EPISODE 29: Understanding Financial Struggles for Men

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THE LOWDOWN

In this episode, I discuss the unique financial challenges that men face today, rooted in societal expectations and traditional roles. I share personal anecdotes about sleep issues due to noisy neighbors and the stress of early morning routines.

I emphasize the historical and ongoing pressures on men to be providers, the societal trends reinforcing these expectations, and how these pressures impact men's mental health.

I argue for a balanced partnership where both parties contribute equally and challenge the notion that a man's value is solely based on his financial success. I also suggest ways to have constructive conversations about finances with partners to mitigate these stresses.

MENTIONED IN SHOW:

Website: www.lovealwaysjess.com/getstarted

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/love.always.jess

SHOW NOTES:

Episode begins at [00:00:54]

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Hey, I hope your week is off to a great start. I [00:01:00] am actually feeling well rested this week, which I'm thankful for. I don't know if I've shared on past episodes, but I've been having issues with my upstairs neighbors. They have a child who does not sleep, literally, and runs around all night, screams, blasts the TV, etc.

And for somebody who wakes up at 4am It is no bueno that I don't get sleep. Also, fun fact about me as a baby, as a newborn, I slept 14 hours straight. Sleep has always been something important to me. And I become a raging bitch if I don't get sleep. My eight hours of sleep a night. So let's just say it has not been pretty.

Um, with that being said though, this week has been good. They've been quieter. I do know that attorneys have been involved and I'm hoping [00:02:00] that the past six months of no sleep is finally coming to an end and I get to continue restful nights with that being said. I hope that you guys are sleeping fine, surviving these heat waves that we're having, staying cool, and if you're without power, I'm so sorry.

I know that's gotta really suck. I know California has been talking about doing rolling blackouts sometime soon. So, stay safe out there, stay cool, and yeah, I hope that, in general, life is just treating you well.

Also, not sure if you can hear the child, but they are making noise right now, so, if you can hear them, I'm sorry. With that being said, Today we are going to talk about financial struggles for men or the concerns for men. You might be asking yourself, Jessica, why are we only focused on men today? [00:03:00] Everybody has financial struggles.

We're kind of in an economy right now of everybody's struggling. We're clearly seeing it in gas prices, food prices, housing prices, all of the prices, it's kind of shitty right now. So why are we only focusing on men? And I want to dedicate episodes to the concerns and struggles for men, and the concerns and struggles for women, because I think it is advantageous to all of us to see things from a different perspective, to see things from the other side.

I think we oftentimes get like stuck in this

politically correct culture of It's a struggle for everybody. It's not all men. It's not all women. We're all in this together. Everybody faces struggles. Nobody is [00:04:00] worse off than the other. And while that may be true, there are differences when it does come to the financial struggles. There are differences in a lot of different areas, but I will say that there are financial different or differences in struggles when it comes to finances for men and women.

But I'm also going to add the caveat that it doesn't necessarily mean that only men feel these struggles and only women feel the struggles that we're going to talk about next week. From a heterosexual perspective, yes, we can divide it between men and women, but you might be in a same sex relationship and you might see the struggles that affect men in your partner, but they may not be a man, or vice versa.

And that's totally okay, and that's totally normal. But when we look at the general population, we can see that there [00:05:00] are different pressures put on men than there are on women, which is why I think it's important that we talk about it.

When we look at financial struggles for men, One of the biggest things often talked about is the pressure to provide. Now you might be saying to yourself, I don't provide that. I don't put that pressure on my partner. I think it's ridiculous that the man has to provide. I think it's totally okay that women have jobs and are in the workforce.

And while I don't disagree with you, traditionally speaking, there is this pressure for men to provide. It has been there for Many, many, many decades. Back in the early 1900s, men were basically the only ones in the workforce. They Went to work and then came home. They were able to, at that [00:06:00] time, provide for a house, put food on the table and pay for education and family vacations for all of their children.

And things are completely different now. There might be some families who are able to maintain that traditional structure. But over time we have seen the society change to where women are entering the workforce, which is a great thing, don't get me wrong, but

that necessity has come from the increases of consumer goods, the increases of cost of living. And the increases in cost of living, not matching the increases in salaries. Costs of living has skyrocketed a lot. We're feeling the pressures now, but the living wages have not increased as much. And so men aren't able to keep a [00:07:00] job that allows them to pay for a roof over their family's head, put food on the table and pay for all of the other fun excursions that they do.

