EPISODE 28: Common Concerns for Women in Sexual Health: Understanding and Overcoming Blocks

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THE LOWDOWN

In this episode, the discussion revolves around the top six common sexual concerns for women, including low or no sexual desire, pre-orgasmic primary and secondary issues, dyspareunia, body dysphoria, and sexual inhibitions.

Causes, such as aging, relationship conflicts, body image issues, fatigue, history of abuse, lack of sexual education for partners, and sexually repressive upbringings are explored. Practical resolutions are suggested, including medical consultations, seeking therapy, enhancing communication with partners, and exploring self-help techniques to embrace one’s sexuality and ensure an enjoyable sex life.

The episode emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance, open communication, and ongoing personal growth for sexual fulfillment.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, I hope that your summer is going well. I can't believe that we're already in July and that for some of us, for parents, our children are going to be going back to school in about a month and a half. I personally don't have children, but I do have teacher friends. I do have a bunch of friends with children, so I know a lot of them are trying to get all of their trips out of the before the end of summer. So I hope that whatever you're doing, if you have children, don't have children, hope that you are enjoying your summer. I was doing some ingredient prep with my friend the other day, and we both during the prepping, we felt good. We were like, yeah, we're not as tired as last week. This is going better.

[00:00:51] Our bodies don't hurt as much from standing on the hardwood floor. All this kind of stuff, and then I was driving home, and I get to a certain [00:01:00] intersection close to home, and I just drooped down. I was like, oh, I'm so tired. This heat is really getting to me. Like, You don't think you Or affected by it if you're in the house all day, but it can be exhausting and we were out in the morning Running to grocery stores and the farmer's markets and the heat had already been super high at that time So please stay safe.

[00:01:26] Please take care of yourself If you need rest take rest as needed because it's really important to our bodies that we rest When our bodies are asking for rest needless to say You came home and I sat on the couch intending to watch a TV show and I fell asleep and I napped for about 40 minutes and then got up and had dinner and then I went to bed and I passed out. So I hope you're enjoying your summer. Get rest when you need it. Stay safe in the heat [00:02:00] but have a great amount of time doing whatever that you're doing. Last week we talked about the common concerns of men when it comes to sex. This week we're going to talk about the common concerns of women. The top six common concerns for women include low or no sexual desire, pre orgasmic primary, pre orgasmic secondary, dyspareunia, body dysphoria issues, and sexual inhibitions. Some of these are going to be similar to Those of the men, but we are still going to dive in nonetheless, because it is important to look at things from a perspective of a woman. The first one we're going to talk about is low or no sexual desire. Some of the main causes of this can include aging, which we all know that women or vulva [00:03:00] owners go through menopause. We have changes within our hormones, that create changes within our sexual organs and our periods, when we go through menopause, they start to increase until they no longer exist.

[00:03:19] We have hot flashes. Our libidos can change due to menopause. Our lubrication can change due to menopause. The changes in the hormones not only affect our periods, but they also affect our sexual desires and everything pertaining to sex. relationship conflicts. We know that majority of the time when women feel disconnected from a partner or overwhelmed by household tasks, their desire to have sex tends to decrease. Because the female desire to have [00:04:00] sex majority of the time relies on that intimate emotional connection. If you're having relationship issues, you might find yourself in that realm of not desiring sex. Body image issues, we have been taught for centuries. That our bodies are desirable based on what society deems as beautiful, deems as sexy, deems as hot. And it can be a lot of conflicting conversations, words, ideas in your head that make you desire sex less. Maybe you don't feel sexy. Maybe there's something going on with your partner where they're not telling you that you're beautiful. They're not telling you that you're sexy. Or maybe you are working [00:05:00] on trying to be more beautiful or more sexy.

[00:05:04] Not that you need to work on it because it comes natural. You're just beautiful. You're just sexy. But, I know often times, as women, we try to work on our appearances. We try to either fit society's standards or maybe we hear our partners and they're saying like, hey, I would like it if you wore more lingerie, or maybe for yourself, you're sitting here thinking that okay, I've had a few kids, or I'm older now, I've gained a little bit of weight from stress, whatever the case may be, and you're not feeling sexy in your body.

