let's reframe our comparison to other people to maybe Hey, I look different than that person, but I'm still sexy. I'm still desirable. My partner likes to be with me.
[00:33:41] My partner likes to take their clothes off in front of me and with me and likes to be intimate with me and focus instead of on the external world and focus on the internal. Focus on being in the moment with your partner. Another resolution [00:34:00] is this one's a. Real issue, especially with men. Porn is not real life. Oftentimes. Men are introduced to porn at a young age, a very young age. And so you grow up thinking this is what sex needs to look like. I need to be able to perform or look or my penis needs to look a certain way.
[00:34:27] I have had ex boyfriends who have told me that I can't possibly like them because I've got a big ass and therefore desire a black penis.
[00:34:40] And it blew my mind out of the water because what does my ass have to do with somebody else's penis? I'm with my partner because I'm with my partner and they have been fixated on what is shown in porn. And they've shown me these [00:35:00] porn episodes that they've watched. And I have sat there saying that's not what I want.
[00:35:06] And that's oftentimes fake. Or a, a, oh gosh, I'm blanking on what they call it. It doesn't matter. Like, I sit here and I want to be with the person that I am with. But porn has shown people false penis sizes. Because in reality, it's all about the angle of the camera. And sometimes they use penis pumps to make them bigger.
[00:35:35] Sometimes they use attachments, I forget exactly what they're called, but basically like they add extra growth, like inches, and, or girth, and what you're seeing in porn isn't reality, and so to think that your partner needs to be with a certain penis size based off a stereotype, [00:36:00] or based off of what you've seen in porn,
[00:36:02] because that is what is perpetuated can really create body dysphoria. So we need to recognize that porn is not real life. Your partner more than likely wants to be with you for a multitude of reasons and your penis may or may not be one of those penis and I have loved my been different shapes
[00:36:29] and sizes. And not once have I ever compared their penis size or their penis girth or what they do with their penis or their mouth or positions to what I've seen in porn. So recognize that porn is not real life. It's acting. It's entertainment. And when we try to take what we see in porn and bring it into the bedroom [00:37:00] with our actual partners. It can create problems, so
[00:37:06] recognize that it's not real and change your mind to focus on what is present in front of your face
[00:37:17] and work with your partner on what you both desire. The last resolution for this is self acceptance. Nowadays, it's easy to go see a plastic surgeon and change things, but man, I would love for everyone to just wake up
[00:37:35] all on the same day and have this epiphany moment of, I am enough just the way that I am. It would make our lives so much easier in a lot of ways, both men and women.
[00:37:53] If you're feeling uncomfortable with your body, if you're feeling uncomfortable with your sex life, if you're [00:38:00] having body dysphoria, work on self acceptance. You can always make improvements. If you're overweight, you can go to the gym and lose weight. You can eat healthier. You can seek out medical help, hopefully not in the form of plastic surgery, but in the form of let's improve my health.
[00:38:18] You can learn to love your body. You can learn to see your body through the eyes of your partner, talk to your partner, ask them what they love about you, and then until you can accept that yourself, allow their words to penetrate and make you feel good. Those are the top six concerns for men when it comes to sex. I hope that this episode has allowed you to gain some insight. Into things and
[00:38:50] if you have any questions, please reach out. I would love to talk to you about your concern I would love to dive in deeper with you [00:39:00] or Direct you and the right direction to go for your concern And again, if at all you have a concern with your health or your body or your penis and you're not sure what's going on The number one spot to start is to go to a doctor and have them run blood tests and have them look over your charts.
[00:39:23] Sometimes we can get a diagnosis, other times we need to explore things a little bit more. And then once you have the answer, then you can go from there and figure out what your next step is. Because without the answer, you can't fix it.
[00:39:40] So please, if you have a concern,
[00:39:42] work on being vulnerable and seek help. Because at the end of the day, You're worth it. Your sex life is worth it.
[00:39:51] You're normal. You're not broken. You're not wrong. You're not bad for any of it. It's all [00:40:00] part of normal sex ebbs and flows.
[00:40:04] I hope you have a great rest of the day and I look forward to sharing with you top concerns, common concerns for women next week. Love you all. [00:41:00]