And that. is stressful. Whether or not we say it should be, we as a society have come a long way in the past 100 or so years. However, just because some people have changed their thoughts and their ways doesn't mean that the societal pressure to be able to afford and pay for everything for their family Doesn't still exist for men.

I mean, we see it. We see the trends on TikTok and we see the trends on Instagram and social media as a whole where Women are saying they want to find a man who's going to provide

They want to find somebody who can pay for everything so they can stay at home, [00:08:00] maybe raise children, or clean the house, cook the food, take care of the home, or both. So in some aspects, there is still that sought after traditional household. Now I know there are some different dynamics where we do have stay at home dads, the partner who, is the breadwinner is the wife.

We do have households who follow that, but more often than not we see that men do make more money and that they do often tend to be the breadwinners. But that doesn't mean that that is easy. We have, like I said, a high cost of living and livable wages and not being. matching that high cost of living. So men will feel pressure to be able to provide because that is still a thing.

We can say it's not, but it is. I don't know if you guys remember from [00:09:00] 2023, I'm pretty sure it was 2023, there was the TikTok that went around where the woman said that her date took her to Cheesecake Factory and she was pissed and refused to get out of the car and made him take her home. And it is exactly that, that I'm kind of referring to where the mindset is still there that the man has to be the breadwinner.

The man has to be able to afford a certain lifestyle to provide for the woman. This person wanted to go on a date with a great guy. And by all means, he seemed like a great guy. From seeing that TikTok, yeah, he seemed like a winner. He seemed like a decent person. But financially, I don't know if he could afford anything more expensive than Cheesecake Factory, but he wasn't [00:10:00] willing to pay more than Cheesecake Factory.

Which I think is acceptable for a first date, from my perspective. But, from that woman's perspective, it was not acceptable at all. She wanted to be wined and dined at a five star restaurant that was probably expensive. And she turned her nose up to Cheesecake Factory. And that's not just one person. When it comes to the dating world, there are a lot of financial expectations from a man.

Women are expecting men to shell out a lot of money. To be able to pay for things. They expect him to pay for the first date. They expect him to pay for everything. They expect him to choose like a fine dining restaurant. And to woo her. And in all honesty, that creates a lot of pressure for a man.

Especially if he's doing [00:11:00] this for her. multiple times trying to find the right partner. The expectation of men to just fork over a lot of money to impress you creates a lot of stress. I can't tell you how many men I have talked to where that expectation of spending a lot of money on somebody on first date deters them from wanting to actually date because that in a way kind of sets them up for failure in the future.

Because imagine this. Imagine you're a dude, and you're preparing for a first date, and you're like, Hey, I'm going to take them to a fine dining restaurant. We're going to get dressed up, we're going to look cute, we're going to enjoy our dinner, it's going to be an excellent dinner, we're going to have a great time.

Well, the woman then has it in her head, this is what dates are supposed to be like all the time going forward. And then, they, get into like a long term relationship, they get [00:12:00] engaged, they get married, and the expectation is there that the man can just afford this lavish lifestyle. Now again, I'm not saying this is for everybody, and this isn't the mindset of everybody, but it does exist.

So when men are running into these women who have these high expectations of the provider that they want from men, It creates stress from it,

and then anybody who doesn't meet that financial expectation is just deemed unworthy, and they could have so many other great qualities. They could be the most devoted partner. They could be the kindest husband and father to your future children. They could be a hard worker, but because they aren't fiscally rich, you don't consider them.

You think money equates success. when there are so many other qualities that could mean success.

And so men feel this pressure and this [00:13:00] burden that they have to be able to provide, that they have to be able to provide financially, and that all of their other qualities don't matter. And it's hard, and it's stressful, because they find worth. within their financial success. And then when that financial success isn't enough, they feel like they lack value.

Now, another financial concern for men is related, but it's what happens if they lose their job. We often, we see it portrayed in movies, we see it portrayed in TV shows. When a man loses his job, He probably, more than likely, doesn't tell his partner. He gets stressed up as if he's going to work. He goes out and he does interviews or does Uber or Lyft, but doesn't tell his partner because he feels like he is unworthy of love and unworthy of [00:14:00] partnership.

if he's not able to put food on the table or pay for the house over their head.