[00:05:46] And so you start to go to the gym, or you start to eat more nutritious food, and you want to hear from your partner that they see you. They see the work that you're [00:06:00] putting in. They see the changes that you're making. Because, Getting that feedback will make you feel prettier or sexier to yourself and to your partner. There can be a lot of different angles in which body image issues can come up. It can be from self, We all know that because we've been told stories and narratives, , from society, we have these ideas in our head on what we need to look like in order to be sexy. So when we do have intimate moments with our partners, we might not feel sexy and it could create us to have those walls up when it comes time to having sex with your partner.

[00:06:52] Or maybe you block yourself off. You keep the lights off. You keep your clothes on. You do [00:07:00] things to prevent yourself from fully, 100 percent showing up in your natural beauty for that intimate moment.

[00:07:09] Another cause of low or no sexual desire. is fatigue, which kind of plays into what I said earlier with the relationship conflicts, in that you might have a lot on your plate. You might be raising children, taking care of household tasks, working a nine to five, hanging out with your friends, trying to have playdates for your children, going to sporting events for your children, whatever. Maybe you don't even have children and you just have a shit ton of stuff on your plate. Work. Home, relationships, friendships, goals in life, when you might feel exhausted, and obviously when we're exhausted, the last thing that we want to do is have sex, because it's a workout, takes effort, mental, physical, [00:08:00] emotional effort. Another cause, and this one might be tricky for some people, might be abuse. Depending upon your history, you may have had traumatic experiences in the past that have you guarded, that have you protecting your heart, protecting your body. Rightfully so. and that abuse is sitting in your body, and in order to protect yourself, you either don't want to have sex at all, or you want to have sex, but you do have fear. And so it's far and few between when you do have sex. And then another cause is an unskilled partner.

[00:08:44] I'm sure at this point, majority of us have heard that. The statistics when it comes to female orgasms in heterosexual relationships.

[00:08:55] Female orgasms tend to happen more in lesbian [00:09:00] relationships than they do in heterosexual relationships. And a lot of that comes from

[00:09:05] what we're taught about sex growing up. We aren't taught about the anatomy of a vulva or a vagina. We aren't taught about erogenous zones for females. We aren't taught that the clitoris is far more expansive than just the little clit that we see at the vulva. We aren't taught that female pleasure Usually, for the most part, creates orgasm from clitoral stimulation versus penis and vagina. And a lot of males aren't taught that it takes longer for women to cum than it does for a man. Or that we can have continuous back to back orgasms because of the way that our anatomy is set up. So we may have a partner who hasn't been taught any of this. And so If [00:10:00] our partner isn't open to learning or we're struggling to share how we feel about our sexual relationship with that partner, then it could lead to you not wanting to have sex. So some resolutions for this. If you're around the age of perimenopause, menopause, postmenopause, please check with your doctor, get medical tests. and see if any of your low libido has anything to do with your hormone. And sometimes it might even be important to have that conversation with your medical doctor, even if you're not around menopause time.

[00:10:40] And the reason for that is hormone levels do affect sex, or perhaps you're on a medication for something else and it's affecting your libido. So we want to make sure that we rule out anything medical.

[00:10:55] The next thing to look at is take a step [00:11:00] back. What do your relationships look like? What does your life look like? Are there any stressors or things causing you to be overwhelmed, tired, that you could pinpoint to and say, if that changed, my sex life could change. If you have a history of abuse, the best thing to do I've mentioned it before is to find a therapist if you don't already have one to work through those feelings and emotions that come up for you. It'll be very important to get that help, to get that support, to work through and process what happened to you in order to allow your body to feel safe to move forward in your relationship.

[00:11:50] This is especially important if sex is something that you highly desire. I think it's important in general. But you [00:12:00] need to feel safe in your body. I want you to feel safe in your body. Please, Reach out, ask for help, find a therapist that you feel safe with, who can help you process all of that.