And then we see the mental health decline of men because they don't have a safe space to share their stresses. They don't have a safe space to say, to share their burden with their partner.

They're the ones who are supposed to figure it out. They're the ones who are supposed to know what to do.

And when they're not figuring it out, intentionally or unintentionally, and when they're not able to say, this is what we're going to do, I've got us. I can take care of us.

It makes them feel unloved and unworthy, and it causes them to close off. And then we see people committing suicide over losing their jobs, or we have seen other acts of violence where they kill their whole family in a murder suicide, or they run away and just disappear. Because they don't know how [00:15:00] to talk about not being financially responsible or not being able to financially provide for their family.

It sucks when you lose your job and nobody should have to. Sit here and think that they can't go home to their family and say, I'm sorry, I lost my job because more than likely it was out of their control. And if they feel like they can't confide in their partner about that, about their financial struggles, it makes it even worse.

It makes that pain from losing their job. Even harder to bear, because they have to bear it alone, and then they have to figure it out. And then if they can't find a job right away, how are they supposed to pay for things? They can't tell their partner. They can't tell their wife and their children that they have to cut back on their living expenses.

They can't tell their wife or children that we can't [00:16:00] eat out as much, we have to cook at home. We might have to downsize, we might lose the house and then they close off even more and they become more and more restrictive and their wife is trying to figure out what's going on with them and they're not communicating and then it creates fights

and then it could lead to divorce

because there's a lack of trust and now I'm not just sitting here and putting the blame on women because the part of the issue too is that we have not as a society been taught how to communicate about money. We've been taught men make more money, which is true, but that's changing, but we've been taught that men make more money.

We've been taught that men just know what to do with money. We've been taught that men are able to always figure it out and that they're never going to be without from a financial perspective and that women [00:17:00] have to or should or can rely on men.

And it's

mind boggling, and it's mind boggling when I say that because

if we're always taught we have to rely on men or we can rely on men, who are the men able to rely on? What if they don't know what they're doing? What if they're coming into a great paycheck that they've never made that kind of money before and they're like, okay, I'm going to lavish lavishly spend this on a car or a new house instead of actually Having a conversation with a professional and saying, what would be the smart thing to do?

Or maybe their spouse actually knows what to do with the money, but they've always been taught the man is the right person to speak to. The man is always going to be the one who knows what to do. And so they don't lean on their spouse and then they blow their money

because we've been taught as a [00:18:00] society, not to talk about this.

We've also been taught as a society. That men just know what to do

and I could think that could be further from the truth Because men are not just born with this innate Like understanding a finance a finance They're not born knowing how to invest or knowing how to buy a house and pay a mortgage And get a good job. They go through the same education but the burden and the pressure

Sits on top of men's shoulders to just not To just figure it out, and it's hard. We see that it affects men's mental health more often than women's. We see from a dating perspective that there are these expectations that men just pay for it. I remember hearing one time that men should pay for the first date because women prior to the date [00:19:00] spend a lot more money getting ready.

We get our waxes, we, Buy makeup, buy a new dress, buy new shoes, et cetera. So by the time we get to the first date, we've invested more money into the date than the man has. And so he should pay for the first date. And there may be some truth to that, but That doesn't mean that your first date needs to be a Michelin star restaurant that costs 200 bucks a plate.

It doesn't mean that the man needs to show up every single date with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a diamond necklace in the other.

Now if your man can afford that, cool, I'm happy for you. But that doesn't mean that every single man needs to afford that. It doesn't mean that he needs to be driving a Corvette or Lamborghini or Maserati to be able to show off and show how flashy [00:20:00] he is.

What it means is that Is that a man should be able to show up to a date, and even if the first date is you order pizza and go to a park and play basketball, cool. It doesn't need to be flashy and it doesn't need to be expensive, but there's expectations that are being placed on men to be able to pay for these things or to be able to afford these things isn't healthy.

Especially when they're having to do it all the time. I remember talking to a coworker and he shared with us that his brother was dating this person who they weren't exclusive. So she was dating other people. And her expectation on his brother was that they went to a fine dining restaurant every single date.

And they were going out, I think, twice a week. And then she was going out with this other dude two or three times a week as well. And so she was getting these fancy [00:21:00] dinners. multiple nights a week for men and the men were paying for it. And my question to that was, can they afford it? Because in today's economy, unless you're making a really decent income, being able to afford going out to fine dining multiple nights a week is very difficult.

And then, as I mentioned, it turns into the expectation of,

okay, you can pay for fine dining. Cool. So now I want you to pay for fine dining. and a house for us to live in. Or I want you to pay for fine dining and a new car for me. Or a nice engagement ring. And again, I'm not placing the blame on women for this. I'm placing the blame on society, because the cost of living has increased substantially.

But we still have this mindset of traditional roles in a relationship. And I do think there is a time and a place for traditional roles, depending upon how your relationship is built. [00:22:00] But the expectation that The man just needs to figure it out. And the man just needs to make it happen. While the woman doesn't I think is wrong

because how would you feel if Everyone just thought you could just do it afford it. I've been in that situation. I I mean, I still am kind of I have friends and family who are always just saying well Jessica can afford it She's got the money. She's got the income she can do it. She can pay for it She'll figure it out.

And while the answer is always, yeah, of course, I'll figure it out, and yeah, I can do it.

It doesn't mean that I always want to, and it doesn't mean that it sucks having the mindset that I need to figure it out, that I can do it.

I have in majority of my relationships been the person who makes more money.

And I've never [00:23:00] shied away from hiding my income or hiding what I'm able to spend my money on.

But it hasn't always felt good that I'm the only one who could pay for things.

It is nice when somebody else participates. It is nice when I'm not the only one who has to figure it out. And I recognize 100 percent that I'm not a man. But as I said in the beginning, there are some people who take on the roles and the stresses. You know, I've been the family member in my family who has gone the traditional route.

I went to college, got my degree, got a job, and I have a decent living.

And my family looks at that as, She's just always going to figure it out. She's going to get it done. She has the money. She can afford it. My partners have looked at it like that.

My friends have looked at it like that sometimes, and it's hard, but I also don't have the [00:24:00] societal pressure. That is placed there as well that most men feel.

I'm willing to bet that a lot of people want to have that partnership where both people are contributing equally. And I don't just mean equally financially, I mean equally overall. So maybe The man can come home and pay for things and put the food on the table and pay for the roof over the head, but the woman in the partnership is taking care of the children, is cooking the meals, is cleaning the house,

but they're both And equally participating in the partnership. But there are some partnerships that men are in where it doesn't feel equal, where they feel like they have to pay for everything and they don't get anything in return from their partner. And that's where men struggle because the expectations from their partners really do affect [00:25:00] them.

I think we often, in today's day and age, say, well, men are placing those expectations on themselves. And while that might be true to some extent,

We have built a society that is very capitalistic,

and it is forcing family, household, to have both parents working. And then we see the cost of childcare is astronomical. And so, if the man is the breadwinner, or the man makes more money, he has to figure out how to make that work.

Do you have your wife quit and take, take care of the children?

Or do you get another job to be able to pay for child care? There are so many different nuances and lifestyles that can create stresses. But what it comes down to at the end of the day is a traditional family setup may be nice, but we're not going to be anywhere near that anytime [00:26:00] soon with the way our economy is built.

So we have to stop putting these expectations on men that they must be the sole providers, that they must provide lavish lifestyles, that they must be able to afford restaurants more expensive than cheesecake, which is Funny to me because I think Cheesecake Factory is a pretty decent date spot. But then again, I'm also happy with Ordering pizza and playing basketball.

Um,

choosing to take the pressure off of men to pay for and provide for everything needs to be normalized.

And also the pressure of knowing how to figure it out, because if a man has not been educated on finances, he's not going to know what to do. I mean, everything takes practice, everything takes learning. He might be able to pick up on it fast, but it doesn't mean that he's going to know [00:27:00] innately what to do.

So having that expectation there of, you know what to do with our money, you know what to invest it in, you know what to do if you lose your job, you know how to financially take care of the family. Having those expectations. needs to be taken away because a partnership requires both parties sitting down at the table and talking and figuring things out.

So those are some concerns that men go through. They definitely feel it more so from the societal pressures of you must be the ultimate caregiver and breadwinner and outliers. Transcribed by https:

otter. ai

But to go into a relationship with a partner who is a male, assuming that he needs to make all the money and make things work, and you don't have to do anything.

It's dumb if you ask [00:28:00] me.