[00:12:14] And if you feel comfortable enough doing it, share these feelings with your partner, because allowing them to be aware of what does and doesn't make you feel safe in the bedroom is going to make you feel more comfortable having sex. Obviously, please do that when you feel comfortable enough and feel like you have processed your emotions to a point where you can share that with your partner.

[00:12:46] And then when it comes to the unskilled partner, highly recommend talking to your partner, letting them know what you are or aren't feeling, asking them, Hey, what is your knowledge when [00:13:00] it comes to this? Is this something that we can sit down and learn together? Because maybe you're lacking knowledge.

[00:13:06] Maybe you grew up in a household that didn't talk about this, or you grew up in a community that this was very hush hush, and so you yourself don't know enough about your body and want to learn more.

[00:13:20] Okay, the next common concern is sexual inhibitions. Some causes for this could be sexually repressive childhood, incidents of shame or ridicule, or long term virginity. Now, I don't know if you can see the common thread in all three of those, but when I look at the causes for sexual inhibition, I see the common thread in the sense of you likely grew up in a conservative household, a conservative community, maybe a religious community.

[00:13:56] Or, you were very [00:14:00] sheltered majority of your life.

[00:14:02] Obviously, when we grow up in places, households, or communities that tell us that sex is bad, or if we are caught masturbating, or exploring our bodies, or having relations with somebody else, if you grew up in a community that is afraid of sex, there are going to be repercussions. You're going to be told that you're wrong, you're going to be potentially hit or grounded depending upon the type of punishment they do. And unfortunately, that causes you to grow up and be fearful of having sex.

[00:14:43] I've shared before that, through my church, they took us to like a night conversation, I forget what to call it, but a seminar. Where a couple spoke, and the couple talked about how if you have premarital sex, you're gonna get herpes. And it [00:15:00] scared the ever living crap out of me. And I, for the longest time, didn't trust anybody to have sex with them. And so therefore, it delayed my having sex. Waited until I was 27. Not just because of that incident, but it didn't help. So when we grow up in sexually repressive times, households, or when we are ridiculed, or told that we are a shame, or a disappointment, or we are taught that sex is going to be the end of us, or that we're going to get pregnant, or that it's not okay to even learn about your body, or feel good in your body, we, in turn, don't necessarily feel safe and don't necessarily feel comfortable [00:16:00] having sex as we get older. I know a lot of my college age friends when I was in college would have sex and then they'd cry and repent and feel guilty because they sinned. And they're going to go to hell for having sex. And if that's your religion and that's your belief, by all means, please 100 percent believe in it, but also recognize that there is a healthy way to look at sex, but also still wait for marriage and also still maintain quote unquote innocence until you found your lifelong partner.

[00:16:45] I'm not shaming religious beliefs around sex and purity. But, it's the unhealthy conversations around it, and the toxicity around it, that [00:17:00] especially for us females, really affects our viewpoints when it comes to sex. We aren't sure what to do. We aren't sure what our body needs. We aren't sure what pleasure looks like for the vagina, and the vulva, and the clitoris, and ourselves.

[00:17:20] Because the focus is always on pleasing the husband, doing what's right for the man, making sure that you have children, making sure that you're procreating. So you grow up either being afraid or not sure what to do. So resolution for this is really honestly think about Where this is stemming from, is it stemming from you masturbating when you were a child, which is natural and normal to explore your body as a child.

[00:17:51] It's natural and normal to explore your body at all ages. So maybe at some point in your childhood you were doing this [00:18:00] and somebody walked in and yelled at you. Maybe like me, you had a church session where you were taught, this is bad. If you do this, then you're going to get this. If you have sex, then you're going to get pregnant.

[00:18:14] Another resolution is, give yourself permission. If you've figured out what the root cause is, tell yourself, that no longer serves me. I am a whole human, who is an adult, who can make conscious decisions, can consent to having sex. can consent to pleasure within my body, and therefore I give myself permission to have sex. It might take a little bit of work, might take a little bit of continuously telling yourself this, but give yourself that permission.

[00:18:51] And maybe similar to the last example of low or no sexual desire. . you don't know what you're doing, you can [00:19:00] always learn. So maybe you've never had sex before, and you're about to have sex with a partner for the first time, and you're nervous, thinking you're going to do something wrong. You can prepare yourself by reading up on things, asking questions to somebody you trust, you can schedule a call with me and we can talk, but also talk to your partner and see what it is that they like, because every body is different. So we want to make sure that we're not just going in blindly and being like, I have to do. everything on here to make sure that this person enjoys themselves. But it's not just about enjoying themselves. It's also about you enjoying yourself. So have conversations with your partner. Don't be afraid to pause in the middle of sex and ask them, are you enjoying this?

[00:19:53] Can I do something better? Hey, do you mind moving your hand over here? Hey, do you mind? [00:20:00] Slowing down with the tongue.

[00:20:02] Explain. Have conversations. Ask questions. It might feel unsexy to do so. but it's going to open up your mind to becoming the skilled lover that you want to become.

[00:20:17] And also as mentioned in that last viewpoint, look at different movies, read erotica books, explore pole dancing or belly dancing,

[00:20:28] find things and explore things. that bring you into your body and help you feel

[00:20:36] your sexual desires, help you feel sexy, help you feel like you could be good at what you are setting out to do, which is have sex.

[00:20:49] Okay, so we just talked about how sexually repressive childhood could lead to sexual inhibition. Another thing that it could lead to [00:21:00] is pre orgasmic primary, and this is you cannot reach orgasm with a partner or with yourself.

[00:21:09] Causes of this, as I just mentioned, a sexually repressive upbringing, perhaps you had childhood abuse or shaming, ignorance about your body and sex, and perhaps you had a lack of privacy growing up or you currently have lack of privacy. So the first thing you're going to want to do is look at your history. And think about your sexual evolution. What did your parents tell you about sex? What did school tell you about sex? If you went to church, what did church tell you about sex? All of these things create narratives in our head that can create blockages within our bodies. We might have the desire to have sex, we might get turned on, we might enjoy the beginning stages of sex, being [00:22:00] aroused and brought close to orgasm.

[00:22:03] But then when it actually comes time to achieve orgasm, there's some type of block. There's something cutting us off from doing so. So let's look at your childhood history. Let's look at your upbringing. Let's look at the different causes and historical things that have happened that could be creating that blockage. Another resolution is

[00:22:28] Looking at self help books there are a couple of great ones out there. Sex for One by Betty Dodson, For Yourself by Lonnie Barbak. I think there's Come As You Are, I forget the author off the top of my head, but these are great. Books to read, to figure out your body, and figure out what sex means to you. And obviously, having a lack of privacy growing up, or maybe privacy now, [00:23:00] you're taught you have to be quiet in order to achieve orgasm. You have to make things go really fast. And so maybe you don't always get the opportunity to actually come to completion because you're trying to speed things up and you're trying to just get like a quick fix in there.

[00:23:18] And so an actual orgasm isn't possible. And so you never really took the time to explore your body and get to know what it really means. Or maybe you and your partner just haven't had the space to be able to explore each other's bodies to the full potential. of achieving that orgasm. Find a space that you don't lack privacy. Rent a hotel room. Move into another place. Or now that you have your own space where you don't lack privacy, pull back and begin to explore your body as if it's new territory. Because maybe you didn't get the proper exploration growing up. And one side note here is, I've said it before, our [00:24:00] bodies are always changing. Constantly explore. Constantly find the time and the space to try new things. Because you might be surprised by the way that your body reacts to something. The other resolution that you can have here is body coaching, and that's working with a coach where we work through different sensations that happen from head to toe. Obviously, when it comes to coaching, body coaching, your coach should not be physically touching you. They should just be verbally coaching you through comfortability on touching yourself in different areas. So please make sure that if you do seek out body coaching, it's with a safe, reputable coach.