Give,

have patience with your male partners. Have a deeper understanding of going on dates with men and having these expectations of everything. Being rich and pricey and paid for if a man wants to pay that a man pay if a man can't afford something Fancy, but you still want him to pay then choose a lower cost of food restaurant That was very badly worded But choose a restaurant that is cheaper if you still want him to pay

and be okay with that

because a quality man doesn't mean that he has a lot of money, a quality man is so much more than his finances, and you're not going to find that quality man. If you're solely focused on their finances and men, you're not going to find quality [00:29:00] partners. If you make it all about your finances, if you're flashing the watch that you bought, that was a few hundred dollars or a few thousand dollars, whatever, or you're bragging about.

Having a brand new Maserati or BMW or whatever the fancy car is. You're not going to attract the women that you want to attract. You're not going to attract the partners that last long term, unless that is somebody that you want, you know, somebody who only cares about money, but then you're going to run into the issues of what happens when I'm not making that money, take the pressure off of yourself.

Because what you're making today isn't guaranteed for the rest of your life. We all go through ebbs and flows. At some point, we're going to retire. At some point, we're going to get sick. At some point, something's going to happen. We're going to get laid off from a job. And having the expectations on yourself that you're always going to make X amount of dollars isn't healthy

because things [00:30:00] change and you have to be able to roll with the punches. And if you place your value on yourself as only based on how much you financially make, then you're only going to hurt yourself. You are so much more than the money that you're making.

And if you are in a partnership that does have those traditional roles, I would suggest now starting the conversations with your partner of, what would happen if I lost my job? What would happen if you became the person who made more money? What would happen if you stopped staying at home with the kids and you went out in the workforce?

Just start having the conversations because then at least you can get prepared if that were to ever happen. Because the last thing you want to do is lose your job or lose your income or lose your ability to work and be the breadwinner and then not know what to do and then find that your mental health is struggling.

Begin the work [00:31:00] now to find value in yourself outside of your money and begin the work now to work with your partner to figure out the what ifs. It's always better to prepare for a rainy day than to get the rainy day and not know what to do.

So I highly suggest that you and your partner sit down and start to have these conversations.

And start asking yourself too, what are you worth outside of your money? What are you worth outside of being the head of household who can pay for the house and the food on the table and the family vacation. Is there more to you than that? I hope you say yes, but if you don't know, start to find that, because you are worth more than your money.

As I said, I've been the person who makes more than my partners in the past, and some partners have tried to break up with me because of their finances.

And sometimes I let them go and other times I've told them, we're going to figure this out because you mean more to me than the finances. [00:32:00] I don't care about the money. I care about money, but I don't care about you being the head of household and you being the breadwinner. We can figure it out. We figure it out together.

And I know that's hurt me sometimes in the past, but we're not focused on that right now. So then my message to you is find. Where your worth comes from outside your finances because it's there and you are worth more than your money. And my comment to women is don't lower your expectations as to a quality man, but lower your expectations or change your expectations is probably the better way to say it.

Change your expectations that a quality man is only solely based on his finances

because there is more to life. Then, whether or not you eat at a restaurant that's fancier than a cheesecake, or that you get to stay home and clean the house. I guarantee you there are 20 million days in a year that [00:33:00] I'm like, fuck, I'm done working and I just want a partner to take care of me. But I also know that that's not always realistic.

It could happen and I'm going to work my ass off alongside my partner to make that happen so we both get to relax, but I do not hold that expectation that my partner needs to take care of everything because I see my partner for more than just his money. So

the financial struggles for men often center around head of household, breadwinner, and being able to afford and pay for a lavish lifestyle for their partners. There are more, but at the end of the day, right now, we are seeing that that expectation of traditional household and showing women that they are worth it via their money is what is causing stress.

It's causing men not to want to date. It's causing men who lose their [00:34:00] job, not to be able to go home and face their families and face their partners. So let's find our worth in other things outside of our finances. We are more than our money. Money is just the way that we exchange goods these days.

But that doesn't mean that that is who you are.

I hope that you know that you are loved exactly for who you are. And I hope that if you are facing the stress of financial struggles, that you can find somebody to lean into and talk to about it and find a way out of that stress and find a way to cope with that stress. Enjoy the rest of your day. Enjoy the rest of your week.

And we will talk next week about the financial struggles for women. Have a good day. [00:35:00]