[00:24:46] Because we don't want to place extra harm on our bodies.. that was pre orgasmic primary, which is where you cannot orgasm with either a partner or yourself. Then there's pre orgasmic secondary. [00:25:00] Where you're able to reach orgasm via masturbation, but you're not able to with a partner. So some causes here could be lack of trust, fear of intimacy, inability to let go, you have an unskilled partner, insufficient mental arousal, lack of permission from yourself, pattern of faking your orgasm, sexual ignorance, or poor communication skills with your partner.

[00:25:28] Now you've heard me say it before on podcast. Do not fake your orgasm. I don't. If I don't orgasm, I tell my partner I didn't orgasm. I don't put a blame on them,

[00:25:40] but I don't. I don't always orgasm, for various reasons,

[00:25:44] maybe I'm in my head, maybe I'm tired, maybe there's a lot of shit happening in life and I'm just like, sorry, can't get there, or maybe I'm just not feeling safe and secure in my body at the moment. Things [00:26:00] happen, but if you're never able to reach orgasm, then let's work on identifying the pleasure blocks. Because if you're able to reach orgasm with yourself and not with your partner, what is going on?

[00:26:13] Did something happen when you were younger, such as abuse, that makes you close up when you're with somebody else?

[00:26:21] Did childhood ideas teach you that intimacy is wrong, sex is wrong, unless you're doing it to procreate?

[00:26:32] Do you have too many external factors infiltrating your brain and preventing you from being able to shut off and fully go into your body and just be present with your partner?

[00:26:46] Are you telling yourself that you're not allowed to orgasm? That you're wrong for orgasming, whether or not that's because of childhood upbringing and childhood narratives, or maybe past partners [00:27:00] just haven't taken the time to get you to orgasm. And so you're telling yourself, I can't, and that in of itself is a blockage.

[00:27:11] Or maybe you've been taught that you need to fake your orgasm so that your partner finishes quick. Or that it's all about the male pleasure, penis and vagina, and not clitoral stimulation. And so you're like, cool, my partner's done, I'm not allowed to feel anything. And so you fake your orgasm to make them think that you've come, so that they'll finish. Maybe you're not able to tell your partner what you need, so figure out what the pleasure block is coming from, and then reframe that experience. If you're faking your orgasms, tell yourself, stop faking your orgasm. Be honest with your partner, hey, I didn't come. Know that you're finished, [00:28:00] but would you mind using my vibrator on me, going down on me, fingering me?

[00:28:06] Do you think that we could put my pleasure first? Communicate that. Do you think we could wait until I orgasm and then you come? Ask your partner for what you need. Share with your partner what makes you feel comfortable. Maybe you need reprieve at the end of the day, but you're too overwhelmed because you've got a list of things that you have to get done around the house. Ask your partner to help you with that, so that way you can clear the mental blockage, drop it off at the bedroom door, and enter your bedroom free minded, so that you can Be present with your partner and be present with your body.

[00:28:45] Seek a therapist if you need to work through some of these blockages, whether abuse or maybe you grew up in a conservative Christian household and you're so wound up from the [00:29:00] stories you've been told. That you need to work through it and process it and empower yourself to feel good in your body and embrace your sexuality as a positive.

[00:29:12] Explore erotica, grab some movies, read some books, listen to some audio, and work towards your orgasm. It's not going to happen overnight. So don't put that expectation on yourself. And you might get into a rhythm where you're constantly orgasming. And then something happens and you don't beat yourself up for that. Like I said, I have my moments. It's natural. Life happens.

[00:29:40] Life is shitty and it happens. Work towards it. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen right away. Don't allow your partner to beat themselves up. Don't allow your partner to make you feel bad. Especially if you're changing to not faking your orgasm. Talk to your partner about [00:30:00] it. Guarantee you, your partner is going to want to make you feel good. And they're going to want to do what they can in their power to make you feel good. So work through it. Work on it. Communicate. Have conversations.

[00:30:15] The next concern is dyspareunia, and what dyspareunia is it's painful sex. The three most common forms are pelvic pain disorders, vulvar pain disorders, and caused from extreme vaginal dryness. So the resolutions for this are first address and rule out any physical aspects that may be causing the pain. Highly suggest going to a , medical professional, , and talking to them about it. Now we often hear that medical professionals dismiss women when it comes to their pain. So if the first doctor doesn't hear you, find another doctor. [00:31:00] Or continue to advocate for yourself and tell your doctor they need to take you seriously.

[00:31:08] Some great sources could be your gynecologist, sexual health center, or a urologist. Make sure you find one that specializes in female sexual conditions. Because often times, like I mentioned, doctors will dismiss pain. caused or pain being caused in women. Unfortunately, that's the way our medical system is set up.

[00:31:36] A lot of studies are done on men and women are thought to just be able to endure pain, unfortunately. Once you've ruled out anything physical or worked on that, then you would begin to work on the psychological aspect.

[00:31:53] Maybe you have to work through some things, blockages with therapists.

[00:31:57] But if you've done all of that, then you [00:32:00] can start to work on things like arousal techniques. What feels good against your skin? What turns you on? Are there certain phrases, or words, or sounds? Is there a certain type of music? Do you like to read something? Do you want your partner to sext you throughout the day?

[00:32:18] Do you like it when your partner comes up behind you and grabs you? Or maybe you have to talk to your partner about using different lubricants, trying different things. Because sometimes natural lubricants aren't enough, especially as you begin to age. You tend to dry out, and so using lubrication will help. Obviously there's silicone, oil, water based lubricants. Find ones that work for you. Everybody's going to be different. Personally prefer coconut oil. It feels good. It tastes good. It smells good. And it balances the pH of a vagina. But [00:33:00] explore that. Some other options I'm not sure if you guys have heard of O Nut. I believe they changed their company name recently to like Pelvic Guru or something. But O Nut are these silicone , circles that can stack on top of each other and they go on top of the shaft of the penis.

[00:33:20] And what they do is they allow for the penetration not to go so deep inside of you. So it's like a cushion or like a spring between the penis and the vagina. So it still feels good. You get some penetration, but it doesn't go as deep. And it creates a barrier that can help Reduce or prevent that pelvic pain.

[00:33:47] They also just created something from the same company called the Kiwi That's supposed to help with pelvic pain. I don't know too much about it I haven't researched it too much, but [00:34:00] please go check it out I will link it in the show notes.

[00:34:05] And the last concern is body dysphoria again What we're seeing is a lot of sexual concerns stem from childhood stories and narratives. That sit and stay in her bodies, which is why I'm a huge advocate for people talking about sex. Even if you want to teach your congregation or your children or whatever that abstinence is the way to go.

[00:34:34] Great, teach them that abstinence is the way to go. But also, frame sex in a healthy way, in a positive light. Because, would we frame it as bad? When we frame it as, if you have sex, all these things are going to go horribly wrong, it stays in our bodies, especially if it's hounded into our heads 24 7 for 18 plus years. And [00:35:00] then all of a sudden we're supposed to magically feel good and feel comfortable in our bodies and with a person, enough to let everything go and just experience pleasure. It doesn't happen like that. Very rarely. Is sex great the first time around if you've had a conservative upbringing? It's tough.

[00:35:20] It's tough to unravel all of those stories. So body dysphoria tends to be the greatest block to sexual fulfillment and self acceptance for women. You may have had a childhood filled with shame, guilt, or fear related to your sexuality. Or, Also mentioned before, society has given us a misguided, idealized image of the female body. So it's no wonder that as women, we have it harder to have sex. Not saying men don't have a hard time having sex, but as women, we're taught [00:36:00] that we're supposed to be the object of desire for men. But in order to be that object of desire, we're supposed to look a certain way, act a certain way, walk a certain way, be a certain way.

[00:36:12] And especially if you grew up in religious households or religious communities, you've probably been taught that you are supposed to submit and do what the husband says. So your job, quote unquote, as a married woman is to give your husband pleasure. Give him his blowjobs, have sex with him, create children for him.

[00:36:36] But nothing is taught about what do you like? What does your body feel like? Do you enjoy being aroused? Do you want to have an orgasm? Do you actually enjoy sex? None of that is taught. And so our bodies are innately beat into submission of you are there to just [00:37:00] present to the male population and be a hole for him to stick himself inside. Who cares about what you want? Man just needs to cum, and then a child is made. That's not entirely true. But, that's the narrative we've been taught over and over again. And so then when somebody comes into our life who is like, Hey, let me eat you out. Let me finger you. What do you like? What brings you to orgasm?

[00:37:28] Let me make you orgasm 5, 10, 15 times. You're like, whoa, dude. Whoa, person! Who are you? And what is that? What is an orgasm? Because maybe you don't know. Maybe you've never had one before. And it's this wild, crazy idea that you're like, it's probably a unicorn that doesn't actually exist. My body can't do that.

[00:37:52] Reality check is, your body can do it. Your entitled to orgasm. [00:38:00] You're entitled to pleasure. You are worthy of having a body that has sex. You are worthy of having a body that has enjoyable sex. You are worthy of a body that gets to be present and devoted over when it comes to having sex. You are an object of desire for simply existing, not for your husband's pleasure. Not for the gaze of all men, but you get to be desired, you get to be wanted, you get to be pleasured and adored just for existing because you are beautifully and wonderfully made.

[00:38:49] I know that's a very Christian statement, but you are. Your body gets to enjoy pleasure, period. The other weekend I was with my partner, [00:39:00] we went on a little mini staycation. And he was watching a TV show, or a movie, and I was reading a book and I was like, want an orgasm. So I asked him to pause this movie, and I said, Hey, would you be willing, while you're watching your movie, and I'm reading my book, to just sit next to each other, and you finger me? Without any rush, any end goal, and just see where my body goes?

[00:39:28] And we did! And he did! And he fingered me to orgasm. And then the next thing I know, he throws off his VR headset and he's eating me out and bringing me to another orgasm. All because I desired that and I asked him for it. Because I am worthy of that. We didn't have sex until later that night. The focus was on me. The focus was on my pleasure. Because I know that I deserve it. And I communicated to him what I [00:40:00] wanted. The end. And he was willing to give. And if you're with a good partner, they will hands down be 100 percent into giving.

[00:40:09] So lean into that. Lean into your feelings. Lean into recognizing that the stories you've been told aren't always the case of truth. Go to therapy. Work through those feelings. Work through those blockages. Pinpoint where it's stemming from, and then tell yourself, give yourself permission to go after it, to feel good in your body, to forget what society says.

[00:40:36] You guys, I am not a 6 foot, 100 pound, blonde hair, blue eyed model. I've got belly fat, I've got thigh fat, I've got booty and boobs, I've got curves, I'm 5 feet, 5'1 on a good day. I've got acne. You know, like am not what society deems as the most desirable woman, [00:41:00] but my body in its current state is still desirable.

[00:41:05] It is still lovable. My partner tells me I have the best tasting and best smelling pussy he's ever had because I am desirable and I am worthy and I have taken the time to accept myself and to deem myself worthy of that pleasure. It's not going to come easy, but work through those blockages. I've had them. I've shared them on this podcast. I've been working through some of the last year.

[00:41:34] This isn't a wake up one day and everything's fixed. It's a continuous cycle. You're going to get through some, and then something else is going to come up that you have to work through, but work through it and empower yourself and accept yourself and find techniques that help you show up and be present. Put on a mask. a perfume that you love, wear lingerie or a pair of underwear that makes you feel [00:42:00] sexy, stand naked in front of a mirror and stare at yourself and tell different parts of your body how beautiful you are, smile, look at your eyes, touch your hair, touch your vulva, smell yourself, taste yourself, do all these things to accept yourself because you deserve it.

[00:42:21] So those are common concerns for women. There are more, but those are the most common. If any of these resonated with you, and you want to talk through some of them please reach out to me. Let's set up a call, let's work through things. . this brought up emotions for you that you realize you still have to go through, please seek a therapist. I want you to have the best sex of your life. So let's get out there and work towards it. Again, it's not going to happen overnight, but let's work towards it. Let's take baby steps. Let's bring people in to help us get there because you are worth it. All right. I love you all. Have a great rest of your [00:43:00] day